A
male
age
41-50,
*SMC0025
writes:I have been dating this girl for about two and a half years now. It has been a great relationship for the most part. We have helped each other through hard times in both our lives. However, there is five and a half year age difference between us. When I first started dating her, I didn't even figure in the problems that may arise from this situation because we got along so well. As I stated before, it still isn't a problem in that manner. However, I recently graduated from college and on my way to establishing a career for myself. She transferred schools when I graduated so that we could be closer together. It is still a long distance relationship. She recently decided that she wanted to move to a place that would be closer to her campus due to transportation issues. This is completely understandable and logical. Here is where I may have made my mistake; I had asked her if she could get a house with female roommates to ease my mind a little. I know where your mind be going with this. I do trust her for the most part; however, I also understand how the college (party) environment works sometimes. Nobody is perfect and I know certain situations could potentially arise. I've been in that environment and am sick of the whole scene. Anyway, back to point, I asked her not to pick any places where there would be males living there. She agreed. I just talked to her and the first place she wants to live and is stuck on is a house that resides nine males. Naturally, I didn't like it and I fought it. Now I am second guessing myself into whether I should just support it because it is what she wants. If I do that, I will be sacrificing my personal wishes because a boyfriend should be supportive, but on the other hand, I am having doubts about supporting it because I would be going against my will and becoming spineless. These are my questions,Am I being ridiculous and insecure in the first place to even ask her to have female roommates? What would you think about your significant other moving in with nine members of the opposite sex? And if I do support this, what would be the best way I should do this? Like I said I am older and don't want to be involved in the whole college scene again, but on the other hand, she is not a girl that I can easily discard because a situation gets tough.Your input will be greatly appreciated.
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insecure, long distance, roommate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (4 January 2008):
Man i suggest you help her find another place because it seems you'll never be comfortable with just like i wouldn't.I trusted my girl 100% until i found out she had cheated on me.Don't wit for disaster to open your eyes.We are all human as you've noted and you just never know when your girlfriend's flesh gives in.I strongly suggest you ask her to move out.Trust alone isn't enough,as i've learnt from experience.The earlier you act,the better.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (4 January 2008):
 Personally I would feel very uncomfortable in that situation. I think your request is reasonable. While perhaps a mixed accommodation might be ok given certain living arrangements (and ratio of girls to boys), 9 of them is reasonable for you to take issue with.
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A
male
reader, USMC0025 +, writes (4 January 2008):
USMC0025 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your prompt response. The replies were extremely useful and put things into perpective. Given your advice, I feel I can handle the situation more intelligently and stand by my word. Basically, your responses made me stronger and I appreciate that.
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A
male
reader, Uraz  +, writes (3 January 2008):
 Why does she want to stay at a house where 9 males live? It is absurd. I have heard no country, no society in modern world where females share rooms together and it is considered ok. I assume she shares rooms with 1 or two males right? If it is not a mansion.
You made your point, you asked her, as a normal boyfriend, to go live in a place where females live. It is absolutely normal..What, would you tell her to live wherever she wants to? Would it be ok for her to hear that, would it be ok to for any girl to hear from such boyfriends uninterested words like that. I guess not.
I am not going to repeat the obvies reasons, inconveniencies, let alone incidences, that is occuring in a room or flat where your girl shares daily.
So your request, your expectation is fully justified and dignified.It has nothing to do with being supportive. this situation goes straight to the heart of being a real boyfriend, it is also aboout your self-respect. Simply, if you dont care about her staying with nine other boys/guys, you are not being a real boyfriend. Thats it.
What I would question would be, why on earth she dares, she likes, she has to stay with nine males. Why?
Do you have any ideas?
PS: Your age difference is not a problem at all. The only issue in this respect is your statuses. She is a student, you are professional,working man.
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A
female
reader, MeowMix86 +, writes (3 January 2008):
 To answer your questions:
No you are not being insecure in the first place for asking
her to have female roommates. You are asking for respect, for you as her boyfriend and for your relationship. You are right, although you have trust and love, situations can and will always arise. You are only looking out for yourself and your emotions because no one will consider your own emotions like you will.
I would not like it at all if my boyfriend moved in with nine members of the opposite sex! WHO WOULD? It's human nature to be somewhat possessive (and protective) of our partner's so don't feel bad about that...Anyone who has ever experienced that kind of love and closeness would understand completely.
How to support her? Well, you did your best. She knows how you feel about it, now its her choice. You can support her, but that doesn't mean you have to like it. Supporting means respecting her decision as just that, her independent, decision.
My advice? Try to reach a compromise. Meet her halfway, such as visiting her regularly or hanging out with her and the guys, meeting all of them and becoming friends or even a minimum of 14 pictures of you and her in her room or something to that effect...(I mostly kidding about the last one but whatever floats your boat, so to speak)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): The main question is, do you really trust her? And also how would it be if the situation were reversed and you were sharing with nine females? How practical is it for her to find a conveniently located place with only females? In my experience, if someone is going to be unfaithful they will do it whatever the situation. Just trust your girlfriend and be supportive; she probably has enough hassles with college work! x
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