A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend about 5 years, and we're considering marriage. When we first started going out it was obvious to me that she still had feelings for her prior boyfriend, but she told me the relationship was done. The topic didn't come up often, but she always maintained that she had broken up with him prior to seeing me. I recently discovered she had continued to see her prior boyfriend for some time after we started seeing each other. We had not agreed to an exclusive relationship at first, so this wasn't cheating on her part but it was inconsistent with what she had always told me about the situation.After I discovered this, I asked her when the last time she'd seen her ex before we started seeing each other. She thought about it, and said the last time she'd seen him was about 4 months before we started seeing each other. I then told her I knew she'd continued to see him after we started seeing each other. She didn't say much at first, but when I pressed her on it she admitted she had continued to see him, and said we had not comitted to an exclusive relationship at first. She also said she had indeed broken up with him before we started seeing each other, but it was an on and off relationship, and they had continued to do things together as "friends" after she started seeing me. While it's true we had not committed to an exclusive relationship, it bothers me that she lied to me about continuing to see her ex. She had been crazy about her ex, and I don't think it's possible that she could have forgotten that she'd continued to see him. I don't know for sure, but I think her ex eventually broke it off with her for another woman. He's long gone now (out of state, married), and there's absolutely no chance he'd be back in the picture. But, it still bothers me that she lied to me so consistently about the situation with him over the years. It's also somewhat tarnished my view of our early time together to know she'd been seeing him at the same time.Am I making too much of this? Should I just forget about it and figure it happened a long time ago, etc. and it doesn't matter? (even though she lied about it recently)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): you are absolutely valid in being upset about this and the fact that this is a big deal to you is a red flag. do not undermine and question the legitimacy of your feelings.
I am sorry, but the only reason a person should lie to protect your feelings is as a social courtesy. you bought her an ugly present, and she is really appreciative. The dinner your mom cooked was the best ever!
When a person lies when they dont need to, they are being selfish, and they are insecure. she was afraid that you wouldnt want to be with her?! were you the back up boyfriend so the blow wouldnt be so hard when her old boyfriend left her?
It was not one time. And she continued to go on and on for months letting you think differently.
you just happen to know this lie, but what else is there?
what has she done differently to change her ways? is she all of a sudden a new person? when you confronted her, she still lied. she only told the truth b/c she was caught.
B/c you love her and dont want your own feelings to be hurt, you may forgive her or minimize this.
but seriously if you are thinking about marrying her, I suggest you slow down and make sure you are seeing her with no blinders on.
I would hate to see that you get hurt for being the nice guy who gets taken advantage of for having ethics and morals.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (11 March 2011):
 I think she lied to protect you and the way she was feeling about her ex at the time. No one likes to admit unrequited love and in her position, I don't blame her too much.
Was it dishonest? Yes. Does it ultimately change where you guys are at, 5 years later? Probably not.
Where you should be concerned now is whether or not she has continued to have contact with him or whether she has strong feelings for him (that if somehow he re-entered her life, would she flee you for him). If not, let it lie, otherwise, I'd have serious second thoughts about this woman.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (11 March 2011):
No, you are not making too much about this. I can tell you I would be pissed of in your place. If you were not exclusive why she lied all this time? Specially if they were seeing to hang up as friends.
I'm sorry but I will tell you what I think really. It can be a little hard. But she didn't hang up with him like friends. She started dating you while having a relationship with him. No matter if it was on-off-relationship.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (11 March 2011):
 No, I don't think you are making too much of this. Your girlfriend was not honest with you. Now you are questioning other aspects of your relationship. You wonder if she sincerely loves you. You wonder if she ever got over her ex.
I think it is normal to have these thoughts. It must hurt to think that she was carrying a torch for someone else when she appeared to be falling in love with you. You wonder if you are a rebound guy, because her ex broke it off with her.
While these are all legitimate concerns, I really feel you have time on your side. Had you learned of this in the first year of your relationship, it would have been extremely difficult, and perhaps led to a breakup.
However, you have been with her for five years. She has had plenty of time to get over this guy. You must feel confident in the knowledge that she loves you by now. This is an issue though, and I feel that you need to work it completely out before considering marriage.
If you are getting married in an organized religion, you may be able to attend marriage preparation classes. Private classes of this nature address issues such as this and increase the odds that the marriage will be successful. You might also be able to take couples counseling sessions if the former is not an option.
Best of luck,
TEM
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (11 March 2011):
 Our lives are filled with little lies. Some white, some black. And just because I might think something is a little white lie doesn't mean you have to think the same.
Why did she lie? Well, she probably WAS trying you both out. Most people are. That is what dating is about. You after all agreed on a non-exclusive relationship at the start, so you were keeping your options open as well. Just she actually had an option. Or maybe it was ending but relationships rarely end cleanly.
Are you making to much of this... What matters to you, is what matters to me. I personally can't stand animal haters. If you hunt, that is a no-no for me. So if a potential gf tells me she used to hunt rabbits, that is to much for me.
Is it to much for you? That is the question and nobody can answer that for you.
Part of you might not even be worried so much about what she told you now, but whether this is the truth. What things as friends comes to mind and has it really finished (oh like married and out of state stopped anyone).
That is the nasty bit with this, the real doubts are often those you don't even dare to think and once doubt has started...
Your life, your relationship, your choice. Would I let it go? Not relevant.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): It is understandable to be concerned that she lied about seeing him, but I guess ultimately she could see whomever she wanted to since you two were not exclusive. She probably concealed it due to your concern that she still had feelings for him and maybe she had some hope still to reconcile with him at that time. I can understand that it may have been just as friends since some people do remain friends only after a break especially if the sexual r was over for one of them.
If you knew that she had been seeing him would you have broken up with her? I would ask her why she felt the need to conceal all of this from you if you're still concerned about it. Many people do still have feelings for their x for years after the end of a relationship, maybe forever if there was a lot of good in the relationship. I think it's very common. Take care.
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