A
male
age
51-59,
*wc89
writes:I'm 40 and the girl I'm dating is 30. She's troubled by the age difference, mainly because of a mortality issue. Other than that she said I'm a great guy, etc, but wanted to break off our early relationship. I convinced her to give us another month or so to see if it can work out. Any advice on helping her break through this wall? (her own words - this age difference is like a wall to her). Reply to this Question
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female
reader, natasha_rb +, writes (2 August 2008):
I'm a 27 yr. female, and am dating a 44 year old (17 year age gap). I tend to waffle on the age gap as well, for the exact reason your girlfriend gives. I think that for me, the process of working things out in my head is lasting a while because this is a problem or issue I've never really experienced, let alone even hypothesized about having to deal with ever. I have never dated anyone more than 3 years older than me, so it is difficult b/c I have always taken for granted that I would marry someone my age or close to it. However, I REALLY like this guy, and he is good for me in a lot of ways, and we feel like we are the same age, and look like it, for that matter. Maybe for your girlfriend, it will just be a matter of weighing all the pros and cons. I know that doesn't sound very comforting or gracious, but that's just the way it goes. I personally think that as a woman, the older you get, the more likely you are to encounter this "problem"---all of my friends who are currently married managed to meet someone in their undergrad or by grad school. I joke about having "missed the boat"---so that now most guys I meet who are my age tend to already be married, and so the bulk of the guys that hit on me are older and divorced, or, my age and are single because they are players. BUT the guy I am dating has never been married, his ex cheated on him when he didn't propose fast enough, and then, like me, he's picky so he didn't find anyone he liked for a while and just started focusing on work instead. So....I'll stop talking about myself now (LOL) and be a little more explicit: just let her process through it on her own, and DO NOT try to argue in favor of your case--this will make her feel like you think she is weird or abnormal for having these thoughts: translation---the problem is totally with her---and she will resent you for it!! As others have said, make sure you look good and are in good shape--these are nonverbal ways to win her over. She's probably worried you'll lose your health earlier than her and that you'll lose your sex drive sooner. These are issues for me.
A
male
reader, ywc89 +, writes (2 August 2008):
ywc89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen the timing's right, I'll let her know about other similar relationships that have worked out and see what she thinks. Also, I already told her I've been taking better care of my health (even though I'm already in shape and good health) since shortly before we met.
It seems to me that the most important thing, as of now, may be to have her feel more comfortable and have more fun around me, all without thinking about the age difference. Like she did before knowing my age.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2008): Do you take care of yous health? I am 34 and have been seeing a man of 53 for several years. We are both athletes and have a great time together. I am not bothered by the "mortality" issue because he takes such good care of himself. If you don't,start now! That should ease some of her fears. I know people my age with terrible health issues because they don't take care of themselves. Hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): I can see why see is worried...I am 20 and seeing a guy who is 33...it makes things very awkward...nobody seems to be ok with it around us..and yet we continue to be together...the thing is if you truly and I mean truly are in love...things will just work out! There isn't really anything YOU can do or say that is gonna make her feel ok with it...shes gonna have to think about it and make up her own mind if shes ok with it...I am still in the "what should i do stage" like her and it seems nothing he says takes me out of it...but just today, reading all of these stories from other ppl are comforting to know that were not the only ones...so maybe you should show her there are other relationships just like yours ...that have worked out! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): well, i'm 35, and the guy i'm in the process of dating is only 20. neither one of us has any worries about age, and see it as just a number. a lot of times someone is insecure about age difference because of the way they were bought up, but if the chemistry is there, it's there.
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A
male
reader, ywc89 +, writes (28 July 2008):
ywc89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEach of your replies and suggestions are really what I need right now. My sincerest thanks to each of you.
Yes, she was being truthful that the age difference (a really solid wall to her) is the only thing. Before I told her my age, she was less pensive and more playful towards me and things were really working out well with us. I'm walking a fine line between showing her how much I really want this to work out, but not sounding obsessive or desperate (which I don't think I am).
At first, I'll try to get her to have more fun again and not think about it. And when she brings it up again, I'll try your suggestions.
My thanks again to each of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): Go with your plan.She may see she is making a huge mistake.
Age is nothing and shouldn't even be thought about if you
are really well together.Convince her,but don't force her.
My parents are 10 years apart and are still going strong
after 13 years of marriage.They saw age as nothing and knew they could and did start something beautiful.So just give her some time to get used to it.It may take her forever,but if you treat her like a princess and are there
for her emotionally and physically,then I'm sure the thought will slowly start to melt away.I wish you the best.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (28 July 2008):
 I just completed a full lecture on this, and turned it into a 3 CD set. In it I explain that her feelings of this mortaility issue comes directly from her emotional need of Fear Of Abandonment. In my CDs I explain a number of ways to deal with this, but I am going to give you one of my best topics of discussion. Yes it is possible you may die first, however, if someone was ill with a disease like MS that would cut their life expectancy short, should that person be forbidden to love, marry or find happiness? Of course NOT! You would want that person to find love too, just like every is entitled too. You can read more of what I talked about in my reviews about how to handle her objections, her family and friends objections, how to handle YOUR friends objections and how to address her fear of abandonment.
Here is the link where you can read the notes some of my students took: http://www.lulu.com/content/3104488
If her objection is strictly the age thing, you can overcome it by addressing her emotional needs. If it is something else like maybe she is not interested in dating you at all, then she is using the age thing as just an excuse.
-Frank B Kermit
author of Dating Younger Women: A Guide For Older Men To The EMotional Needs of Loving Younger Women
http://www.lulu.com/content/3104488
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (28 July 2008):
 Assuming you're in fairly good shape and have only minimum risk factors, your current life expectancy should be something like 85, with a 25% chance of going at least a decade longer than that. Amazing what modern medicine can do. For a more specific estimate, go to http://gosset.wharton.upenn.edu/mortality/perl/CalcForm.html and put in your own facts.
But the truth is that your girlfriend is worrying about something that is probably really far in the future. At 40, you've got a long time ahead of you.
There are no guarantees in life. When I was 27 I was engaged to a woman who was 18. The odds were that she would outlive me by many, many years. She drowned a month before we were planning to be married. Since then I've been married twice, to women both younger than me, and both of them are now dead too. You just don't know. If either of you let fear of death dictate the course of your life, you'll find yourself in a terrible box, because sooner or later everyone dies ... that's the ONLY guarantee we get.
She's 30 years old. Grab life with both hands and go for everything you can get. Don't let the specter of death come between you. Go for it. As someone who has lost three women I loved, I tell you I would do it again in a heartbeat, even knowing that it WAS going to end the way it did. The good times you have out of a close partnership are well worth the grief of bereavement. Take it from someone who's been around that barn three times already. Please tell her not to let some far off sorrow stand in the way of a long, long lifetime of happiness.
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