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male
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anonymous
writes: Girlfriend who is not sharing or being fair in our relationship.Im in a relationship with my girlfriend for 10 months now. For the last 3 months I have noticed that she is quite tight with spending money on me in our relationship. On a weekly basis I would spend money on her and im always doing things for her as she is very dependant on me, but I never see her doing the same for me once every now and then or spending a bit of money on me.If we go for lunch or dinner anytime, I always end up paying and she says: "its a mans place to pay for a woman".We are discussing moving into a new house at the end of the year and I dont know is it the right thing to do? We have agreed to split the payments of the mortgage alright.She is living about 20min drive away from me and I always go to her house but she never drives to my house and just makes up excuses from time to time like: "im really tired after a hard days work", so she just stays at home. We both have good jobs and cars. I dont know what to do and am at a loose end here with her as I love her very much, but dont want to be a fool in love here.We both love each other very much, but sometimes I ask myself does she really love me or not? She tells me that she does, but I dont see it in her actions as she doesnt show it that much.She has had a bad past with relationships and lost alot of money due to her Ex. She can be a very moody and sarcastic person and can change her mind about things without telling me and this is unpredictable. She can sometimes play it hot and then cold the next with me.My big questions are here: does it sound like this woman really loves me or not? and also is it right for a man to be paying for a woman all the time in a relationship when she has her own money with a good paying job herself? Should I discuss these things with her as I have tried and we end up arguing, or should I just end this relationship before Im broke or suffer a nervous breakdown? Want to know whats the best thing to do?Please help me, need advice?
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (5 May 2006):
 You have a delecate situation on your hands.
It is important that you resolve these issues before you move in together. Once you live together you'll be sharing costs a lot more, so this problem will likely get worse and cause more fights.
It's good that you are trying to discuss these things with her. That's very important and the right thing to do. However, the fact that these discussions are ending in arguments is not good! Do you think you know why these arguments happen? Are you managing to stay calm and not-accusatory when you talk, or are you also getting angry? If you are able to bring this up in a positive and calm way and she is getting angry anyway, then she may have some deep issues related to money, issues that you are not going to be able to solve on your own.
Her attitude that 'its a mans place to pay for a woman' is very old fashioned these days. There are very few men around who'll agree with her on that one. It may be that she really believes this (in which case you have to either accept her with that attitude, or not). But it could also be that she feels you are not contributing somewhere else in your relationship and that this is some kind of compensation. (However, from your question it sounds like you are making a good effort). Have you asked her directly if she feels like you are doing enough in the relationship? She may tell you yes and explain what, in which case you may be able to improve the situation by helping / contributing in the way she wants.
It also sounds like she could be slightly depressed, or still carrying big issues from previous relationships. It could even be that she has had problems in childhood that are causing her to behave in this way now. You should try to talk to her in a very open, caring and supportive way and ask her if she is doing ok. Just be her shoulder to cry on, don't judge or criticize and especially don't offer solutions or advice (men often make this mistake). Just listen to what she says and give her empathy and support. She might open up and tell you what is really on her mind.
If none of this works I suggest you two go to some kind of relationship councellor / therapy together. It sounds like you both like each other but are having communication and maybe trust issues. A therapist will be able to help you with this very effectively if you two go together. If you honestly think you're going to end up having a nervous breakdown over this then you should consider going sooner rather than later.
Good luck
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