A
male
age
36-40,
*creenname11
writes:I'll try to summarize the situation the best I can because it's pretty complicated but here goes.I've known my girlfriend since we were in 5th grade. We've always had a crush on each other and we finally started dating our senior year of high school. We broke up for a bit towards the end of our freshman year of college (we went to the same school) and got back together again right before our senior year. I dated a few people in between and she dated one guy who is a huge asshole. Basically, this guy would beat her every now and then and he raped her a couple times as well (according to her, but I believe her). Apparently since then she's been very depressed but I didn't know about it until the beginning of this year. The traumatization of that experience with her ex as well as finding out her father who she loves very much has been cheating on her mother for the past 13 years has put her into a major depression. Pile on top of that all the student loan debt she has, the two part time jobs she works which pay her barely enough to get by, etc. Basically she's been dealt some pretty shitty hands all within the past four years.I've done some research about depression and I know that it is a terrible mental illness, one that causes people to think very irrational thoughts and do very irrational things. And this is where the dilemma lies. Back in January I discovered some very sexual text messages between her and a guy (who's actually gay but I think he's probably bi) and it really pissed me off. This was the first time she'd ever done anything like this so eventually I forgave her. Now, just recently I discovered MORE inappropriate text messages between her and a different guy. Not as explicit as the first but they were about kissing and hanging out and stuff etc. After that I decided we should go on a break while I try to figure out what to do about all this. Why do I stick around, you ask? When I asked her why she does this texting stuff with other guys she says she feels like she's not good enough for me (which in a way makes sense because after our first breakup my family had a hard time accepting that we had got back together and she has tried very hard to fit back in, which I think she has, but I guess she still feels unworthy) ANYWAY, I don't know if that's all bullshit or if it truly is that combined with her depression that is causing her to act all distant and do what she has been doing. Yeah, that's another thing, before the beginning of this year she became extremely distant and I'm not sure, again, if that's the depression or what. We haven't had sex in almost 7 months now and it's been really tough because she expresses almost no sexual desires for me. She barely even kisses me anymore. If she does its like a very very brief kiss on the lips and thats it.A few days ago we talked about the break we are on right now and she says she feels bad because she feels like she cant be a good girlfriend to me because of her depression (she feels unworthy, wont have sex with me, etc.) As for me, I said I'm not sure what to do. I told her I would stay with her despite her depression and do whatever I could to help (which I know can't be much) but I only would stick around if I knew she would never text the other guy again....but it has happened twice so I really have no idea if she would or not.SO, the question is this: Should I leave her completely? Or should I stick around on this "break" and see if she can handle being in a relationship with me and deal with her depression at the same time? How can she prove to me she'll never text any guy like that again? Ok that's more than one question but it's really complicated.Thank you for taking the time to read. I would really appreciate whatever advice you can give me.
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female
reader, SierraLake +, writes (24 June 2012):
 I feel that she does need a lot of security now. She needs to know you will be there for her. I also think some type of counseling would help greatly. It would be like someone to talk to who only listens and tha helps a lot.As for your choice with staying with her or not, i feel like thrid chances can be given but ultimently it is your decsion and ONLY YOURS.You need to figure out if you have forgiven her fully because if you havent sticking around would probably only hurt her more. You need to decide if your going to be with her all the time comforting herr. It would be a big task to take on but if you love her enough you could do it. Doing things like bringing her flowers and chocolates to her two jobs, spending time with yyour families, and keeping her mind off of the depression. But i feel like if you stuck around and didnt help her that your relationship would get worse along with her depression. So ask yourself if your ready to take on a job this big.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012): This is going to be a long answer so please bear with me.
First of all, I'm really sorry to hear what had happened to your girlfriend. Being sexually abused is something that won't disappear from your memory easily no matter how hard you try. I know because I was once the victim. I'm very lucky that I have an understanding boyfriend now, but during the time we are together I had several mental trauma breakdowns when something triggered that horrible memory of mine, leaving me depressed for weeks. So for this issue I think you just have to let her know, assure her even more, that you will be there with her, to protect her and be there for her whenever she needs you. I guess feeling secured is we crave for.
My boyfriend's been really kind to me. When he learned about what happened to me, he stopped joking about sexually abuse when I'm around and if we're going to watch a film, he'll make sure that there's no such scene.
For texting other men sexually, I can only guess from my perspective and what happened to me - you don't have to believe all of it. A great while after that bad thing happened to me, when I started seeing men again, I started to develop the desire to dominate men in sex and relationship because I want to feel that I'm in control and that I am the one making things happen the way I want it to be. Maybe your girlfriend is experiencing this as well.
But lots of people use the word "depression" only to get away, so maybe she has lost interest in the relationship with you and just wants to leave. Maybe it's that simple. I'm just talking about possibilities here. It's probably the result of her depression from having to deal with lots of problem, but you gotta admit that some people do have that flirty trait they can't shake off even when they're in a relationship. You were very generous to forgive her like that.
I think it would help a lot if your girlfriend sees a doctor or someone who can give her advice about what she's been through. All of my best wishes are with both of you and that you can get through this.
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