A
male
age
36-40,
*nadin
writes:not sure what to do here, but my gf had found out about an abortion approx 4-5 years ago in a previous relationshipshe got upset at me because its something important i failed to tell jer, she said she wasnt checking up on me, but googled my name to send me a message on facebook....i think that is bs, i have a pretty unique name, and she has the facebook app on her phoneit was also a camera picture on her phone, it looked like another screen, but the surrounds werent in it so i cannot tell.i told her that i didnt think it was important, its a bit of my past that i didnt want being bought up cause it upsets me.im also worried shell find more and get upset, i probably have a porn account that i have fergotten about and she is dead set against other women, tolerates female frienss, but thats the best it will gethave i got anything to worry about re googling my name? and how shall i handle it if something else crops up, i live on the internet pratically and i like to think im an open book regarding myself, but i dont think its her business to go searcjhing up my past? and past relationships iv told her that i dont want to bring them up (mine or hers) because we should be concentrating on our own relationship...thanks for your thoughs guys
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 July 2012):
 The fact that you two have dated for a whole year, and NOW she's started to snoop? Makes me wonder a little.
I hope however, that the two of you had a good long conversation. And that you... in the future, pay attention to what you "put" out there.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 July 2012):
 The abortion was not important information that she "should" have known about. There are certain things it'd be nice to inform your girlfriend about, such as whether or not you have a job, or are an alcoholic, or have an STI. But this wasn't one of the things that affect her relationship with you. The only things she "should" know about are things that are directly relevant for her relationship with you. This isn't relevant for her relationship with you.
This information I think is relevant for anyone who's entering a serious relationship with your ex girlfriend. She was the one who chose to have an abortion after all, and this speaks of her moral stand-point when it comes to abortions. This is then something a partner of hers should know about, when the time is right. However, YOU weren't the one who agreed to an abortion. As the law stands, you had no say in it. Therefor, it wasn't your decision, and not something that you would have had to tell your girlfriend.
I think your girlfriend suffers from a need to control things. Control you. Not knowing EVERYTHING you ever did is what gives you an essence of freedom and privacy. She doesn't want you to have that. She wants to know it all, so she can control it all, and be on top of it all. You should try to push her back and make her respect your privacy. If you want a good relationship with her you must not be afraid to stand up to her and put her in her place.
So she cries and makes a scene. Well, you should calmly tell her that this isn't any of her business. You should tell her that you respect her and her privacy, and expect the same in return. You should tell her that the kind of relationship you want is one where each person respect each other, and each person tells the other information they feel comfortable with telling. Not a relationship where you get the third degree, or where there is snooping, speculations, accusations, and a lack of trust. Ask her to work with you on creating the relationship you want. Ask her what she wants out of a relationship. Try to compromise. But stand your ground! Don't let her walk over you! This was NOT something she "should" have known about.
As for her insecurities, again you need to stand your ground. It is not your job to make her less insecure. She's got to do it herself! If you're babying her and letting her get away with sulking and crying and complaining and setting ridiculous demands.. well, if you allow this sort of behaviour it will escalate. You might think you're helping her by not doing this, or not doing that, but you are just making her insecurities worse!
By changing YOUR behaviour to please her insecurities you are telling her that her insecurities are normal, and that your behaviour is the abnormal one. You are signaling that she has a right to demand this or that. And as such, she will demand more and more. Insecurity feeds insecurity. Giving in to her demands makes her set more demands. Not less. You want to be able to be in a relationship where the trust is so high you do not need to set any demands in each other at all. This will never happen if she can not trust you. Her accusations of keeping things hidden is a sign she does not trust you. Her accusations of you looking at other women is a sign she does not trust you. You bending over backwards will not make her trust you either. Like I said, it will just make it worse.
You got to be firm when you're dealing with an insecure person who also tries to control you. You got to be very firm, and you got to watch where the boundaries are at all times to make sure she doesn't cross the line. And when she does cross the line (like she just did in this episode) you need to put her back in place. Or else she'll push your limits further and further back and take over completely. I know, this sounds horrible. But this is what happens when a person is insecure and then controlling... they have a tendency to take over and make unreasonable demands and "rules" for the relationship that only apply to you and not to themselves.
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A
male
reader, Anadin +, writes (31 July 2012):
Anadin is verified as being by the original poster of the question hi all, OP here, thanks for the replies...the information was freely available via a forum discussion, my online username is linked to my facebook account under "aliases" which i didnt know i had done. thanks cerb (this one is different)while i dont mind telling people about different aspects of my life i do mind that she bought up the past i have let her know that i didnt think it was her business to ask aboutfor clarifacation, im just scared of her reaction, sometimes it can be over the top...ie finding out about the abortion then crying about it being important information that she should have known...i dont see how knowing it changes the dynamic of our relationship, so i felt it wasnt something to bring up i didnt become infuriated, just sat in a chilled manner, let her know that shes getting worked up over something that hasnt affected how happy we where, she asked is there anything else important like that and i said to her none that will change our relationship, then joked that an old gf dumped me by slapping me round the face with a dildo because thats all she needed (true story)..and my gf giggled at that :)also the abortion wasnt my choice...i would love to have a kid, the girl that got pregnant turned out to be manipulative, this relationship would be a year old at the end of this october.porn, well i sat down with her and deleted all my old accounts towards the start of our relationship, i havent watched porn since, but the reaction thing worries mechigirl, i have no idea what she intended to do with the information...maybe its stress at work and she needed a vent? i know she isnt terribly confident and i do all i can to make her feel happy, eg the giving up porn thing...we did have an argument a couple of months ago, a naked woman ran up to me on the beach where me and gf where walking, she got upset that "i stared too long" i told her that i cannot help what other images other people tend to throw at me, the public is not at my disposal, if she wants to get naked and run up to both of us, then i cannot help that, i look away when i can and realise what exactly is going on etc she sulked for a few days but came round eventually hope tht has clarified a few things for you guys :)
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 July 2012):
 I'm kinda on the fence about whether or not she needs to know. I dated a guy who also had had an abortion in his past. I knew this because I knew his ex. I didn't date this guy very long, but I found out that he was, shall we say, lax in his attention to birth control. I found out later that he intentionally made her pregnant by slipping his condom off without her knowledge. She let me know about this, surprisingly, as a bid to get him back. I know...shocking. I'm glad I didn't date him very long, and we didn't get to the sex stage. I was already being very cautious because of the knowledge of his ex's abortion, but I believe had I not known, I could have been put at risk. Luckily for me, I have never relied on another person for birth control, but unprotected also means disease.
On the other hand, and this is why I'm on the fence. I'm a very honest person, but I'm a very private one. I don't just meet someone and then unload every secret of my life.
I guess, without knowing what stage of the relationship the OP is in with his partner, I think there's a time when your partner should know about something like this, so as to make his or her own decision about whether or not this is a compatibility issue.
I've known people who are extreme in anti-abortion, and I know people who aren't, and those who are anti-abortion would consider the fact that their partner had one to be an automatic deal breaker, while others, like myself, didn't take such a hard line and could accept it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2012): Why is an abortion in your past relationship any of her business and how the hell did she find that out by googling your name?
OP I agree with the others, google is a life safer to men and women smart enough use it to find out shit about another person. By having all that stuff as publicly accessible information you allow people the freedom to check any of that out. If she has added you on facebook she can see everything you've ever posted and all comments you have ever put on it.
Simple solution here OP, google your own name and do some investigating. You'll see all the profiles linked to your name, you'll see what info is available on facebook about you that is public. Also google your email address and wait until you see how many different weird accounts pop up for that. OP I spend at least a day or two every 6 months googling all my usernames, my email address any search for ages discovering the links between them all and how much information is available about me online if someone were to do some digging, then I clean them all up, deactivate old accounts, change all my passwords to everything and change any privacy settings I need to change.
If the internet ids your life then surely you understand how to protect your information.
As far as the abortion thing goes stand your ground, that's none of her business, your past is your past and what matters is the now.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (30 July 2012):
Googling someone isn't snooping. It's information that is public. I've googled close to everyone I know. I have a particularly amusing time googling my father. He has a very unique name too, so all the hits are about him, and everywhere he's been mentioned. I don't call it snooping. It's no more snooping than, say, reading a newspaper.
If it's been publicly published then it's no secret of yours.
However, you have every right to not want to talk about it. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you aren't entitled to have some topics you'd rather not talk about. Your girlfriend overreacts when she gets upset because you didn't tell her. Ask her why you'd tell her. It's honestly none of her business, she's not the one who got pregnant, and it's not a concern of hers. This is something that happened in YOUR life, not hers, and you have every right to determine what you want to tell her or not.
So she found out through google (although I have no idea how that sort of information got online). The cat is out of the bag. What did she want with that information? Yell at you for not telling her? Debate where you stand on abortions? Exactly what was her case?
As for what else she might find, if you really made a porn account with your real life name, then perhaps it can be found. Just google yourself and you'll see exactly what it is she'll see. But as for women, porn, and female friends go... don't be a pushover. You have just as much of a right as her to determine what is okay and what isn't in this relationship. And if your girlfriend makes you want to hide things about yourself, and makes you scared of her... then that is a reason to question whether or not this girl is good for you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 July 2012):
I actually encourage women to do a check on their boyfriends if they feel that there's something they're hiding or if something feels "off". I don't approve of hacking email accounts or Facebook or rifling through people's privacy, but she did a smart thing by checking up on you. More women should do that in my opinion, because it would preempt a lot of scamming that's done to women.
Apparently, you're not an open book if you're worried that she'll find other things on you. My advice to you is to talk out what she found rather than become furious that she did a check on you in the first place. Your girlfriend is very intelligent, and if you can get past your defensiveness at what she found, think of what that intelligence can do for you.
You really only have three choices here. One, you can break up with her, two, you can continue to be defensive, in which case she'll most likely break up with you because in her mind, she now smells a rat, and three, (I recommend this) you can sit her down and come clean and tell her that it was a painful episode in your past, and that talking about it makes you hurt.
Also, you can tell her that in your single days, you did the things single men did. You could turn this whole thing around, and become emotionally vulnerable in talking about what she found, and the end result could bring the two of you closer to each other than you are now. But that's whether or not you care about her enough to have a relationship.
I disagree that her actions are controlling or insecure. If she was invading your privacy, reading your emails and rifling through your stuff, I'd agree. But, doing a check on you is very very smart.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 July 2012):
Obviously you are NOT an open book to her, or you wouldn't worry about "what else she might find" as you put it.
However, I don't see anything wrong in having SOME things you haven't shared with her.
I would have to say you need to sit your GF down and talk to her, her checking up on you in this way is perhaps part curiosity, but it's also part controlling and perhaps a little insecurity from her side?
Talk to her.
I agree with Janni, if you can google the information, it's public information. So as far as that goes, not much you can do about it.
How long have you and this GF been together?
And personally, I understand if the relationship is new that she might have googled you. But if you have been together for a while then it seems a little.. odd.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 July 2012):
 Anything that's on google is public information. You can't stop her from snooping. The only thing you can do is tell her you don't want to talk about the past and to take you as you are right now. If she has a problem with porn you are not going to stop it so she has to find a non porn user. I think being nosy is okay, but not being paranoid.
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