A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for somewhat more than a year now. I'm 24, she's 20, I have a college degree from a top school, and have a stable well paying job. She's in college. I'm pretty intelligent and am fit. She's in good shape too and does decently at school. Our relationship is great, she is great, we never fight, our rare arguments end in mutual compromise and tenderness, sex is frequent, fantastic, and mutually satisfying. She has great respect and admiration for me and helps me anyway she can in my endeavors. She puts great value in everything I say and works actively to make her and our relationship better and stronger. If I had to think of the set of behaviors to expect of a perfect girlfriend, she'd fit every criteria. Even her mom loves me, and my friends think she's great.Yet I find myself looking every so often for who else is out there. I justify it to myself in many ways. Sometimes I say we're both young and now's the time to look. Maybe its because I found her too easily and I might at some level think I might find someone else even better... I dont know, more prettier, more intelligent, richer, working towards a better paying career, more confident, more interesting. Maybe its because she holds me in such high regard and I feel like I dont have a challenge, or that I'm selling myself short. Maybe its the lack of depth in conversations we have and because I might think I could find someone more intelligent. Maybe its because if I dont find someone more intelligent I can find a more dashing 'trophey' girl.I dont know. I catch myself pursuing pretty girls and catch myself in time before things escalate, but this cant possibly be good. Maybe its just my hormones but this cant by typical. I can see myself happy married to her, I have even thought in depth about proposing her and really only haven't acted on it for stupid reasons like I dont need to right now or lets just wait and see. The problem is I think I might just as well be happily married with someone else, maybe a little better, maybe more, so why not keep looking.I feel guilty and abnormal, maybe too rational and not too emotive (although I am always told I'm a sensitive guy). So I'd like to know what you all think. Do you all keep looking even when you have found someone good. Is what I'm doing cruel, immoral, something people would consider wrong? How do you know you wont find someone even better if you dont keep looking? Sure after marriage I will stick with my decision and tame my wandering eye, but until then, shouldnt I be constantly looking for better and better no matter how good I already have it? Or is it just a path to losing all the goodness I already have? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): Thank you all for your answers. Even the first responder who took to shallow and blatant personal attacks, she still had some mind opening propositions. I deeply appreciate the input and it has made be me realize a couple things.
It is obvious I am taking a risk with anything I do, and unfortunately playing not only with my life and emotions, but hers as well. But I did talk to her lightly about it, and I think it is understood that we both kind of have little benchmark to compare things with, and unless we try and broaden our experiences, the nagging question will always remain in the future.
Maybe if we both take a little break and responsibly explore some, we'll experience more and come to realize we had it great after all, get back and be content and happy ever after.
Or maybe, we'll find, there really were things missing that we just didnt know about and go our merry ways all the wiser.
Maybe we'll end up bitter people, having tasted the variety, never satisfied again, stuck in a vicious cycle getting stuck ever deeper in the quagmire.
Regardless, given this time and age and the ease of forging relationships, it seems some experimentation and satisfying of curiosity is bound to happen, and if so, better now than later after committments, marriage etc.
If you guys have advisory, warning, experiences to relate, I would greatly appreciate them. It appears I have become old enough to realize that wisdom only comes with age and experience, but not old enough to actually have that wisdom yet.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): Your girlfriend sounds like a great catch. However, it is obvious that you are not in love with this girl. I would say that if you enjoy being with her right now, then just leave things the way they are and let the relationship run its course. Do not make the mistake of proposing though, as this girl will not be able to hold your attention forever. "I think I might just as well be happily married with someone else, maybe a little better, maybe more, so why not keep looking." -straight from the horse's mouth. If you are waiting for love, then wait for it; you'll know it when you find it. If you are looking for a trophy wife, go get her; they are a dime a dozen. If you want a smarty-pants, hit up the library. If I was wrong before, and you are happy with what you have, then hold on to it. A piece of advice: Don't settle. You have one life to live, make damn sure you don't have any regrets.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): the other poster is correct. You need to grow up a bit. Once you are older you will not be so shallow. We are all old ugly and mostly fat in the end. Depending on where you live if you do not have national healthcare your gov. will sell your house to pay for your nursing home stay in the end years. So forget the money. Forget the money,looks,weight etc and focus on what matters. Do you get along well and have the same values?
...............................
A
female
reader, lola29  +, writes (17 January 2010):
you're simply bored.
grow up before you hurt this girl and its totally obvious you'd regret everything.
...............................
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (17 January 2010):
It sounds like you're starting to wonder if the grass is greener on the other side. And it's true, you two are young so you have to also consider timing and if she's really the right person for you. You sound like a mature enough guy and realize that you have something good and if you were to leave what you have it may not be all that it's cracked up to be.
I don't think I'd have an answer for what you should do, ultimately it's your choice whether you think you should stay with her or not, but I can give you some perspectives that may help you make a decision.
First off, you talked about her looks quite a bit. It seems like you kind of like what's on the inside, aside from wanting deeper conversations, but you talked about wanting someone more attractive or even a trophy wife sort of girl. With anything you give up, you're going to lose some things and win some things. Sure you can find a prettier girl, but what if she treats you like crap or she's dumb as rocks? What if she is more attractive and smart but doesn't respect you or admire you? Beauty is only skin deep.
Take things like that into consideration. I also think timing is a HUGE factor in relationships. Perhaps you're not 100% sure about settling down; you really are young and so is she. You maybe need some time out to explore other options and find out if she's the right girl for you, but if you wanted to do something like that, you can't count on her to be waiting for you with open arms. During that time of trying to figure out who's right for you and you decide that it is her, she could move on during that time and find someone that she actually likes better.
You never know about these things. But if you're not 100% sure about marriage with someone, chances are that they're probably not the right person for you and it's best to not waste their time or your time. So I think it's time to weigh your options and decide if you want to meet all the other fish in the sea or stay with her. Marriage is a lifetime committment, not something temporary that you can throw away just because, oops! you made a mistake! Make sure you're with someone you want to be with forever.
...............................
|
