A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, just a question about a girlfriend on exchange.My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for 3 years, and while we've had rocky moments, we've been fairly stable all along.Recently though, she went on exchange for 6 months with a male friend of hers from college. While I do know the guy, and he is attached, she seems to be trying to make me jealous about the whole situation.They go over to each other's rooms every night, supposedly to have dinner, after which they'll leave. I ask her why they can't move to the common room or downstairs to somewhere public, but she says its inconvenient. They also go on trips to neighbouring countries together. I try to be supportive while she's going through a really fun period of her life, but she keeps telling me how much fun they have together, and recently when I went over to visit her, she keeps talking about their plans together, like them getting a pet, them planning more overseas trips at the end of the year. Even worse, she told me she sometimes prefers spending time with him than me.I have told her that I do feel uncomfortable, and that she can spend time with other friends she's made while on exchange, but she insists that this is her one friend overseas. I do trust her, and I want to make this relationship work, but she seems to be purposely making things hard for me. Am I just being oversensitive, and should I objectively let things be?
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male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (13 June 2014):
 Hi,
It's not a good situation to be in, basically reading between the lines she has told you all you needed to know.
She has moved on from your relationship, and is secretly the girlfriend of this other person. It's time to move past this relationship for you and find another.
Don't sink to any level of retaliation, because neither are worth the time and effort.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (13 June 2014):
 She's with him. You should end it. At the very least, there's an emotional affair with zero boundaries (private rooms, special trips, co-owned pets), but the hammer that drives home is that she outright said she enjoys him more.
The way I see it, if it's just some big ego grab and she likes to see you off-balance for the power aspect, then you should leave. However, I think she wants to break up with you, but doesn't have the guts to do it, so she wants you to do the hard part.
She's left you already. It's all over except the formal "Let's break up" discussion. No girlfriend who loves her boyfriend would ever treat him the way she is treating you. I hope her new exchange boyfriend isn't stupid enough to be awake and seeing how she treats guys she says she loves, because he is most likely next when something shinier comes along.
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (13 June 2014):
 For her to tell you about it is good. She's been upfront about spending time with this other boy, so he might just be a friend. Usually, it is the hidden relationships you need to be wary of. So yes, maybe you are overthinking this.
On the other hand, she does seem to be overstepping the line a bit. I don't have a friend I would want to buy a pet with and there is no-one I would rather spend time with than my girlfriend.
I would agree with Mark that she is doing this on purpose to be difficult and maybe she has moved on.
I know it won't be an easy conversation, but you do need to talk to her and ask if she does want to be with you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 June 2014):
 Sooooo, what you're saying is: "She's pretty much given up on me and her.... and has a new "boyfriend"...." No?
Listen!!!!!..... to what she is NOT saying... and I believe that you will find your "answer" there....
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2014): If i was in that situation i would personally decide to end the relationship. To me it would not be okay for my partner to be that close and make those kind of plans with someone of the opposite sex. You have to decide what you are and aren't okay with in a relationship and let your partner know and if they continue to do what your not okay with you need to decide if you want to stay in that situation.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (12 June 2014):
 Hi,
I don't think you are being over sensitive. To be honest, if anything I think you are missing the reality of this situation.
Your GF is going away for six months, a long time when your young. Basically you are in a six months Long Distance Relationship. If she loves you, respects you, expects you to wait for her return and be faithful to her, then she should be trying to give you assurances, make you feel you can trust her while she is away and that the LDR situation will work. Instead she makes you insecure, tell you she prefers the company of her male friend and is clearly far more interested in him than you right now. That's a pretty clear message.
Im happy for others on here to correct me if im wrong, and I DO want to be wrong here, but I think she is purposefully making it hard as she has moved on from you but doesn't have the courage to end the relationship. Instead of telling you where you stand she is either hoping you will take the hint so she doesn't feel so guilty, or leaving you in limbo should she come back without this new guy still on the scene as a back up plan.
I doubt if this other guys Partner would be too happy with the situation, maybe they have already agreed to go their separate ways as he will be away so long?
One of the common themes we encounter here on Dear Cupid is relationships between people in their early to mid twenties, who have been together since very early adulthood, that are not working out. The problem for couples aged 22-25 is that so many changes are happening in their lives, they are maturing, developing, evolving and experimenting and the scenery changes so, so fast that it can pull people apart. Maybe her six months away with someone new has made her take stock of her situation and perhaps has made her realize, in the nicest and most respectful way possible, that she had stayed with you too long or for the wrong reasons? Sometimes a person stays with a partner out of habit or out of loyalty rather than true love and commitment, only to find the ability to break that cycle when faced with a situation such as moving away for six months. It could be that six months away, meeting new people, and being in a new situation, has made her feel that she doesn't want to spend her entire adult life with one person and would like to broaden her horizons?
The only thing you can do is talk to her. Ask her where you stand. Choose a quiet moment and tell her your feelings on the matter and judge her reaction. That said, I would also judge her actions as well as her words.
Best of luck,
Mark
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