A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am going through the final stage of a divorce. When we were together i bought 2 cats for my wife. When we split up and she left she couldn't take them with her and so they have remained with me.I now have a new partner who i have been with for about 7 months. We have decided to move in together however she refuses to have anything to do with the cats as they belong to my ex-wife.My new partner has now given me an ultimatum - either the cats go or she does. My ex is unable to take them on and as silly as it might sound, i don't particularly want to give them away as i enjoy having them around.I love my partner dearly but having been given this ultimatum i wonder what will have to give next.Am i really being so unfair and unreasonable wanting to keep them?
View related questions:
divorce, ex-wife, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2007): My Dad says, a man who loves his woman will do his all to make her happy.
Not everyone equates animals-pets to children. To the GF, they are more like wedding rings and a marriage certificate, wedding photos, mementos that cause her offense and hurt.
I think what she is feeling is valid. Jealousy is fickle.
I say your past is your past but that should be just it; the past. Having cats around keeps the past alive.
Such things do stir up and re-awaken the past. They keep feelings and thoughts alive. I imagine this is what the GF feels threatened by.
Exactly why do you like having them around? What meaning have you attached to them?
Granted they were innocent victims of your divorce.
I think when you love someone and can understand where they are coming from; when things make more sense and you see if it is causing pain or distress-why would you want to hurt the one you love?
It really matters what she thinks, not us the strangers.
This is about you and her. Not us and what we think.
We may give you support but are you prepared to choose her over two cats? Is there no nearby friend or relative who would care for them and this way you could see them and know they are taken care of.
I don't think any one woman on this site would like it if a man choose two cats that were the Ex Wife's over them.
We can lay claim we would be understanding but...I don't think so. We women are very odd in this regard. And as humans, we attach meaning to most anything.
Who has more meaning to you? Who will enhance your life more? What is this life all about? Do you see a future with this woman?
If you are absolutely deadlocked on this, then seek a couples counsellor to sort out the feelings and meaning that is going on here. Get some perspective.
Best Wishes.
A
female
reader, rammsteinfan  +, writes (22 February 2007):
 You should have a long talk with your new gf about the cats! She could be alergic to them or she just hates cats! You should have said that they were YOUR cats instead of your ex's. I think that is just plain stupid on her part! If I were in her place, I would welcome the cats, period!
You probably had them for a long time, and have grown quite attached to them. That is not fair to you or the cats!
I hope that things work out for you two...and you get to keep them!
Good Luck!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2007): I agree with the others who say your gf is being unreasonable. I could see it if she was allergic, but just because you got the cats for your ex-wife?? Sheesh!!
Ultimatums don't work. Tell her she can't move in with you at present: her attitude is unacceptable.
In addition to which, you are NOT YET divorced, even though in the final stages. Better to wait until the divorce is complete - even then, if she won't see reason, you could still continue to date her; just don't allow her to live with you!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2007): If you love your new gal than give up the darn cats & get new ones with her. If i were your girl & you had to think 'bout it... i'd wonder where do you put me in your prioritys? Behind animals regardless how cute they are? Yeesh!
...............................
A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (21 February 2007):
 I think your new GF is being unreasonable. We all have a past and so on. But a cat is harldy the thing you want to vent anger at because of an ex... highly odd... Perhaps you should have said they were yours!
Anyway... My partner has an allergy to cats... I have had my cats 7 years, and been together with the bf for 4.
We have lived together for 3 and half years... Now with his allergy he can sometimes get wheezy, very sneezy, itchy eyes and comes out in a rash... he can take allergy tablets to lessen this and it comes in sways... but sometimes it can be a proper nuiscance, so we do take measures to lessen it. But he still insists that its not fair for me to get rid of the cats... He in fact now has a very soft spot for them... His perception is that the cats were there long before he was... I have offered to get rid of them (yes would break my heart) but he wont hear of it as he says its not the cats fault and we try to get round it as much as we can and he says its simply just the way it is.
What im trying to say, is that he has a genuine reason for me to give up the cats and he wont hear of it... He wants to be with me so he accepts that I came as a package with the cats.
I think if your girlfriend genuinely cared for you and she doesnt have an allergy then she wouldnt ask you to get rid of the cats. its very petty! Say you get rid of the cats and things dont work out with you guys ?
I cant believe that someone can be that daft about 2 cats... its me or the cats! That really is a silly unfair ultimatum.
...............................
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (21 February 2007):
 (or I guess I should have said - "at least until she learns to treat your feelings the same as you've treated hers. You're considering giving away you pets for her, for crying out loud! I think you are a very caring and considerate person - just don't let her take advantage of that. Her request doesn't even make sense...to me, anyway.)
...............................
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (21 February 2007):
Hi Anonymous,
I agree 100% with Tellulah. Your girlfriend is being completely unreasonable. She doesn't like your ex, so she wants you to give away your kitties? Because since your ex gave them back to you since she couldn't keep them, they are *your* kitties.
Where would they go? To a shelter? To a friend? I'm sure you love them - pets easily turn into family members and when they have to be given away or pass on (however they go is irrelevant) then the person who had them does feel a sense of loss. So it doesn't sound silly at all to me that you don't want to give them away. It sounds completely normal, actually.
If your partner really cared about you, then it wouldn't matter if you kept the kitties. It sounds like you two need to live seperatly for a while longer. At least until you both learn how to respect one another's feelings equally.
Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (21 February 2007):
 Hi
Thank god you never had kids with her, would you have to have given those up as well?
She is being totally unresonable to you.
If she had an allergy to them, it would be a different story altogether. But just because they are your ex's, she is being rediculous.
I am not a cat lover myself, but i would never expect my partner to give up a pet, because of my insecure feelings.
Maybe keep the cats and find someone who cares about your feelings towards animals.
XX
...............................
|
