A
male
age
36-40,
*3kid
writes:I met her in the summer through mutual friends of ours, a married couple that she's been living with for around a year since she split with a long term ex. We hit it off straight away and after some texting we met up for a drink and things moved on from there. We were together for 5 months. Our relationship was great, we never fought, we had a great time together. Then in mid November, she broke it off. She's always been very busy with her work and hobbies, she salsa dances several times a week, but we'd always found enough time for us to spend together. Since her promotion, however, she'd been incredibly busy, working a full five days instead of getting the half day in the week she used to have. She's responsible for troubleshooting for retail stores in an area 2 - 4 hours away. She gets up at 6/7 most days and get in anywhere between 4 and 7. She's often gone straight from work to a dance class or something else she has on - i.e. She's really busy. So the week before she split we were due to meet, but she was unable to. She text me and apologised, telling me she felt bad for not being able to see me - to the point where perhaps we should not see each other any more. I met her that day and explained to her that I'm ok with not being able to see her all the time, that I'm just happy to be with her when I can and for her not to worry. This set her mind at ease for a bit. Then a week or so later I text her about a trip to the cinema we'd planned. She replied to me later that day saying she'd call me on her way home, which she did. She started by saying she'd had a really stressful day but then went on to start saying that she just didn't have the time for a relationship and so on. I asked to meet her later, to which she agreed. So I get to hers and we start talking about the situation. She's obviously stressed and talking at 100mph. I asked her if anything had changed and she said no - In a nutshell she said that she felt guilty for not being able to give me enough quality time and although I was okay with it, it made her feel bad and distracted her from her work - it's not how she thinks a relationship should be. I asked her to be honest and tell me if it was because of me, if she didn't like me anymore. She said it's not me, but that for her a relationship shouldn't be how ours was, with her unable to give me enough time. I tried to convince her otherwise, telling her that I really liked her and didnt want to split up, that I could wait until she had more time. I was okay with things as they were, but she was pretty set on her decision. She said that she just doesn't have the time/energy for a relationship right now and she couldn't tell me when things will get less busy with her because she doesn't know when that might be. She felt something had to give. I reluctantly agreed, when I left I asked her to promise me that if things change with her that she'd give me a call. She agreed. The split was amicable, but it has really crushed me. It's been over a month now and I'm still crazy about her. I miss her so much. Because of our mutual friends I have seen her a few times. There was no contact for about a week then I text her to let her know I'd got a new job and I start in January. She said congrats and that was about it. I went over to our mutual friends for dinner to celebrate the new job the next week and she was there. It was the first time I'd seen her since we'd split up. Things were fine with us, but obviously different. She's friendly enough towards me but doesn't really seem to say much to me unless I initiate the conversation. I've had no texts from her or anything. Since we split I've seen her several times, as I've become closer to my mutual friends. When we had some time alone together I said to her that I hope it's not out of line that I have been around a lot to which she said it was totally fine. So we get on ok now we aren't together and there isn't really any awkwardness. Things are a bit different, and she's obviously nowhere near as affectionate/interested in me as she was when we were together. There has however been a couple of things which made me think - I saw her and asked her out for a coffee the next day. She said yes but that she might be too busy as she had a lot to do. I said that was fine and as I was saying goodnight she leant in and gave me a goodbye kiss on the cheek. Since then everytime we say goodbye there is a goodbye kiss. I'm trying not to read too much into it but it's difficult. I bought her and our friends some xmas gifts. I took her to one side and said to her that I'd gotten her a gift, I didn't expect anything back, but I just wanted her to have something nice. I wished her a merry xmas and we hugged and kissed again, this time I gave her a brief kiss on the lips and said goodnight.So if you're still reading this long thankyou! I think I'm in love with this girl and I'm dying to say something. I would do anything for her and I want her back, but I just don't know what to do. I don't even know if she is still into me in that way? I know right now that I can't say anything to her because the reason we split hasn't gone away. December and January are the busiest times of the year in her line of work. Plus, she's moving out of my friends place into a place of her own slightly further away. I know this is a busy time for her, but I'm unsure what to do because although I don't want to possibly ruin everything by pushing too hard, I don't want to leave it too long and miss my chance when she is ready to have a man in her life again. What do I do? Does she still like me? Am I being too much of a puppy dog around her?!? If there was a problem with how much I'd seen her and how I'd been with her she would have said because she's that type of person. She's not got a problem with saying how she feels if something is wrong.If you've made it this far I truly appreciate it and I hope you can help a stranger who doesn't know what to do!
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male
reader, 23kid +, writes (29 December 2010):
23kid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your time with this issue. I really don't think that she used her career as an 'excuse' for splitting up, it is a genuine reason. At least it seemed it. I understand what has been said about her not texting back straight away and as much as her friends say that's what she's like I can't help but think myself that if she did really care about me she'd respond sooner. Who knows...Is it not possible that she doesn't want to give me the wrong impression because she knows she doesn't want, or have time for, a relationship right now? She always seemed like a straight talker, I did outright ask her if it was because of me that we split up and she said it wasn't and that I was really nice etc. I guess it is easier than to outright say that you just don't like someone anymore. I'm really confused about it really because everything I know about her suggests she'd just be straight up with me. Why would she agree to call me when/if things change with her if she didn't want to? She could have easily said 'it's not going to happen'? I guess though, really, at the end of the day it's pretty much pointless to think about all these things that have happened because it's not going to change anything. I want her to be herself with me, but I suppose only time brings that. I can see where you're both coming from with your advice and to an extent you are right about a lot of things, there's nothing I can do so I just need to get on with things. It just still hurts, but I hope that will go away soon. I don't agree with everything you've said but I appreciate the outside perspective.
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (29 December 2010):
 hi kid
i think that your friends and the girl herself are doing their best to let you down as tactfully as they can but reading between the lines, it just seems that for whatever reason, the girl is just not into you, maybe just something as simple but important as chemistry or incompatible personalities. she took a while to reply to your text and then gave you the excuse that it was because she was with family. did she respond to you by text? is so, did she not have her mobile with her while she was with the family? it doesnt take a minute to tap a text to someone we care about (especially at christmas time and given the fact that she probably knows you were waiting anxiously for her reply) to explain that she is busy at the moment with family and doesnt want to appear rude to them but she will catch up with you when she gets home. seems like the real reason she did not contact you sooner is because she didnt want to, simple, but people often have a problem telling a truth like that coz it sounds cruel. i respect this girl though that she is not leading you on. she is giving you the signs as nicely as she can that she does not want to get back with you but you are just not wanting to see it. please try to cool it a bit more and if she wants you she will be back of her own accord, if you push her you will just push her away and then she may not even want to associate with you at all anymore. keep yourself as busy as you possibly can at this time and i promise you that you will find things get easier
xx
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A
male
reader, 23kid +, writes (28 December 2010):
23kid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not sure how I've been coming on too strong? Can you explain?
Also, she didn't call me to explain. She text me on Xmas day to say thanks for the gift, to which I replied asking if she'd had a good day. She then replied a couple of days later after she'd got back from seeing her friends and family. Then I asked her if she got anything nice, which she replied to and told me about. I said to her to have a good night and that was it.
I do understand it's for the best that we split up, even though I didn't want to and I know I have to respect her space, but she already said that it was fine that I've been around to see my friends while she is there, and she would have said to me or my friends if she had a problem with how things were. I don't see how I'm coming on too strong or annoying her?
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A
male
reader, 23kid +, writes (28 December 2010):
23kid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah my friends have been really good through this time, but they don't really have any answers for me. At one point I just wanted to lay it all out there and tell her how I'm feeling, but they helped me decide that wasn't a good idea because things with her hadn't changed and it'd just put pressure on her.
So yesterday she finally replied to my text. She'd been away catching up with family and friends that she hadn't seen for years which would explain why she'd not replied. I asked her if she'd gotten anything nice and she replied. It was short and sweet, polite enough but I could see she didn't want to go deeper.
My friend spoke to her as well and said that she'd noticed my ex had not really been talking to me that much when I'm around. Apparently she's been doing that because she doesn't want to give me the wrong impression, which could be misread as something other than friends.
So that's the situation so far, she'd married to her career. All I can do is hope that her work gets easier and she'll want to see me again. I've totally fallen for her, but I want to be friends still. I don't want us to just drift apart, although maybe that's for the best. What should I do?
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (27 December 2010):
hi
you only split with this girl in november so its still obvously raw for you, thats to be expected. you are doing the right thing keeping you options open. who knows how she might feel in the future. she may either be flattered that you still remain interested in her OR she may distance herself further from you if she feels pressurised by you. you know her better than we do so you'll have to use your judgement as to how she is feeling. do your mutual friends have any advice to give you? ask them for honest advice, not just comforting words. i hope this all works out the way you want it to but if she does not agree to go back out with you just remember that the hurt you feel will grow less and less as time goes on
xx
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A
male
reader, 23kid +, writes (27 December 2010):
23kid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou to both of you for your advice. I hope you both had a lovely Christmas if you celebrate it. I understand both your advice and I suppose logically you're right. It just hurts because I've totally fallen for this girl and to have her change from how she was when we were together to a much more distant version is really quite painful.
I guess it does make sense that she's reluctant to talk to me. I thought as well that maybe she feels a little bit awkward because I got her a gift and she's committed to her career, even if she is confused about how she feels. I have seen her a few times but I don't think I've been pushy, although I have asked her out for a drink a couple of times I've never given her any pressure about not texting me back or being distant. At least I don't think I have.
I don't know, I did explicitly ask her if she minded me being around and she was fine with it. My mutual friends have mentioned the idea of the four of us going out to dinner and she was interested in that. To be honest, if she had a problem with how I was acting she's the kind of person who wouldn't have a problem saying.
Thinking about it, I suppose that it's not that she dislikes hearing from me and talking to me, but that she is worried that texting back and forth will reopen her feelings again and make it difficult for her to concentrate on her work if she's thinking about me and if she's made the right choice. I guess she might be thinking of that now. Does that sound like it could be right?
Anyway, I know how I feel about her. I really hope that her work will calm down and she will feel like she has time for me. Like I said, I am keeping my options open, but it's her who I want and I'd do anything for. I guess I just need to accept that and move on in the meantime.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (26 December 2010):
hi and hope you had a nice christmas in spite of this? you say she should be able to spare you 2 minutes to text you but i think you know you would want more than that one 2 minute text back dont you? and i think she knows too that by keep replying to you it would open a line of communication that she does not want at present. i am glad you are keeping your options open and as long as you dont lead anyone else into thinking you are offering more then thats ok. i'm sorry but i think that your ex is doing the right thing by keeping only minimal contact with you. maybe when you stop liking her so much she will feel it is ok to be your friend. i know it is hard hunny but you know, we cant make someone love us just coz its what we want
xx
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A
male
reader, 23kid +, writes (26 December 2010):
23kid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe has chosen her work over me and I do understand why she feels she has to. But I'm a believer that if you like someone enough you can make it work no matter what; if she really liked me as much as I like her then she'd try to make things work... She did promise me that she'd call me if things changed with her, but who knows if that will actually happen. I am going to keep my options open and I have met some other women, but right now it's her who I want
I got a text from her on the morning of Christmas Day, thanking me for the present I got her. She said it was lovely. I text her back that evening saying I'm glad she liked it and asked how her day was. As of yet I've had no reply.
It seems to be a bit of a recurring theme, she seems reluctant to talk to me unless she 'has' to. I've text her a few times since we split and she mostly doesn't reply. She might reply once but she never seems to want to get a conversation going. We're meant to be friends at the least but it seems like a one way street at the moment. I want to text her and ask her why she seems reluctant to speak to me, why she won't reply to my texts if we're supposed to be friends? I don't see how she can't find 2 minutes to get back to me. Up until now I've tried to play it cool and been fine with her when I see her and accept it when she doesn't text back. It just doesn't seem fair. Am I entitled to feel annoyed by this? I don't want her to walk all over me. I'm just confused and frustrated that it's ok for her to accept gifts from me, but she can't be bothered to speak to me? We're meant to be friends after all. Am I making a fool out of myself if I get a bit upset with her?
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A
male
reader, 23kid +, writes (24 December 2010):
23kid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou, Jonas and angelDlite, for your responses. I'm still not sure what to make of things!
Firstly, I don't think she is in love with me. It's possible that she still likes me in that way but because we've split up she doesn't want to show me. It is also possible that she's not that into me, but I never got that impression when we were together until the work started piling up. Our relationship was great and there was a lot of fun and affection there.
She said to me when we split that with all the pressure that is on her the only thing she can control at the moment is that she can be on her own. I was the newest thing in her life. She really wants to prove herself at her new role and she feels this is her big chance.
She also had salsa exams coming up at the time. I never asked her to give up her dancing to see me - she's been doing it for several years and I think it's her main form of 'release' from the pressures of her work, but I also couldn't help but think that if she liked me as much as I liked her she would have sacrificed one night for me?
She often gets home and is straight onto her laptop to catch up with work related emails that she needs to do and as you said, Jonas, there are times when she is so exhausted she gets home from work and just goes straight to bed. I do think that the reasons she's given for splitting up are genuine, it is because of the situation. Logically, I think she should have feelings for me still - If she didn't she'd have been straight up, because that's the kind of person she is. She wouldn't have said that she'd get in touch if her situation changes, she wouldn't have agreed to coffee, or to meet up when she's moved into her new house and she wouldn't be initiating goodbye kisses if she didn't like me at all?!
Or am I just in denial?!?
I guess I just have to hope that things get easier for her and the lines of communication are still open enough for us to meetup again. I am trying to keep the communication open without pushing too much, it's difficult! I know I cannot put my life on hold for her, but if she'd asked me to wait for her I would.
I guess I'm still struggling to get my head around it all. If anyone out there has a perspective on this I'd be really, really grateful for it!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (24 December 2010):
maybe the stresses of work make her not want to give time to a relationship. yes thats right - i said 'not want' not 'can't'. she is not working 24 / 7 as she can find time for her salsa and seeing friends. i think you may have to just accept that this girl, for whatever reason is just not that into you. she is doing the decent thing by not texting you, meeting you for coffee etc so she is not giving you flase hope. remain friends with her by all means but just accept that it might never end up being more than that. i hope you can meet someone else who is happy to share their time with you, love you and give you everything you are looking for coz you sound like a nice person.
good luck xx
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