A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for 3.5 years now. When I met her, I was working night shift at a gas station. In the past three years I have decided to go to college, I am a junior majoring in biochemistry, and I am planning to apply for a Phd program. I am extremely busy with undergraduate research as well as labs and my course work. I love my girlfriend like crazy, but she has become overbearingly jealous and insecure. I am 28 years old and she thinks I am flirting with everybody that I know. I recognize that she is trying to control me and I try to ease her into knowing that I do associate with females at school, but strictly in a professional way. Every time a female friend calls me about a homework question, it is battle royale. Even when guys call me (with the exception of a few) about homework, her mood noticably changes. I have tried to break off the relationship, but she threatens suicide. I would go to her parents, but she is muslim and her parents do not know we are together. (I know it is hard to believe) I find myself always watching what I say, and if we fight, always having the situation turn to me not being there to console her. It is hard for me to console her when I am under daily interrogation about every detail of my day. I can't say I am totally right in all our situations, in fact, there are many situations I wish I could handle better, mainly being able to be there for her. This is hard for me because I feel like she thinks of me as an opponent. If anyone had the patience to read this, I would appreciate any words from anyone wiser than myself.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, wants_marriage +, writes (24 September 2010):
I would have to say that your situation is a very hard one. I couldnt deal with a controlling boyfriend and I couldnt imagine being a controlling girlfriend. I guess maybe talking to her about how stressed you are and why she feels that you would cheat on her. There is oviously a trust issue there. A relationship is built on trust. Maybe include her in your homework too and explain to her what you are doing if she is at all interested. Also if you want to keep this relationship take her out for a really romantic dinner. As far as the suicide goes that is usually an attention thing and not a very attractive one.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2010): I feel for you man. If you want out, break up and tell her parents, so someone can make sure she doesn't try to commit suicide. That might be a way to control you too but you can't mess with it. Better safe than sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): hey hun. This was never going to be an easy situation was it? I'll be honest, my boyfriend is about to start university as a mature student and I know for a fact that the course he will be attending is going to be with predominantly female students because of the subject. Im trying not to be worried because I want to show that I trust him, tho the scared little girl in the back of my mind has occasionally muttered "what if he finds someone better and leaves me" I think it is a normal thought for anybody, and a little bit of jealousy is even healthy at times because it shows your partner that you are willing to fight for them. but I think that maybe your girlfriend is struggling to control her feelings. Did you ever give her a reason to mistrust you like this, because if there has been cheating ect then tbh I dont really blame her. But if not then maybe she really isnt the right girl for you. The prob is, 3.5 years is a committed relationship not a fling. If you planned on staying with her, you need to meet her parents, maybe then she will see that you are committed to being with her because it gives her security of knowing that you are accepting her loved ones as well. Also love is give and take. I understand that you must be busy but you need to try and make time to spend together, alone, without any distractions like the phone or you talking about college,because she has no part in that and cant bring anything to the conversation once its been talked about so much. If you want a future then tell her, make plans like holidays and talk about the things that are good about your relationship. Show her that you want to make her feel like she has your undivided attention even if its just for small amounts of time . Threatening suicide is a horrible thing to do and again you said that you cant tell her parents, but if you really need to leave her then if shes having suicidal thoughts its better if you do tell them or somebody close to her so they they can just keep a watch on her for the time being. Shes obviously very insecure but its not fair that you should be blackmailed into staying when your not with it any more. I hope this has helped in some way, good luck x
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