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writes: Hi Everyone,I really need help and advice. My girlfriend, she is a wonderful mother to her 2 children, her daughter 14 lives with us, her son is 12 and lives with his dad, we live 5 hours away from her son. Her ex and her have been seperated for 4 years and she has just filed for divorce. My gf is an amazing person and does not like to see the bad in anyone (even her ex after everything he did to hurt her, she tries so hard to keep the peace with him, for the children, she never says a bad thing about him in front of her kids, she defends him saying that no matter what he has done to her he is still the father of her children). Her ex on the other hand, puts her down to their kids and tells them how selfish she is for walking away from him when he needs her. (He had a major accident not long after they broke up and is having a hard time with recovery.) He is a pot head and had cheated on her their entire 13 years of marriage, but she always kept what she could from her children. But after a while it got to be too much and she left.Now her son (12) has told her he does not have a mother and he wants nothing to do with her. Needless to say she is shattered to hear those words come out of her little boy's mouth. (I should also tell you that to her, her son is like her saviour, after she lost her son she became pregnant with this very special little boy, and he holds a place in her heart that no other person will ever fill. When he was very sick when he was 2 she sat in a chair with him for 2 weeks holding him and singing to him and he pulled through. He also has ASD)To my gf this has totally distroyed her. She is usually so strong, she holds her head high and does not let the world get her down. This all happened Friday, it is now Sunday, he will not take her calls and he does not want her to go up for his concert on the 30th though she is still going up. I feel so helpless. She is not herself, she has been crying non stop, heavy crying, it is gutt wrenching and I want to make it better for her. Last night she finally slept, only to wake up 2 hours later screaming and crying. She got up and said sorry to me and left the room I thought she was just going to the toilet maybe get a drink, I woke an hour late and she was not in bed I got up and she was sitting on the couch with the tv low and she was just staring at the tv, it was like she wasnt even there, she had tears running down her face but it was different crying to the day and night before. I tried to talk to her, but it was like she couldnt even hear me. I sat with her and held her hand. She won't eat, she hasn't moved other than to go to the toilet. Her daughter got her to drink a cup of tea, but otherwise she is not there. I don't know what to do to help her. I need advice please!!
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broke up, divorce, her ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (12 November 2012):
 Hi
Well good luck and remember, whilst they were seperated, in the kids minds, there may have been a chance of reconciliation. Divorce makes it final for everyone.
It also means that everyone can finally move on so in time things will sort themselves out one way or another.Be patient.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone,
Thank you all for your responses.
My gf and her son have always had a wonderful relationship. Even after the seperation, they talked every night and once a month her and her daughter would go up to see him and the kids dad, my gf and her son would go and stay in a motel, and they would play games and always had a fun time.
The kids father never makes an effort to see his daughter, and this upsets the daughter and at times she refuses to talk to him, but my gf has told her he is still her dad and she needs to talk to him, keep up the contact.
She has tried to keep up contact with her ex but since the divorce papers were sent he will not have anything to do with her, though he has texted over the weekend with her trying to get their son to talk to her.
This has all come out of the blue he came home from school camp and refuses to talk to her.
I have taken today off work to spend the day with her, try and pick her up a bit. I understand her son needs time and so does she, she just rings him and night and leaves him a message.
Again thank you so much for your input, I am just bieng there for her as she needs.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (11 November 2012):
Hi
In most splits there is always fall-out,especially when one partner is bitter,which is probably how her ex feels.
All you can do is look at the scenario from her 12yr old sons point of view. He might be her saviour but at this present time he needs space,he is the important one, his sister also.
Does the daughter go to see her dad and her brother?
Yes your partner may be devastated but so will her son be.As the adult and parent she needs to sort the issue with her Ex,face to face.If it comes to it, then fight for legal custody or at least regular access.If her son has chosen to stay with his Dad then for now,all she can do is let him know she's there for him as his Mum.
No matter what lead to the divorce,and there were 2 in the marriage remember,the children now have to get used to a whole new scenario,which includes you as well.It takes time and patience.
She has her daughter with her and she has you.Two people that love her.All you can do is be there for her.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (11 November 2012):
Has he always resented his mother like this since the split, or has he just suddenly cut her out in this way since Friday? If he hasn’t given her a reason for his anger it may well be that he is being manipulated by his father and poisoned against her. It’s understandable that you feel helpless but your girlfriend knows that none of this is your fault and that you’ll support her however you can, even if it’s just being the shoulder to cry on. What is your relationship like with her son? Would he speak to you so that you could try to establish what’s going on? Or how about her daughter? Would she be able to get through to her brother? Perhaps she might know what’s happened, or be able to find out. Perhaps your girlfriend could write him a letter that her daughter could pass on when she visits him and her father? Even if he’s not in the mood for building bridges, it would help if your poor girlfriend could at least have some explanation for this however irrational his reasoning. Perhaps if he knew how upset she is and how hard she is taking this he might at least agree to speak with her.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): I think that your girlfriend posted on here yesterday. If it wasn't her, it was someone in exactly the same situation.
I don't think that there's much either of you can do. Children are funny about their parents breaking up. Sometimes they blame themselves or the new partner or even one of the parents. All that either of you can do is to let him know that both of you are there for him whenever he needs you.
I think your partner has done the right thing in not bad mouthing her ex, but you can't control what the ex says to his son. It may be that his resentment is being passed on to the son, but you'll probably never know for sure. Her son may contact her in time, he may not. All you can do is to be there for your girlfriend whatever the outcome.
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