A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend is calling me selfish because I have no emotional connection with my biological son. I told her about the situation 3 weeks into the relationship but now over a year later she is bringing it up and pressuring me into getting back in contact with him.Background is that I had a fling with the mother 13 years ago where she became pregnant instantly. She had been trying with her boyfriend and wanted to be pregnant because her sister had a baby, so she basically used me for a sperm donor and then went back to her boyfriend. They moved and I left the country. After 5 years I came back and there was this photo of a little kid on my dad's wall so I asked who it was and my dad told me it is my son.So I hooked up with the mother again to try and make it work for Jack's sake but didn't entirely trust her and sure enough after six months I found out she was cheating on me. So I dumped her.I tried keeping in touch with Jack but his mum sent back some of the presents and gave a set of encyclopedia I brought him to a charity shop! She said she wanted me out of her life.So I left completely. Now I took him to the cinema with his friends a few times 3 or 4 years ago but other than that not had much contact. I think I saw him in the street the other day but I'm not sure I'd recognise him in all honesty.I just don't have a bond with him and surely if they don't want me in their lives, who am I to force them.My girlfriend keeps creating arguments saying I should have paidcchild support - but I told her straight out I would rather go behind bars than have given a penny to that whore who just used me for sperm. She is loaded and doesn't need my cash.My girlfriend gets really upset. I've tried for her sake to make contact so I phoned the mother and said I wanted to try and build a bond up again with the son and she said the best thing would be to send an email to him via her, and let him read it. Well I did that, a really nice and friendly email just saying I'm living here permanently now and if he wants to meet up to do something fun any time like a walk or cinema etc to get in touch. I've not heard back from him so I don't really see what I should do.Like, how can I force myself into his life? I've given him the open door, he knows he's welcome wherever I am in the world. Why is it such a big deal to my girlfriend? It's like she's started taking it really personally and is crying all the time about it. When we talk about it we just go over the same ground, we go in circles and I explain the situation but she still gets very upset.It's not even her child or relative so I can't understand why she's bringing it up. Especially a year after I first told her. Is there any advice you can give to resolve the situation?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): OP you have done nothing wrong. Your gf is way out of line. She is being very judgmental of you and then trying to control your life and feels she has a right to do so. Who is she to get upset about the life decisions you have made that don't involve her and trying to change you?? That is so arrogant of her. I think you've also done all you can to have a relationship with Jack but like you said, you can't force people to have a relationship with you who don't want to. Making yourself a pest in the life of your biological kid and his mother does them no favors, it certainly doesn't make for a relationship. You did NOT walk away from your child!! Don't let anyone shame you or guilt you into thinking you did, not your gf, nor anyone here. You continually reached out to them and left the door open but his mom made the decision to keep the kid away from you and she is the one who controls the child's life. How is that your fault? It isn't!! No one should make you feel guilty for not having control over the life of a child in someone else's custody. Your gf should have no say in this whatsoever, as it does not involve her in any way shape or form. In fact I would be very careful dating someone like her. She obviously feels she is the judge and jury of your moral character and that she internalizes things about you she doesn't like which have nothing to do with her. If you want to make more effort to have a relationship with Jack that's up to you, you've already done more than is reasonable and there comes a point where you just have to go with the flow and let things happen naturally or not happen naturally rather than trying to create forced artificial staged scenarios because it fits someone else' idealistic picture of a happy family. Given how you have always kept the door open for Jack but him and his mom dont' want to get closer to you (for all we know Jack could be very happy with whoever is being a real dad to him already like his stepfather if he has one now), you should let it be and not try to force THEM the way your gf wants.So to me the problem isn't your relationship with your biological kid. It's the relationship with your gf. She should not be internalizing these things about you and having a personal stake in it. The fact that she does, and that she feels she has the right to control your life and make your decisions for you, and/or will resort to classic emotional blackmail and manipulation to get her way, is a big red flag for this relationship. it will NOT end with just this issue of your biological kid, I can assure you. This pattern WILL repeat itself over other issues that have yet to surface but given enough time they will. Ignore her when she goes into tantrums about this. Tell her if this is so important to her then she will just have to find another boyfriend whose life had turned out differently from yours. If she does go and do that, then you've had a close call and narrowly missed being trapped in more months/years of misery with a uber controlling woman.I agree with other posters that the reason she is like this is she is probably trying to assess if you are "husband material" - she is probably thinking about having kids with you in future and is worried you will leave her and the kids so she is trying to change you into what she wants you to be. This is not acceptable. You are who you are. You have your reasons for the way things are, which you feel are right. You are living by YOUR values. If she can't accept you for who you are, then she should leave you rather than stay with you only to try to change you to suit herself. Lots of relationships and marriages break apart because one spouse does not accept the other and continually tries to change them for months, years, decades..
A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (19 March 2013):
 Maybe your son is on her mind because she is thinking about having children, but the fact that you could turn your back on your son is making her question your suitability as a father to her child so she is desperately trying to change you. To be honest, that's her problem, as you can't ever hope to change another person. As for you and your non-relationship with your son, I understand that it came as a shock and wasn't what you wanted, but you haven't done enough for him. You say you've left the door open and he's welcome into your life whenever he wants. Do you think he knows that and feels that that is really the case? He's probably feeling pretty crappy about himself.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 March 2013):
 Sending an email to him via his mother... he never saw it trust me.
While the mother sounds like a piece of work, the obligation is to the child.
I personally would not be comfortable being serious with a man who could walk away from his own child.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): I think this may just be too much for her OP. It's so easy for someone outside your situation, including her, to wave the moral wand around and magic up a true movie reunion of love and happiness between you and your son but life is not so black and white.
Unfortunately OP this is not something she seems to be able to get over and it's not something you're going to be able to magically fix.
You can't go back in time and change things, the situation as is, is far too complex than just being a case of you making the effort and suddenly having a relationship with him and she just cannot accept that, so in moral and practical terms OP she cannot accept you.
If you ignore the circumstances for one minute OP, then this is simply a case of you having a girlfriend who wants to change something very fundamental about who you are and not being happy with the guy you are at all. You'll never be the guy she wants you to be and frankly you trying to create a relationship with him just to appease her is the wrong reason, it's half-arsed and it's superficial.
It's simple you need to sit her down and talk to her and tell her she either accepts you for who you are, accepts your decisions on this topic or she has to go. OP you cannot say you completely love someone if you're trying so hard to change them. On this topic you and she are complete opposites and it sounds to me like a deal breaker for her.
Personally I've never gone through a custody thing or your situation so my opinion on what I would do is irrelevant but I can see her side to things too. In her mind you've abandoned what is supposed to be the most important person in your life, so how can she console that with the fact she too is supposed to be important to her but it too can be superficial and false. I think in her mind it makes her worthless and it means any child you may have with her can just be dumped for superficial reasons too. I mean the kid did nothing wrong even if the woman herself did use you.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (19 March 2013):
 Hi
3 weeks into the relationship it probably didn't register,now a year later,she is thinking more long term and more deeply.Is she pregnant herself?
I finished an 8 month relationship with a man when he told me he had a 6 year old daughter,the mum died and they wanted him to raise her as there was nobody else.He chose to have her adopted.Maybe he had his reasons but to me it was a dealbreaker.
Perhaps your woman is fighting her beliefs now.Your son is your son and to have him in your life is an honour,regardless of his mum.
You need to do some talking and soulsearching
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): He's not my child either and i am a complete stranger but some times we can see ahead at the missed years, the empty feelings, that should have been full of love. Although you feel bitter towards the mother, this is really a seperate issue and should never be the deciding factor of taking yourself out of your son's life. He is your son, and one day when you are old, you may look back with such regret that you never PUSHED THE MOUNTAINS TO PROVE LOVE FOR YOUR CHILD. I have seen the tears in many an old mans eyes, read the letters of regret left to children, listened to the empty heart of the child that felt abandoned. Your Girlfriend cry's because she has empathy and what a beautiful soul she is ( because she is not even his mother). Your Son CANNOT move mountains (he is still a child) YOU can MOVE mountains FOR HIM. Emotional bonds have not been able to develop for what ever reason, but bonds can develop overnight, when another person saves a life they have a life time bond that came from no where. So don't believe that this lack of connection and bond is forever, it's (YOUR CHOICE). FIGHT FOR YOUR SON, and THANK your wonderful girlfriend for her support and part in making a difference to how YOUR CHILD WILL GROW UP AND HOW HE WILL FEEL.The time is now! As a foot note: My sister had a one night stand and found herself pregnant 18 years ago, she had a little girl and my sister searched for 2 years for him because he lived away and only knew his name, she found him to show him his daughter. He was so shocked and angry because he had just got married was expecting a baby with his new wife, he turned his back at first, after my sisters talks with both, they made an agreement, sounds very cold but he felt no bond at first( this soon chnged). Anyway 18 years later because the little girls MUM and dad and his wife decided to TRY thei best to make her happy, My neice is a happy go lucky, self confident, hard working gentle hearted young lady, with no pain in her soul because she knows her DAD loves her and adores every hair on her head. The parenting roles were shared with visits and stays and family holidays, she now has 3 brothers.A happy complete little soul.Do it for yours.Good Luck:)
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A
female
reader, misLadYd..  +, writes (19 March 2013):
 this is hard for you and she doesnt even get it but you tried your best.nothing more you can do..they will come to you.. Your son i mean. One day he will.
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