A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How often is too often to see your significant other? In the last few relationships I’ve felt burned out too quickly from them and I think it’s a problem I’m having with myself. I’m dating a girl now and have been for the last year. She does everything with me and rarely spends time to herself. When I do take time to myself, she just sits in her room alone. We see each other 5-6 days a week. Even on days we are spending apart, she insists I come visit her for 15 minutes or so. Is this normal? I care for her but I no longer am excited to see her and don’t miss her very much when we’re apart. I like my space and alone time, but she seems to want to spend 100% of our free time together. I think this is unhealthy. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (27 October 2017):
 Alas, the works of a woman. Explaining this to her can be very tricky and very risky. Women often tend to lead with emotion rather than logic. She may have a hard time understanding that sometimes you just want to be alone, instead she might see it as something being wrong with her or you wanting to see other people and there her thoughts spiral into space.Clingy women almost always have nothing to do with there spare time or have little or no friends. Try and find out what she has always wanted to do but never done, try and encourage her to do it without you being present, this way she will have something to do as well start making friends.You have needs too, and one of them and one of them is to not have a partner always breathing down your neck even though it's with good intentions. Either have a direct talk with her if you think she will be pragmatic or just guide her into a direction that may solve the issue. She's annoying you and annoyance can easily and lead to anger. One day you may explode at her and that probably won't end well.All the best.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 October 2017):
 Everyone is different and has different needs. She obviously needs a lot from a relationship while you need your own space, nobody is right or wrong you are both just different. Personally I can see where you are coming from because I love my own space and feel suffocated if I don't get it. You do need to ask yourself is this going to work long term? If you don't miss her then maybe this relationship won't progress in to moving in together and even further. I mean I love my own space, yet I am married now and we both work in the same place, yet still we manage to do our own thing and keep the relationship fresh, if we need our own space we do our own thing. My husband hates spending time on his own he gets bored while I am the opposite, it can work but you do need to be honest with her and tell her how you feel.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 October 2017):
 It depends. It sounds , anyway, that it is not healthy for you,- because your needs for closeness do not match hers.
While surely it is regrettable, and worrisome, that, without you, she does not know what to do with herself , I must admit that I know lots of happy couples who , when work / geographic location allows it, see each other every day, at least , as you mention, just for a few minutes if more is not possible, and they do not seem to suffer for that at all .
But I do not think there's a right or wrong way for this, or an ideal weekly number of dates for everybody.
Everybody is different, some people need, really need, some me time or alone time, some personal space to devote to things other than their relationship- and this does not mean that they are anaffective, or incapable of being good ,loving, caring partners. They are just wired differently. Quality over quantity.
I feel your pain :): I am someone who can fall in love, and be in love- even to unhealthy excess at some points in life, and YET crave my personal space. I had a relationship where I was much in love, a bit obsessed actually. We lived in the same city, but due to conflicting schedules, we could only spend weekends together. I started longing and pining for him , really longing and pining , on Monday mornings, and it went worse all week long, until blissfull Friday night. I was still very happy on Saturday mornings, and still happy on Saturday afternoons. By Saturday evenings I started feeling a bit antsy, and begin sort of counting how many hours yet until I was free to finish an interesting book , or to dabble with my oil painting, or to tidy up my lingerie drawers... until on Sunday night I would exhale a big relief sigh in seeing him go. Only to start longing and pining again on Monday morning, of course :).
She is as she is, and you are as you are, and I do not think there's much you can do , other than, as the other poster suggests, having a frank, serene , not confrontational conversation with her. Try to explain her that your wanting some time for yourself does not mean that she is not desirable or not interesting, or that you don't care - it just means that some people do not do " full immersion ", regardless of feelings. It could help if you try to get her involved in something new, some new hobby or sport or activity, like some course or recreational club where you could accompany her the first few times, with the agreement that IF she likes it, once she has broken the ice, she will go alone ( and that's a big favour you'd do her, because not having other interests in life than men is, IMO, downright dangerous ! ) . If it does not work, though, and your words fall on deaf ears, you will need to break up. No point in dragging things on if you are not compatible from this point of view; soon you'd start to resent her and dislike her - and it would end anyway, but messily rather than amicably.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2017): I would say that a year relationship, though there no real gauge as everyone is so different but I would say 4 nights in total . One night at the weekend should be yours for going out with friends or family and the other two for you both going out together and the 2 nights through the week . But really after a year you really are looking at where is this going - settling down - which would mean you would be seeing her every evening .. that should feel awesome.. but you don’t feel like that .Why ? What are you both like together .. For instance, when I got engaged my now hubby decided to visit every night. So it was intense and at one point I thought it was too much but then I then I realised it’s what you do. However we were good at giving each other space while even together like he can watch a programme or game or match .. im his:mates beer sandwich girl. I get the goodies. And also he can let me read and stuff while he does other things. Can she just watch you game or do something else while you amuse yourself as even together. People need that lil' me time here and there
...............................
A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (26 October 2017):
 It sounds like youre burnt out, communicate how you feel or break off the relationship. 5-6 times is a lot, I am a female who also loves my space so even once a week was very satisfying with previous men I have dated. With dating, quality time together is what you should be seeking, not quantity. Sit her down and have a talk like a adult.
...............................
|
