A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some outside advice... We've dated for over 2 years now. My girlfriend has stood me up 4 times in the past 3 weeks.Each time, she had what sounds and feels like a reasonable excuse why it happened.First time, she had fallen asleep - getting over a flu - and thus had forgotten to finish her homework; she had to get it done before the following morning. Second time, she had to run home to her family to deal with a family member being in the hospital.Third time, she had eaten something that didn't agree with her, and spent a few hours in the bathroom. Fourth time, she fell and sprained her ankle.All of these I have every reason to believe. She's wearing an ankle brace. I know which class she had the homework in - I took it last semester and it definitely can throw big assignments on you quickly. And I know the family member who was in the hospital - we don't talk much but I did hear from another family member of hers who brought it up. I've seen her in class with the ankle brace. And well, I can't say much for her eating bad food, but it happens to us all. I really don't have a reason to distrust her at all. She's never blatantly lied to me that I've known about.The problem is, I'm getting to a point where being stood up is just hurting. I do trust her and I have no reason to believe she'd make anything up, but being stood up for four dates in three weeks - and we haven't been on any other dates in that time - really hurts. Every time we make a date I get all excited, happy and prepared... and then I want to cry when she calls *again* to say she can't make it.We ended up having a little argument last night. I told her that I understand her situations but that I really do want to see her, that being stood up even for good reasons is hurting me, and I will do anything I can to help it work out. She is stressed as hell this week because it's finals week and such, and I chalk some of this up to that, but she basically lashed out at me a bit. She basically said that she is under so much stress and that I need to be more understanding of how she is feeling. She seems to think that by me saying I am hurt that she hasn't been keeping dates that I'm indirectly accusing her of not trying hard enough for us and expecting her to abandon other priorities for me.I am under a lot of stress too, of course. But I don't try to make that an excuse. I would personally feel absolutely terrible if I had to stand anyone up this many times in a row, and I would go out of my way to make sure it didn't happen again, or basically I would somehow make time for my relationship wherever I could fit it in, as soon as I could. I sort of feel though that to her, me wanting to spend time with her is just another "obligation" she has to fulfill and doesn't have enough time or energy to devote to everything - and I'm low in the priority list compared to school and family.Most of what you read online about people picking fights, ignoring their partner, etc. seems to come from girls complaining about their boyfriends. I'm in the opposite position. I try my best to be as good of a boyfriend as I can be. I always think of her. I never forget important dates. I always make special plans for Valentines Days and such. I call her just to say I love you and so on. I'm not perfect, of course, but I try. I don't overdo it, I just try, and want, to do all of the things that good boyfriends do for their girls. And yet lately I feel like I am more of a burden than a blessing to her...Was I wrong in telling her I was hurt about us missing dates? Am I truly not being understanding ... can I do more to show that? I keep throwing this back and forth in my head and I'm just looking for some completely objective advice... Sometimes I feel yeah I have a right to express how I feel, other times I feel like I maybe shouldn't have said anything given that I can tell she's going through a lot... All I want to do is be there for her. She is stressed, I understand. But I would help her in any way that I can. I'm not sure if she's afraid to ask for help or feels she has to be independent and asking a guy for help is wrong or what, but it's making me feel a bit low, because not only do I not get to go on dates with her lately, but I also can't do anything to help the reasons that it's happening. I don't even need an extravagant date. Just an evening at home watching a movie or talking would be great. I've told her that, and she just apologizes, and usually says something about the fact that the situation she was in stressed her out and she didn't want to lash out at me. I get that breaking your ankle, or being sick, or whatever, is stressful. But I also feel that having the support of people who love you is a great way to relieve at least some of that stress. I try to give that to her, but it doesn't seem to affect her at all, in fact it seems to get to her. The thing is, this whole thing is sort of attacking my self worth. I want to be a good thing in her life, one that's worth the responsibility of a relationship, not something that she has to somehow make time for around all her problems... Please, tell me your thoughts?Thanks
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (16 December 2012):
 Ok, hold on a minute here...did I understand correctly that she doesn't actually cancel a date, she just doesn't show up? And you find out some time AFTER the fact that some kind of emergency has arisen?
If that's so, then that changes things.
If this happened once because of an extreme emergency, then fine. I wouldn't like it, but I'd probably let it slide. For it to happen 4 times (all for non life threatening emergencies)...I'd think that person didn't want me around and was course and cowardly enough to string me along until I got the hint.
Don't contact her for a couple of weeks. If you don't hear from her, it's over.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (15 December 2012):
 You are assuming women are reasonable. They are frequently not. Or at least not in the way men mean "reasonable."
You seem unwilling to follow the advice being given here. Too bad.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): OP here
Your advice makes sense but seems to conflict with my issue.
It feels like I'm supposed to not expect her to keep dates, or even to notify me if she can't make it. Things happen, yes. But what's reasonable?
If we make a date I make sure there's time for me to focus on her. I do have plenty of other things I could be doing. But I make sure that when we have a date that the time is just for her. She said herself many times that it annoys her when anyone, not just a bf, is spending time with you but is constantly distracted by something else. So I'll make sure I have a clear schedule, I'll tell friends I'm planning on a date and they agree to call me after or whatever. And then I sit and wait for her and she stands me up, and it's not until hours later that I find out why.
How can I somehow tell her that this isn't ok, that if she needs to cancel it's more fair to at least do so as close as possible to the time of the date? I feel like when something happens it takes her attention and she forgets about me. So she can't make the date. But if she were to let me know that she can't, and why, I might be able to do something for her. I might be able to bring her medicine, or adjust plans so we can still spend time together even if it's at her place and not out. I can't do that if she stands me up, ignores me, then tells me hours later that oh, she had this come up.
When I've tried to bring this up, it's always seemed to just stress her out more. The unspoken implication is that having to text me to cancel our date is a responsibility that is stressful! It feels like I'm supposed to just understand that something happened, *even when I don't know what it was!* If she plans a date and doesn't show up, I'm apparently supposed to assume it must be serious. How can I assume that after the fourth time? By then, anyone would start to worry and at least want to be told what's happening. And even if I were to take that at face value, the last thing I want to do is sit at home and invent scenarios as to what horrible thing might be happening to her *this time*. I do think it's fair that she tell me if she's canceling, in a reasonable time period. Then I can at least not sit and worry for hours, which stresses me out, which ends up later causing a huge fight.
How can I get this across to her, without saying it in a way that will make her more stressed or angry?
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (13 December 2012):
Candid Cally and Ciar both give really good advice, read it carefully:
"You are contributing to her stress by telling her you are upset with her because these stressful things in her life ruined your plans"
"You have got to learn to be more flexible and self sufficient."
Those two points are really important to understand.
You say you want to take an active role in being a caring, dependable boyfriend. But instead you are being a dependent boyfriend. You are making this about you: your emotional needs from her, your need to see her to prop up your self worth. That's a huge burden to lay on someone, it's no wonder she is pulling away. It's both tiring and very unattractive.
You really are going about this in the opposite way that you should. Please try this, I know from personal experience it works:
- Back off from her. Give her space, real space. Don't send her coded messages hoping for a reply. Don't sit there hoping she'll get in touch. Don't say 'I miss you'. Don't say 'see you soon'. Let her go for now. That's what giving space means. You expect nothing from her for now. Nothing at all.
- Do your own thing. What do you enjoy? Seeing movies, going out drinking with friends, playing games, playing music? Whatever it is, go do it. But it should be something social: with other people. The aim here is for you to get your social needs fulfilled by others. This is really important. You need to be able to have fun socially without her, if you can't then your relationship is doomed anyway. And in this situation it's the only way you are going to get over your neediness whilst giving her the space she needs.
- Send her a message saying 'I understand you've got a lot on, just let me know when you have some time and would like to meet up. I'm good'. That's it. Don't say any more. don't push her. Don't imply you need to see her. Don't make her feel guilty for not having the time nor desire to see you. And don't keep sending more messages. One is enough.
- Then get on with your life. Wait for her to get in touch. Every 3-4 days you can consider sending a message saying 'i hope everything is going well', or something like that. Again, don't word it so you need a reply, don't word it so you need her to do anything. A small note to tell her you care about her is enough, but that's it. And don't necessarily send it, it's totally ok not to talk to her for a week. She will let you know when she wants to see you and has the emotional space to see you. Remember: no questions, no demands, no expectations of a response. Let her come back to you when she feel like it, not when you push her to do it.
- Keep getting on with your life. As above: have fun, work, do stuff with other people.
The stronger you can be in yourself, without her, the more she will realise you are not necessarily someone who is emotionally dependent on her. She will realise that you are a strong person, not a needy one. At that point she will want to see you again. But you can't hurry this process. And if you make a mistake and start sending her needy messages or acting upset she won't see you, you'll just drive her further away. You could easily lose her altogether. Don't blow it. Stay cool.
Remember: give her real space, don't demand anything from her, have no expectations. Get on with your life and have fun without her. Give it time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): Hi, I agree her excuses seem genuine but surely an sms or get someone to call and say she has an emergency would not be too inconvenient. 4 times in a row.....and the sms comes after you have been wiating , sorry but I would not want anyone to stand me up on the date without droping me a call or sms if there is a genuine excuse before the date, not an hour or two later. I dont think its okay to let someone wait and wait for you....it hurts and you feel rejected.
I would do as someone suggested send her flowers, love u, miss u and sorry about the fight. But that should be the last attempt to fix the relationship as it takes two to make it work.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (13 December 2012):
'Having the support of people who love you is a great way to relieve some of that stress'. It certainly is. So what does this support look like exactly? And in what ways have you provided it? I mean real support, not simply spending time with her which is really more about you than about her (that also applies to those special occasions you credited yourself with remembering).
I can appreciate that you've been disappointed, but you know what? This is what happens in a relationship from time to time. For better or for worse right? You may not have exchanged vows or made it legal, but that commitment is implied by virtue of the exclusive relationship you have, isn't it? What exactly do you think that means? That no matter how difficult things are for her, how run down she is, how much is on her plate, she must still look after you? You don't have anything to keep you busy and entertained while she's indisposed?
I couldn't agree more with every word Candid Cally said. There were so many things you could have done here, but chose not to.
I'm guessing you hope to marry one day. If not this girlfriend then another one down the road, yes? What you're getting now is a glimpse of what's to come. The real world. Not some fantasy land where boyfriends and girlfriends can spend all their free time together because someone else is putting a roof over their heads and food on the table.
If you're carrying on like this now, how on Earth are you going to manage when you have a family of your own and the demands on your wife are even greater than the ones on your girlfriend? The constant balancing act of job, running a household, raising children while trying to keep a husband happy and content? Believe me those demands are enormous.
You have got to learn to be more flexible and self sufficient. For both of your sakes. Find something to do with yourself during her brief absence. If you don't that absence might become permanent and then you'll have a whole lot of free time on your hands.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): OP here,You guys all have great ideas. I am feeling I should be more attentive to her stress, but I want to do it more actively.The problem with these date stand-ups is that she didn't let me know until after the fact. I'd wait for her, wait, wait, and wait... And eventually, late at night, I'm frustrated and upset and sad, and THEN she texts me to tell me "I didn't make it because..."Say we have a date at 7. If she were to call at 8 or even 8:30 and say hey, I'm feeling like crap, I can't make it, I'd want to do exactly what you guys suggested. Show up with medicine and soup and a movie. And I would do that if I knew she was sick. She had a family member take her to the doctor for the ankle thing, and then after that went to spend the weekend with her family, who lives relatively far away from here. They're the ones who get to take care of her and all that. Her excuse is that some of her family have medical skills, like I think a couple of them are PACs or something, so "this really isn't a knock at you but they have qualifications and so I'm going to trust them..."The upshot? I want to care for her, and the fact that some situation comes up and the specific date plans we made can't work doesn't upset me. What upsets me is that the only thing she makes it sound like I can do for her is to sit back, accept, and understand, while she deals with the situations on her own or with her family, and rejects my help. She is kind of headstrong and likes her independence, but sometimes I wonder if she's just too proud, or even too afraid sometimes, to realize that it's OK, even great, to let the people who love you help you when you need it, especially a relationship partner...I know that I need to show that I care about her, but I want to be able to do that without having to be passive and quiet. I love her, and I want to be able to take an active role in being a dependable caring boyfriend. I think I get most upset that she makes it seem that the only way I can "care" is to be silent and passive.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (12 December 2012):
Here's the deal: going out and having fun is low priority compared to being sick, hospitalized family members, and final exams.
If she was going out and partying and avoiding you, then i could understand your hurt feelings, but she isn't.
The truth is, you could have bought and brought her medicine and juice and spent time taking care of her while she had food poisoning, or you could have spent time with her going to the dr or hospital with her for her sprained ankle...you even could have brought over dinner and a movie for both of you to enjoy...but you didn't.
Instead of trying to compromise and be supportive while one thing after another goes wrong in her life, you are contributing to her stress by telling her you are upset with her because these stressful things in her life ruined your plans...so now, on top of all of the crap life keeps throwing her way, she also has to deal with you whining about how things out of her control and how hurt your feeling.
Personally, i think she has her priorities straight. College, family, and a person's health are far more important than trying to schedule a date with a whiny boyfriend who doesn't know how to empathize or compromise.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (12 December 2012):
 I agree with the other poster that you may have to back off a bit and give her more space. What I would do tho is apologize for the argument. Since you saved all this money from the date that didn't happen, send her some flowers (not roses, a nice assortment) and put on the card, "Sorry for the argument, I just really miss spending time with you." and see what happens. Her response will tell you your next step. It should reveal if she's seeking space, or if she's truly sorry for missing the dates. Either way, you'll know the direction of your relationship by how she responds.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 December 2012):
 I agree with Yos, let her make the next plans for getting together.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (12 December 2012):
I suggest you back off. Leave her some space. Don't make plans to see her. Focus on doing stuff you enjoy: see friends, have fun.
That will help you with your self worth. And it will also change the dynamic between you and your girlfriend. Right now you are appearing needy to her, and a drain on her emotionally and time-wise. That's not attractive. Instead if you leave her be and have fun she'll likely start to miss you, and get in on the fun you are having. You can talk to her of course, but don't make plans to see her and don't push her. Rather be friendly, but place no demands or expectations on her (including replying to your messages).
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