A
male
age
51-59,
*ph
writes:My girlfriend and myself have been together for about 2 and a half years. I am 37 and have been married in the past, she is 32 and has also been past married. My issue is after a year of amazing sex and intimate encounters, my girlfriend has lost her desire for anything physical. I havent had a passionate kiss from her in over a year. I realize that in the beginning of a relationship things are hot and the initial attraction factor takes over then things cool off. We are intimate maybe once a month at this point with me doing all the initial work. I have been beside myself with this issue. She says she loves me and is in love with me, but does not show it in a physical way. When this issue first came up, she said she was uncomfortable with her body, which i understand self perception can make a woman not want to by physical. But for the past year her story has changed. She has said that this is just the way she is and I need to deal with it. I have tried everything from talking to her, making time for just us, everything I have learned from my past. I have read everything I can find in regards to this matter and I am at a total loss. I am tired of pleasing myself just to stay sane. I dont understand why she doesnt even want a passionate kiss from me. I have expressed to her on many occasions that I feel she isnt attracted to me anymore by her actions, but she always says that isnt the case. Her actions tell another story to me. I guess my question is what more can I do to help her regain her sex drive (if anything) I dont want to spend the rest of my life in a loving yet non physical relationship. I want us to work out, but im at a loss. We are at a point where the only issue between us is our different libidos. When I bring up this issue now, It almost always starts a fight. Any answers, pointers, suggestions to this matter would be helpful. thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2012): Depends etirely on the reason. Having gone through this scenario it did not have a great outcome. 1st off, I have spoke to a lot of people, both men and women on the issue. Many women want sex, and their male partners have cut them off. And, of course the other way around is probably more common! Ruling out the "laws of attraction" failing, which would mean one of you became, fat, abusive, unattractive emotionally and physically is another way to put it. But, I have to assume that is NOT the case. In my case, we were fit, middle aged, but youthful in looks, attitude, appearance and never had a significant fight. Intensely passionate for months and then sex and touching in general was over. Still great friends, numerous discussions, from her poor body image, to stress at work. Well, like I say...many working stressed people find time to golf, play chess, watch TV, read, etc. to unwind. How hard is it to escape into each others arms and enjoy the carnal pleasures offered to loving couples? Like I said, it does not have a great outcome. Especially, since the frigid partner (frigid in this case, a term for convenience and can be either a man or woman) will pretty much control physical intimacy for the remainder of your relationship, unless they can or are willing to change. My experience is that people do not change much. Like not being able to eat your least favorite food, it just is too vulgar and difficult to eat spinach if it makes you sick. Extreme...maybe, but if you like it once a week and now it is every month (if you are lucky) and evolves to once a year and then to once a never! How happy are you going to be? Before, it just wears you out? Now, I forgot, remember...in my case and many others...all other areas of the relationship are great! What a pickle! Yet, unlike a single person, who expects to be isolated at times, both physically and emotionally, they can keep trying, or accept that they are free to find someone. Married or in a committed relationship people are trapped and more isolated! If cut off sexually, where and what can they do? Affairs are common, but what if you love being monogamous and love your partner, but also love and miss that intimacy so much with your partner that it is a deal breaker? Well, you'd better find gentle ways to suggest (pressuring a partner never works) it is very important and you'd do anything to help. Counseling, patience, seperatation, just touching with no sex, intimacy comes in many forms, stay loving, then back off for months if neceesary. Then ask calmly and politely that you really miss your partner and love her (him) so much and explain it is hurting your chances of remainging in a relationship, can we try to work this out? Well, depending on the person, it might not work! People change very little. You might have the wrong person if you value physical intimacy. I can only say, I am great friends with my ex, but she encouraged me to find someone else, and I did. Heartbreaking as it is, it is far better than 5 years down the road cheating or wanting to punch her for being so unavailable. The good news, is friends is not all bad. I still don't know what happened and she does not either. (I believe her) She said, body image issues, I said bull shit...she was gorgeous and I even said that is selfish, especially because you take my joy away for something you did! (assuming she gained weight...and what guy really cares about a love bump anyway) But, truth be told, that excuse is a mask and not real. Something changed, but they or experts only know. I just know accept no to little sex, or move on somehow...it is not likely to have a great outcome if you like sex with your partner. I can only say, do not let others steal your joy. Be careful not to move on too fast if there is hope. How long? For me it was about a year of celibacy and I had enough, especially when prior to that it was great! So, how can a week or two of no special events change a persons heart that fast! Mystery for sure...sadly, with no answers. But, I can only say, how much joy it is to be with a person who is of similar libido. But, take care that it not only be about sex. And, take time off to search for what you really value in a person, and discuss frankly that sex will have to be included as the whole package in a committed relationship. Chemistry cannot be willed or commanded so pay attention! Choose wisely and with someone who maybe just gels easily with you and not so much work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): I am exactly in the same boat aswell. I have been dating my gf for two and a half years. Sex was great for the first year, and we was extremely passionate with each other. We then moved in together, but I was then made redundant and couldnt afford to support myself. I did take advantage of my gf and I could not accept the job she was doing. All of a sudden arguments broke out, which never happened before and sex disapeared completely. We got through all this and I am back on my feet. She still does the same job but I have learnt to accept it. (No she is not an escort) We both love each other to bits, and are now attending counciling to try and fix things. The thing that scares me most is that she says its not in her hands anymore. She said look at it like this. You once loved cider but now you cant drink it anymore because it makes you sick. She said that she is not comparing me to cider at all, but was explaining how it is not in her hands anymore, and that I dont make her sick at all. She wants to fix things, but doesnt know how. We love each other to bits, we cuddle every night, we sleep in each others arms. We make each other laugh all the time, and we are extremely happy in each others company But there is just no sex anymore. There is a 10 year age gap between us. I am 27 and she is 37. She is under alot of stress at the moment also because she hates her job, but she says that its not because of the job that we are not having sex. She doesnt even know what it is herself. Can any women relate to this at all? Or give some advice.
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male
reader, Sinent303  +, writes (15 December 2009):
I'm in the exact same situation.. As sad as it is we just had a big fight (which has been much more then usual) and I'm out on my couch googeing this.
We've been dating for 1 year and 7 months. We moved in with each other beginning of May 2009.. so it's been roughly 6 months. I am 21 and she is 19, both very attractive people and are very attracted to eachother.
Same story, sex was great, often and clearly she wanted it as much as I did.. But the last 2-3 months have been close to nothing. She's also told me that it has nothing to do with me.. It's all her (typical)
Our relationship has been amazing up until this time, the arguments have escalated, her sex drive has completely diminished and we have no idea why. I'm becoming worried and concerned about our relationship... Many of her friends have told her "she's ruining the relationship" and im reassuring her she's truly not..
My girlfriend is stubborn, selfish and most ridiculous, I literally treat her like a princess and she treats me like shit half the time.
The kissing is the same, no intimate "make-out" sessions.. just pecks and then it's as if im not worth her time and she can find something else to do. But 5mins later she will walk up and slap one on me... It makes no sence.
No sex for the last month and a half, getting closer to 2 months... she's also just recently started the neuva ring opposed to birth control within the last few months.. But I havn't read anything stating that's the cause of any issues.. But who knows.
I just want my baby back, I want the fun loving confident self starting sexually active woman she was..
I'm just concerned it's going to get to a point where she doesnt want me what so ever.. And I don't know how I'd ever be able to take that..
I'm scared shitless.. I'm worried and clearly aren't the only person dealing with this... but a 19 year old girl who's lost her sex drive... What the hell..
Cheers.
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reader, valcwest +, writes (25 September 2009):
I'm in the same boat man. And answers from writers like- A female reader, anonymous'- writes (30 May 2008):"I catch him looking at women, i catch him watching porn and it makes me feel even worse about myself"; just goes to show how selfish women can be. She clearly explained how much she was uninterested in sex because of her own insecurity. Its pathetic actually. When a partner knows that there is a problem and they are not willing to compromise or at least seriously communicate the issue, there is a problem. If you feel you can spend the rest of your life like this, do it. Otherwise, just find your happiness. Thats what I'm gonna do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008): mm im just the same;
me and my boyfriend have been together just over 6 months and for the first few months it was great but lately ive just gone off sex and passionate kisses. i love him too pieces and cant imagine being without him. were both young also, hes 20 and im 17. he cant understand why i dont want it and says he thinks i dont love him but i do. or his friends tell him what if im getting it elsewhere which isnt the case i just really cant be bothered with it at all. and he says self pleasuring doesnt help. we havent done anything for about just over a month. is there anything i can do to get back into it :S?? x
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): Heh. Well now we know what happened to previous marriage, eh?
You're sexually incompatible. Not much you can do to change it, really. If you can live with it, more power to you. If not, bad news...
And I'm guessing you're leaning more towards the "I can't take it anymore" side, since it's now starting fights and has you posting on the Internet for help. It'll only get worse in the future.
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reader, badboyburrell  +, writes (13 June 2008):
hi i have the same sort of issues with my girlfriend,
and although we are working thru it, its not an easy road, and there is no set way of doing it... yes you do need to try and understand her and not put pressure on her, which by the sounds of it your acting brilliantly already.. but she needs to understand you just as much... and she needs to realise this... you can not be in a situation where you are unhappy, then be expected not to talk about it cos it makes her feel bad.
saying its just the way i am, isnt really a good response, because even if it is just the way she is. you are just trying to tell her its making you unhappy, and as a partner she should want to recognises that and try and work with you to find the happy medium for you both..
no one should want or expect there partner to stay with them whilst being unhappy, nor should they expect them to stay quiet about it.
i would say its one of 3 things..
1) she could have low sexual confedence this is probably caused by the way she is viewing her self. or the way she views her own sexual performance or could be realted to past experiances or relastionships
2)alot of women and men after a certain amount of time just take there partner for granted, knowing you have somone there and they will stand by you no matter what can really effect things, people can become overly secure. and this means they feel they dont have to do anything to keep the relastionship alive and fresh, but realisticlly this is not the case. a relastionship is like a garden and for things to keep on growing the garden has to be nurchered. needs to be watered and looked after with alot of time, effort love and care.
3) she is resenting you or there is somthing you do which she doesnt like and is effecting the way she feels about you, but rather then just spitting it out, she is keeping it to her self, open comunication is the key and some people just dont get that.
how you go about working out what it is, or how to go about fixing it is a difficult one, its somthing im still learning myself...
but one thing i would say is you cant change somone they can only want to change them selves, and if she is quite happy for things not to change even if it makes you feel as unhappy as you are feeling then im sorry but nothing can be done and you have to walk away.
so firstly you need to get the open comunication going.
you need to astablish how much you really do mean to her
you then need to astablish if she is totally happy with the lack of physical attention and if there is anything she would like to change in the relastionship.
then you need to explain carmly and carful how you feel,
about her and the relastionstionship and the way things are going. you need to explain you are not pointing fingers, or trying to make her feel bad in anyway, but this is the way you feel and why. and explain you have the right to have your feelings, and you have the right yo express them also,
if at this point she kicks of (argument starting)
you need to carlmly say, well the way i see it untill we are able to have a sivilased conversation about this i cant see how we can move forward.. when you are able to be sivilased and talk about this i will be in the other room,
and try and work out if there is a way forward from there...
trust me my girlfriend i love to bits... she has got so many issues its unbelivable, and on top of that she's the type of person who is quiet selfish and thoughtless at times.
very garded stuburn ext. ext. shes had one hell of a hard life.
so talking to somone like her is very difficult, but not impossible. what im trying to say is,
you can get thru to her and talk to her without arguments you just have to find the right way to approach her..
but finding that way can take some time. and its all down to how much your opionons and feelings matter to her.
its could be just the case she dont give a dam, although im shore its not that..
last peice of advice got to relastionship counciling/coaching it really does work and help, and even if you only go a couple of times it does get the ball rolling...
sorry for any bad grammer or spellings, im a bit dyslexic
i hope this has helped,
and you find a way forward..
oh p.s. be totally honest with her, ie most people dont tell the full story you need to, if its reaching the point you are going to end up splitting with her, then tell her,
if its reaching the point your pulling you hair out, tell her
people tend to only tell part of what they are feeling,
really you need to always let somone know exactly where you stand...
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): hi there im the same as your gf. Ive been with my partner two years and our sex life was great untill i got pregnant and since then my se drive has gone. I love him and would rather have cuddles and spend time with him than have sex with him. Im still attracted to him but since ive had my son my body changed and i feel im not the the same person i was.
If your gf has real body issues i hope you dont look at other women as that what my partner does. I catch him looking at women, i catch him watching porn and it makes me feel even worse about myself. he tells me he loves my body but i dont believe him. Help your gf with her body issues because if she feels good with herself then you will notice your sexual relationship will soon start to get back on track.
I hope things work out ok
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A
male
reader, Karlos Omnis +, writes (31 October 2007):
 Does she have any past trust issues surrounding sex?
You mention that she was married once before, was the marriage really sour (i.e. more blood on her partner's hands rather than her own) or was it mutual?
You may find that she has some hang ups now as once she hit a certain stage previously, her faith began to get crushed.
I have the exact same problem with my girlfriend, it's like someone has flipped a switch on her. One week she was all over, the next she has absolutely no desire for sex anymore.
As far as I understand (and the most frustrating thing my guess is probably better than hers as she does not know what causes it, so you have to be prepared for your partner to be similar) is that it is caused by jerk ex-boyfriends, she's had a few cheats, a few only interested in getting their leg over, and one that has crushed her confidence for such a period of time that she is only just managing to rebuild her self-confidence now. She too mentions things like she is unhappy with her body, so I can see similarities there too.
What we're attempting now, and it seems to be working, is the abstinence approach. Going back to how it was when we first started seeing each other, small things such as undressing each other all helps.
And you're going to have to accept that it won't happen as often as you want it, we're currently at once a month, and that's an improvement.
She has to rebuild her faith and self-confidence, and I think the same applies to your partner.
Your partner may also have Vagisimus, a tightening of the vagina (involuntary) because of psychological issues.
Sit down and talk to her in a way that doesn't suggest that you want your leg over in the next half hour, and see if you can find the route, but don't expect an overnight solution.
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