A
female
age
30-35,
*rwho
writes:I dont feel hurt by her actions, just disappointed that shes lieing to my face and not telling the whole truth.I told my girlfriend that if she had contact with her ex it would break us up and its not that i cant or dont trust her its how he behaves. He will obssess over her and with in a month be back to saying he loves her and i just know she wont tell him to back off or that hes over stepping hers and my boundaries.I found out last week she was speaking to him but i kept quiet about it because i wanted to know if she would tell me herself and when we seen each other she told me but told some lies with it. She told me she spoke to him and i understood as she was feeling depressed and it seemed i couldnt help her so rather than she hurt herself im glad she spoke to someone i just wish it could have been me.I told her i understood and i wasnt mad but i also told her that i cant be okay with her speaking to him because it causes me anxiety mostly because i know shes still lieing. She told me that she told him about me and he apparently told her to work it out with me and that because he knows shes with me he would never over step those boundaries. But i know shes lieing and as far as he knows im nothing more than a friend, she tells him about trips we went away together on and will say she went there with 'her friend' and that kills me because we are a same sex couple and the last time she was speaking to guy from Uni and kept refferring to me as her friend he over stepped boundaries because he thought she wasnt with anyone and it effected our relationship.If i tried maybe i could accept it, if i knew that he knew of me and if i spoke to him myself because to be honest i dont think either of those guys are that bad or would push the boundaries, its my girlfriend and her lies that im nothing more than her friend considering we have spent the last year together as a couple, she lies to my face about it and sitting there knowing they are lies hurts but i pretend it doesnt.I told her id prefer if she didnt speak with him anymore because i wouldnt be comfortable with it and she said she would stop because she doesnt want me to feel that way but i checked this morning and as soon as i fell asleep she went on her other Facebook profile and started speaking to him, thats actually what i wanted to know if she would do.Our relationship is great, we have the misunderstandings etc but when we're together it feels amazing and im so in love with her, we have a healthy sex life, the only thing id change is the amount of time we have together. But now its not only is she lieing to everyone else about us but shes now lieing to me too about this and all its going to do is make me no longer trust her and thats why i said to her before all of this if she had contact with him it would break us up.She wants us to move in together after this Uni year, what is she going to do then? Wait till im asleep upstairs then turn on her computer and speak to him?I can respect she cant come out to her family because they dont approve and that is what limits our time together but the least she could say to her ex or anybody for that matter is say that shes involved with someone, its just disappointing to see that she would continue speaking to him regardless of how i feel and that she would lie to me.I mean she has some bad qualities and doesnt recognise some of what i do for her but shes a good girlfriend and been with her makes me happy and talking to these guys could be innocent but its the lies and going behind my back that makes her look guilty. Do i trust her? Yes but that doesnt mean i have to accept lies or the disrespect that she does something i asked her not too as ive never continued contact with someone that made her uncomfortable or had contact with an ex.Im going to ask her to see a movie tomorrow and possibily talk to her then about it, how do i approach this without causing an argument or hurting her? Maybe i can be okay with her talking to him but i have to see it with my own eyes that she told him about us and id like to speak to him too.
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male
reader, Boost +, writes (17 September 2013):
This reads very similar to the situation I have been in with my ex. Although it was a friend of mine she was seeing and talking to and then started getting spotted being out with all behind my back. Now I have no problem with ex's being friends or g/fs having male friends, what I personally have a problem with is when it becomes extremely secretive and done behind my back. As far as I'm concerned if there's nothing to hide why hide it. If it looks like a duck it's a duck. Sounds like a massive read flag to me. I would speak about it truthfully and say that it's unacceptable if she has to sneak behind your back. Actions speak far louder than words. Good luck
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (16 September 2013):
Unfortunately you've already talked about it and she clearly doesn't want to stop talking to him. What else is there to say?
No amount of snooping will prevent it; she has to want to stop talking to him or its just not going to happen.
In my opinion you're right, it's more about the lying than the talking. However she's lying because she feels she has to. If you allow her to talk with him she'll probably stop lying. You claim that her talking with him is disrespectful to you, but she could claim that you are disrespecting her wishes by trying to tell her what to do.
Sometimes you have to either accept things like this or choose to end the relationship, because no amount of talking or fighting will make your girlfriend stop talking to this guy, because she probably doesn't think she's doing anything wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2013): OP, I was on the place of your gf. My ex was very loving but I had no interest in him. My bf was extremely violent this is how things ended up:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-there--ever-an-instance-when-abuse.html
He also posted here on dear cupid and was advised to break up with me or try to figure it out. I gave him access to everything, yet he was still abusive and aggressive.
So please OP either let her go, if you cannot trust her...if she ks willing to put in effort to move on and make you feel more secure, you can pit in effort to put this behind you
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 September 2013):
 I don't think it's cruel in the slightest to expect that an ex isn't a part of your partner's life unless there's a child and decisions must be made for the good of that child.
Your problem is that your wishes don't have teeth. You told her up front that if she had contact with her ex, that it would break you up. She still has contact with him, and not just civil indifferent contact, it's secret, disloyal, he's pressing his feelings back onto her, and she's not telling him to knock it off, nor is she standing up for the two of you as a couple.
I'm going to say this right now and right here. Just because he was a guy and you're a girl has nothing to do with the legitimacy of you demanding that your girlfriend be faithful to you. It isn't any less disloyal that she keeps an ex-boyfriend close. A partner is a partner.
When people break up, it's the end of the relationship. She shouldn't get to stroke her ego with the guy. Don't fall for the lie that he fulfills needs you can't just because he's a guy. Bisexual doesn't mean you have to have two people. It means your love and attraction is with either gender. However, the rules of monogamy and relationships are the same.
The final nail for me would have been her referring to you as a "friend". Why invest so much into her if she disavows you? That makes me think that this guy is still in her life as much more than a friend and you're getting played.
Break up with her. She doesn't respect you, nor does she care how her actions hurt you.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (16 September 2013):
 Well, firstly, don't talk to her about it while you're in the movie theater! Other patrons won't appreciate it! - But I'm sure you're probably not planning to discuss it at that precise moment.......
Having said that, she obviously wants to have her cake and eat it, as the saying goes. Sure she TELLS you about her friendship with this man, and makes it all SEEM innocent, but the fact that she's going behind your back, indicates there is more to it.
I think if you want to resolve this situation, you have no choice but to confront her and tell her that you know for a fact that she's going behind your back, and you can't trust her because you know she's lying to you and others.
It will result in a huge row, and possibly you and she will break up because it. Are you prepared for such an outcome?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2013): I think it's a bit cruel to cut people off completely but she needs to explain that whilst she appreciates remaining friends with her ex, part of that friendship is about understanding and respecting how a new partner feels. If he knows about you, he shouldnt push for more than she can give. My guess is she either enjoys his attentions and leads him on,or uses him as a smoke screen to cover your relationship, or else values his friendship and is secretive because she thinks she is protecting you. I have friends who I have not nor will ever want a relationship with, but I find it easier to keep quiet to my husband if I have spoken to them. If she is seeking attention from him and he is in the dark about you then it isnt really fair on him either. Maybe she wants a foot in both camps whilst shemakes sense of her sexuality. DONT get a place together until this has been resolved. It is time for her to be completely honest. Good luck.
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