A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 25 years old and I work in ems/fire. I've been having troubles with my girlfriend recently. I feel like she is becoming very controlling due to the fact she doesn't even live with me but yet gets mad when I have friends over or my dad and brother and we have a couple beers together. After I get off 24 or 48 hour shifts with no sleep she gets mad if I want to sleep or a day to myself to recuperate. Also she has become very self centered in feeling and refuses to apologize for anything. For example the other day I got off a 24 and told her myself I was going to surprise her the next day, rose petals everywhere, candles, nice crockpot dinner and lots more but then she isn't even thankful or grateful she just stays mad at me the whole night because I "didn't do it earlier in the day, I wasted half the day getting everything ready". Is this relationship even salvageable? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 December 2016):
 I know a couple that broke up because the guy was doing night shift and she was getting annoyed at him for sleeping during the day. I feel it is great that you are a hard worker and well done for that, but she is obviously not understanding. Some girls will be and some won't be. It seems she does not have the patience to be with someone who does long hard hours.
Have you spoke to her about this? Do you spend quality time with her or do you put your friends and family before her? It does sound like she is not capable off being in a relationship with you as she is wanting and needing more. You done such a lovely thing for her and she found fault in it, does she do anything for you?
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (4 December 2016):
 This is a problem near and dear to my heart. Having worked in the same field as you for a decade and counting I can tell you that your schedule will be a recurring obstacle to relationships. It is NOT your fault. It's not really your girlfriend's fault either, at least initially. People who have not worked 24 or 48 (or 72 or 96+...) hours straight simply do not understand the toll that takes on a person, even if it is a "slow" or uneventful shift. Yes, we get sleep here and there, but every moment of our time from sleeping to cooking to showering to a phone call home is subject to instant interruption, and that in itself is a stressor most people never experience.
That said, what makes someone a good partner for people like us is their willingness to try and BE understanding of something they have not personally experienced and never will, and to accept that being with someone in the emergency services will bring stress to their lives too because their partner may be away half the time, and will often come home tired and stressed. The kindness and flexibility it takes to make things work is something a prospective partner either has or doesn't. Your girlfriend may not have known when you started dating, but is by now well aware of what reality is for you - long stressful hours at work followed by exhaustion and the need to rest and relax, sometimes alone. She's already showing and telling you with her outbursts that she's not emotionally willing or able to handle this situation, and you haven't even brought cohabitation, marriage or children into the equation yet. If you are considering her as a long-term partner, think twice; she is already demonstrating that she isn't a good fit for you. You have explained the situation, and she isn't willing to try and put herself in your shoes. Expect more fights and tantrums over this for as long as you are able to tolerate them (hint: the sooner you end things, the sooner you're free to look for someone who doesn't act like this).
As you progress in the emergency services you will see many of your coworkers struggle with failing relationships and even marriages for many of the same reasons. Don't be afraid to ask your coworkers with strong marriages for advice on how they have made things work over the years. Speaking from personal experience as well as from the experiences of my friends and coworkers in the fire service, you may also have better luck finding a partner who is understanding of your schedule if you seek out prospective partners who have experienced (current or former) shift work themselves, be it fire, EMS, dispatching, nursing or medical assisting, law enforcement, and so on. Being apart is always going to cause stress, especially if one or both of you is going through a tough time with a major life, health or family event, but it works a lot better when the other person doesn't blame you personally for the schedule that you happen to work, or feel justified in taking their frustrations with your schedule out on you.
I hope this helps you. Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 December 2016):
 Sounds like she doesn't really understand your job or gives a rat's ass about you.
I understand that it can suck that your BF just worked 24-46 hours and he's too busy with that to see you, and then he wants to SLEEP when he gets off a double/triple/whatever shift.
Do you prioritize spending time with your brother and dad over her? Or is this having a been with them rare? Is she invited or just "the boys"?
What does she do for you?
What do YOU get out of the relationship?
Think about it and then maybe the answer to what you should do will be pretty obvious.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 December 2016):
 She's completely taken you for granted and thinks that she can rule over you whichever way she wants because you're putting up with her nonsense without any protests.
While your gesture to make her feel good with the rose petals and the candles and the lovely dinner was certainly very nice, there was no need for you to pamper her this much for no reason. Not only does she not deserve it, she also doesn't appreciate it. She's seen that you are submissive and enjoys putting you down even more for no good reason other than the fact that she's cranky and frustrated and just plain mean.
If I were you, I wouldn't put up with this a moment longer.
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