A
male
age
51-59,
*ildgift
writes:My girlfriend is upset that my ex-girlfriend of over 15 years ago is in contact with me. In the past five years or so, she's called me between 5 and 10 times (when she got a cell phone).I have no feelings for this ex, beyond "hey, how's it going?", and I don't call her up. Recently, though, this ex invited me to an event to hang out with the ex's friends and acquaintances, and I think to check out my current girlfriend. Maybe she wants to show off her new circle of cool friends since she got her shit together. I don't know, nor do I care.The trouble started when my girlfriend also got an invite, from a different source. I thought, "Okay, well this could be tense," so I told her that my ex-girlfriend was organizing something at this event. I also said I should contact this ex to inform her. (Mainly, I wanted to give her a heads-up and tell her that I'm on a date, so, don't bug us. I'm also just generally tense about this kind of meetup situation, and have avoided conflicts.)Girlfriend got pissed off, and accused me of caring more for my ex than for her. Hollering and pleading ensued. The night was ruined.Now, several weeks later, she wants me to cut off all communication with this ex. She asked me what I'd do if the ex called. I said, "I guess I'd talk to her." Girlfriend wants me to ask her to not call again.Should I do that?I feel like I'm being ordered around.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2007): Hun, you just stated that "Keeping up a cordial relation with an ex is a value that "I've" always assumed" That is your own personal value. I was referring to relationship values. You are now in a serious love relationship where your actions are clearly hurting someone who loves you. When I talked of values in my posting, I was referring to a couple's mutual and agreed upon beliefs/responsible behaviors/attitudes/actions that must enhance and benefit their love relationship with each other. These type of values infuse trust and acceptance and these values must be something you and your current gf, do together. You both love each other and hold each other up, building, promoting a sense of confidence and faithfulness in each other. She has asked you to stop contacting the ex, as it makes her feel unsafe and off balance in this relationship. You gf has spoken, dear..she is setting a boundary here and letting you know what she will and will not tolerate. I hope you both can communicate lovingly, maturely and openly about this issue. I wish you both well. Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (9 September 2007):
 You need to ditch the ex and stop having contact with her. Your g/f will never feel like she can trust you until you cut this tie. You may feel like you're being ordered around, but she feels like you're keeping your ex on a string "just in case" and that's not a feeling you can build a new relationship on. Cut the ties. Stop calling the ex, stop accepting her phone calls, her e-mails, her text messages and perhaps she'll get the hint. Or you could be a man, and simply tell her straight up to get lost. It's a game to her anyhow and she is enjoying the problems she is causing. It will eventually destroy every relationship you have with any potential women in the future. You can't have both. You either live in the here and now with the woman you are seeing or you are living in the past, hanging onto the hope that you're ex will want you back. Make up your mind and stop letting your ex play games with your life.
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A
male
reader, wildgift +, writes (9 September 2007):
wildgift is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK, the relationship just got very rocky. But, I still hold out hope that love will conquer all. I really appreciate this advice. It's getting through my stubborn head.It really does boil down to values - as Irish49 said. I do not want to battle over this.The really weird thing is, keeping up a cordial relation with an ex is a value that I've always assumed. Yet, I don't really see it in effect that much among people I know. Some exes want to hook it up again, and others give the cold shoulder, but few just want to be normal and polite.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): Your girlfriend feels very vulnerable and unsettled by the fact that your ex is calling you - and this is completely normal. Imagine it the other way around - wouldn't you be questioning why her ex was making contact? I think you should make it very clear to the ex that you are with someone and have no intention of meeting up with her - unless you bump into her by accident, but you certainly shouldn't be arranging to see her at all. Why on earth is she calling you when she knows you are with someone else? It's time for this little trouble maker to move on, she is upsetting your current relationship and you need to cut her out of your life for once and for all. Best of luck X
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): Off course you ditch the ex gf for good and stop turning this into a clash of wills. That's just plain petty, childish and very hurtful to your gf, not to mention the integrity of your relationship with her. No ex gf that you say 'you have no feelings for' is worth the tremendous pain/angst/emotional work out this is causing your gf or the wedge that will blow up this relationship. When people get into love relationships, they love each other enough not to cause pain to the other. Your gf was vulnerable, open and truthful...she told you that your contact with your ex gf, causes her deep hurt. So stop it and realize it's a respect issue. Your gf is holding you to a higher standard of respect for her and this relationship. It is not uncommon for some people to expect their loved one, to cut contact with exes and move ahead with them into the future. I think if you want to make this issue a major battle in your relationship, you both need to take a hard look at the differences you both have in the values you hold. If you can't handle making sacrifices for her and want to prove a stupid point...then this issue will eventually cause you heartache and pain and greatly affect you and your gf's happiness in this relationship. And the crazy the thing is...it's all so unecessary. Tell your ex gf not to call again and put all this out of your mind and move on.
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A
male
reader, wildgift +, writes (8 September 2007):
wildgift is verified as being by the original poster of the questionafr, thank you very much for the words, and perspective. I do have a problem knowing the right thing to say!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): Well, if you do not care for the ex, like you claim, don't answer her calls. Why is she calling you anyways? To show off that she's got money now or something? She should go get a life, you don't need this drama and sh*t from your current g.f. over an ex of 15 yrs. ago, who you could give a crap less about. Why on earth would you tell your g.f. that you'd talk to the ex if she called? You must not know what your woman wants to hear. I can see why she's mad, and if you feel you're being ordered around, it may be the case, but in this case it is very appropriate because you should not be talking to this ex anyways! Just tell her next time she calls that you wish her well, and appreciate that she's though of you over the years, but her calling is causing problems in your current relationship. Leave it at that. If she knows you're with someone she shouldn't be calling you anyways..what has she got to proove?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): It should be your decision and since when talking with an ex is forbidden[.] Moreover, you don't talk of your ex with admiration, on the contrary saying "she wants to show off her new circle of cool friends" so it's very little probable her presence really makes a difference. Why ruin a night over discussions about this ex whose intentions "I don't know, nor do I care." Seems like too much fire for nothing. It's been 15 years though, and your partner feels a bit threatened. Just talk to her, reassure her... but at the same time try and teach her also that she's got to trust you.
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