A
female
age
41-50,
*antsie
writes:I'm sorry this is long, but I think you need the background to answer the questions at the end. I have been with my partner just over 3 and a half years. We've lived together for 3 years. Two years ago I discovered I could have a genetic defect that caused cancer of the bowel. Within 5 months I was told I had the defect, was being screened and having my small intestine out. I thought I could deal with it with no professional help. 4 months to recover for the operation, then a holiday with him and his brother/sister in law. Over the last 8/9 months I became more withdrawn, and horrible to live with, but was unable to see it and the reason for it. A month ago I finally started to come through the darkness. I hadn't fully realised the impact my behaviour had had on my partner. Then he mentioned 2 weeks ago how he had walked a woman to a taxi from his usual darts night out. This woke me up, I could lose him. Then we went to his mates wedding and I had been brooding on this woman and the fact I felt threatened. I started a row, Difference this time, He finished it. We've talked since and I've asked him to consider giving it a try if I go off and give him space. He says no, but his behaviour doesn't back that up and I really don't think he sees that.I went into the pub on his darts night and he was talking with this woman, he didn't look guilty. We went home and talked, he says he only sees her as a friend, and it is a relief to have someone to talk to with no pressure. I believe him. Now I know he has her number and I knew he would see her last night at his darts night. If I ask him he tells me what they talk about in relation to us. He hasn't told anyone we've split up completely, (apart from a mutual friend, but he knows I told her already), just that we are having a bad time, or splitting up. Does he really see this woman (Claire) as a friend, a person to talk to as he is unable to talk with me about this situation, or am I being gullible? Also he has continued to give me a few cuddles and kisses after we agreed to have no contact as we are now in seperate rooms until I find somewhere new to live.I have now started counseling for what I've been through in the past year and he says he sees the old me coming back through. He also says he still loves me but his gut instinct is telling him he doesn't want the relationship anymore. A mutual friend has seen him last night and he said it wasn't to bad at home and we weren't getting on to bad, then she said in the next breath saying its over! Her comment was it was like jekyll and hyde and she thinks he's lost the plot, something his sister in law believes as well.Have I got unrealistic hope that he is just very confused, hurt and angry and needs time, or is it really to late?If it's not too late, what can I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): Well, if he wanted to be with you, he would. He would have been patient and realized that it was you going through rough times that made you hard to live with, if you even were. You might just be putting this all on yourself and be blaming yourself. I did that with my last b.f. b/c we fought constantly, but now that I'm with a guy who I'm 100% compatible with, I know it wasn't me b/c we never ever fight and I am always pleasant to him. Him saying to your mutual friend that it's going o.k. at home and you are getting along o.k. doesn't mean he wants to be with you, it means that you're not fighting constantly..but he also said it was over in the same breath, so I am thinking he wants to move on. As far as the friend Claire, it could just be a friend..if you aren't together I don't see why he'd lie about it. He may just not be telling anyone that you split b/c he doesn't want drama, most men try to avoid it. He may want to hurt you as little as possible seeing that you've just been through a lot so he may be waiting until you move out to tell people you split. I'm sure he assumes if people started asking you about the split b/c he told them, it would add stress to your life and with all you're going through he may just be being cautious of your feelings, and want to avoid negative feelings toward eachother while you're still living together. Him breaking up with you because you talked badly about a woman at her wedding, to me, was just an excuse for him to end it. A lot of women do that and their boyfriends or husbands just roll their eyes and ignore it. I know I've done it before and my boyfriend usually agrees with me. I really think that from what you've said here, he does want to move on, and I hope you can move on and start feeling better about yourself.
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