A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello. My girlfriend and I are very much in love. We've been dating for about 2 years. We agree that we'd do almost anything for eachother, or give our lives for eachother and everything. I have one complaint though, her "best friend". There is a girl she considers her "best friend" but she really shouldn't. I don't know if you know what role-playing is (and not the kinky kind). Basically it's where you pick some sort of game or show, pretend you are the characters, and make your own adventures. Sounds okay right? No, see that is the ONLY thing they do. My girlfriend has a COMPLETE obsession with it. That's the ONLY thing she EVER wants to do with ANYONE. Her friend has the same obsession. It seriously is to the point where they will ignore their other friends and EVEN ME, just so they can go role-play. Not to mention, her friend is a HORRRIBLE person! She never bathes, she steals alot, she lies alot, she's kind of a freak, and the worst part: she has a porn obsession. Not a NORMAL porn obsession, but things like bondage, beastiality, incest, and things like that. I'm talking obsession to the point of if she isn't RPing, she's looking that up, and if she can't look it up, she DRAWS IT! She put her sister in counseling because her sister found it and was MORTIFIED! But does my gf aknowledge this? No. She knows, but pays no attention to it because if she did, she wouldn't be able to RP. You can see how this is a problem. I should also mention that her friend gets irritated whenerver she DOES spend time with me. I'm starting to think her friend might actually have a thing for her. And when you think of how weird her friend is, I don't think liking another girl is out of the question. I've tried, but whenever I try to say something about her friend, she gets angry. So please I need advice on how I can gether away from her "friend" or make her realize how bad her friend is. And also, if I could have some help on how to lessen the obsession with RP (seeing as that's one of the ONLY things she EVER wants to do with me as well. Which would be fun if it wasn't ALL THE TIME.) that would be VERY helpful.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (26 November 2011):
 Unfortunately, you can't pick and choose your girlfriend's friends. You just deal with them because they're a part of her life.
Of course talking to her about her friend is out of the question, because she doesn't see her like you do. She sees whatever good qualities her best friend has and ignores the bad ones. So talking is a lost cause, it will only make her made even further. Plus, it looks controlling if you try to talk her out of the friendship.
This role playing game sounds incredibly juvenile if your girlfriend is your age range. How old is she? Is she always playing this game with her best friend that she is neglecting time for you?? If this is the real problem then you need to set down your girlfriend and point out her obsession is cutting into your relationship.
If breaking up isn't an option, then you need to do your best to ignore her best friend. Specify to your girlfriend that you need alone time with her (however much) each week, then she can use her other time to spend with her friend. See what she says.
Don't try to make her choose between you and her best friend.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2011): I'm sorry to say this but there really isn't anything you can do to change another person who doesn't want to be changed. All you can do is to try to maximize the chance that she will want to change by giving her all the information that you have on the situation....and this won't happen by you actively trying to push her to change. When people sense that you're trying to change them and disapproving of what they're doing (or if you're blatantly going about it), they tend to dig in their heels more and fight against you. You should instead gently inform her of your opinions on the matter, and why you are concerned, and how you feel about it, but at the same time respect her right to acknowledge what you're saying but to not change herself drastically to make you happier. that is really all you can do. Maybe your girlfriend will eventually decide for herself that her friend isn't a good person to be hanging around with. But that realization has to come on her own, and you have to ask yourself what you will do if that never happens. You could influence her to some degree by telling her of your observations and your concern. But don't expect that you can "make her see the light."I didn't like a group of friends of my husbands' because at first I was in that circle of friends too so I knew what they were like, and I got out of that group. but he continued to be in that circle, getting influenced by them in unhealthy ways, and was blind to my reasons for leaving them. I didn't say anything to him about it past my initial opinions because he would get angry if I ever criticized them. and yes it did drive a wedge between us and almost broke our marriage. Actually it did break our marriage even though we stayed married, I often thought I made a big mistake by not leaving him...we're still recovering from that now... eventually, about 6 years later, he finally saw the light for himself and he broke free from them too. He said he finally realized that I was right all along. But this didn't come from me harping on the subject nonstop. Indeed, I hadn't said a word about it for years instead I dealt with my anxiety and upset on my own. I still think that if I had tried to make him stop seeing his friends it doesn't mean he would have "seen the light" sooner than 6 years instead it might have made him be more adamant about there being nothing wrong with them. Or it could have caused even more problems in our relationship than what we already had as a result of them. the bottom line is that besides communicating your perspective to the other person, you can't actively make them choose to see things your way. They can be very aware of your point of view, while still disagreeing with you. and if you're going to continue a relationship you have to accept that and decide what you will do, for yourself, if that is the case. Also, have you considered that maybe she's not the one with the problem, you are? I mean, you can't deal with her friend, but she can. It's her friend, not yours. So maybe you would feel better about the whole situation if you could change your perspective. I understand that you're concerned about your girlfriend's obsession and her associations with this friend. But even though you should communicate to your gf that you're bothered by this, ultimately maybe your concern is your problem to deal with.
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