A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this woman for 3 years, and I love everything about her very much. All except one thing, she has an extremely low sex-drive. Where I would be content with 1-2 times a week at LEAST, we're currently having sex every 6-7 weeks, and when we do she acts like it's just a chore to be done. Otherwise she gets mad at me "always begging for sex" when I just feel like my needs are being ignored. Most advice people give me is to break up with her, but I really don't want to do that. I enjoy her company more than anyone I've ever met, she's perfect in every other way. But the lack of sex is really starting to get me rather depressed.This especially bothers me, because we took a month and a half long break about a year ago, during which she dated a guy and had sex with him "more times than she could count". I mean, that makes me feel unbelievably inadequate. I've given her all the love in the world, and have to beg her for sex that isn't even rewarding because I know she doesn't want it. She just has no desire to have sex with me. And it seems to be especially ME in particular.I want to talk to her about it, and tell her that it's genuinely making me feel really bad about myself. But she just gets mad at me for either bringing up her ex, pestering her for sex "all the time", or making her feel obligated to have sex when she doesn't want to. So I just don't bring it up, because pissing her off doesn't make anything better. She acts like sex is a privilege, and I should be glad with whatever I get and not bother her otherwise. I need a subtle way of making her realize how bad she's hurting me, because I have needs that are hardly being fulfilled whatsoever. I desperately want to save the relationship, but I don't know how much more I can take of her getting mad at me for telling her that I feel neglected.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): You're dating. RUN, don't walk away from her. If you aren't sexually compatible and your needs aren't being met and she ignores you and berates you for "begging", get out of the relationship now. It will only get worse and you will only be more miserable.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012): Some people are not really into sex. I am currently experiencing the same thing with my new bf. We have sex once a week when I really would like it 3-4 times/week. And apparently he used to be a jackrabbit when he was in his early 20s and had probably hundreds of partners, which you can imagine how that makes me feel. But once every 6-7 weeks, that's wayyyy off! Something's wrong. She's either stringing you along or she's got some health issue but if she's been with another guy and had no problem, I would lean towards option #1. If you expressed the fact that you are not satisfied sexually and she doesn't really care and still behaves as if it was a chore, then she probably doesn't care about your happiness. People tend to take things for granted. I suggest you take some distance from her and see how she reacts.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2012): "Sometimes a man can make a great partner, so women stay with them (let me guess, you are faithful and a great provider) but, they aren't attracted to them."
Yes, this is called using someone for their money.
If she was honest about her feelings that would be a different story. But she obviously has not been.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2012): well, don't think too much about the guy she has casual sex with, when something is new, its exciting so all that sex is not a surprise nor a reflection on you.
That said, it does sound like she is not all that into this relationship. Sometimes a man can make a great partner, so women stay with them (let me guess, you are faithful and a great provider) but, they aren't attracted to them.
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A
female
reader, mollypop  +, writes (13 May 2012):
 i have been the one with the low sex drive in the relationship. I actually just ended a almost 4 year relationship because as much as i loved the other person I had no desire for them in 'that way'.
I think that you need to have a think about if this is how you want to live for the rest.o of your life. Its not a life that i would wish on anyone having lived it. Its not just about 'sex', you have a complete lack of intimacy in your relationship. I personally think that you should get outa there as quickly as possible. You are worth more than that!!! There is someone out there that will treat you as well as you treat them which isnt happening in your current relationship. How can your current partner be happy with that sort of lifestlye either??? Is she financially dependant on you?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012): Something doesn't add up here... Are you truly being honest with us and yourself??
It sounds like you are a great guy. Even a bit of a romantic. Someone who tries to focus on the positive while convincing themselves the girl is perfect. She isn't. There must be other issues here.
Is she critical of you. Does she reject you in many ways. She isn't truly as perfect as your trying to tell yourself, is she???
You truly need to stp back and see this situation for what it is. Time to face the music. This situation isn't sustainable long term.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 May 2012):
 "Been there; done that"..... The only "alternatives" are two:
1. Decide to continue living your life in (sexual) frustration... until you DO burst and get away from her, or,
2. Decide, now, that your only alternative to leaving her now is to opt for alternative 1, above, and await the burst...
You are in a no-win situation... so why not not win sooner rather than later?????
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (12 May 2012):
You need to talk to her about this and express it the exact same way you did to us. If she still doesn't seem it to be important then I don;t think she loves you at all and this relationship that the two of you have would not seem like a relationship to me.
Have you been doing the right things though? Taking her out? Making her feel special? Before a girl sleeps with you, she wants to feel close to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012): I suspect the story of loads of sex with this ex is fantasy. But anyway, I would tell her that sex is important to you and if it can not be an important part of your relationship then there is no future for you. She is using sex as a bargaining tool and it shouldn't be like that. There is nothing wrong in wanting a full relationship with someone you love, so don't feel unreasonable wanting just that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012): dump her, you got short end of deal here hun
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (12 May 2012):
 Something don't sound right about this!!
How is she with you in other ways?
Do you argue a lot?
Does she tell you she's happy and does she treat you with respect in all other aspects?
She doesn't have a low sex drive...she just has a loathing of sex with you!! and accusing you of begging is downright mean and manipulative in my book.
I know you love this girl, but I think you need to take a step back and look at the whole picture.
If it is the sex alone that is causing the problem, then I fear it's going to become a much bigger issue as the years roll by and you are going to feel cheated!!
What about if you want to start a family?...what excuse is she going to come up with then?
It's time for talking...BIG TIME!!!
I think you should show her what you wrote here, because we are all here to back you up and tell you that how she is behaving with you, just isn't fair play.
Some men are even driven to cheating because their partners are so anti sex!!! and who can blame them.
fair enough if neither of you is bothered about getting jiggy!!! but one denying the other is cruel and she cannot expect you to stick around if she can't at least try and come to some compromise.
This is a biggie of a problem and one that's going to fester.
Man up and talk to her, because your feelings and wants matter just as much as hers and you seem like a decent guy who wants to work it out.
Let us know how it goes!!
Hugs x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012): Once in 6-7 weeks is basically none at all. It means she has no drive to sleep with you. It is going through the motions once in a while just to be able to say she is technically still doing it.
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (12 May 2012):
 I dont think she can have a low sex drive and then have casual sex *like no tommorow* with someone else.
Something doesnt add up there!
Either she doesnt fancy you or she is depressed.
You have to clearly communicate your feelings to her; because sex is essential for you (although it may seem irrelevant for her).
A good relationship is about being honest with one's feelings and being compatible in all ways.
goodluck!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (12 May 2012):
 Sounds like the problem is at least partially that she isn't enjoying sex. If sex isn't fun, she's not going to want it. Is she having regular orgasms easily? Meaning not just after an hour of work where you both just want to get it over with. It's not just frequency but ease. If she's not able to have easy orgasms (and many women just can't), you might want to consider getting a vibrator to use on her to speed the process up, or playing around with a removeable showerhead or something similar to show her that sex can be a lot more than just penetration (since that rarely results in an orgasm for women).
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 May 2012):
 I don't believe she has low sex drive and then jumped into casual sex and had more times than she could count. She could be exaggerating or even lying to piss you off and to let you know that the sex issue is not her problem but yours. If she couldn't care less about how you feel sexually she is not good companion at all, she is just a friend. I don't for a second suspect that you are in any way inadequate. I believe there are some men and women who divide people into relationship material and sex material and that it messes their heads up if the two mix together. In that case you are not compatible. She would be perfect to match with a man who does not need sex either. Yes I am telling you to break up with her.
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