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*onstansts0
writes: My girlfriend and I are both in love and have been together for about 1 year. We have a great connection and chemistry that everyone strives for. Yet, when issues arise like sharing payments, study places, getting on “her” computer, eating her food, and driving turns; basically little issues that would be regarded as normal and would get solved easier then others. She tends to get stuck up on problems like this and blows them into big ordeals. We both think that she is to blame because I never get overly bothered by small issues. Could you help examine the issue that we need to correct because we both want a stronger relationship, but need some advice with these small issues and how to get around them? Reply to this Question
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reader, constansts0 +, writes (9 October 2006):
constansts0 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for reading my concerns, I have already started to implement positive communication and things are getting better so far. Enjoy!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2006): The previous reader makes a good point about balance of power in your relationship. She may not be feeling respected or her feelings are being disregarded. But she should be telling you that, if that's the case. I could be way off here but I'm going to toss out another theory. You can take it or leave it..it's up to you. But another thing could be---your gf sounds like she not quite in line with the concept of 'sharing' a life with someone. Perhaps she's been an independent woman who has always did things for herself, before this. Sometimes when one has lived on their own for awhile..it takes time to get into that mode of sharing everything. Compromise is the key word to any successful relationship and learning to maturely and very, very carefully 'picking one's battles wisely'. It appears she may be the type of person who gets all worked up about things that, upon closer examination, are little problems that are getting blown way out of proportion. She is not alone..a lot of people are like this. They simply have forgotten about negotiation, understanding and compromise. Perhaps she just needs to be reminded nicely about what a healthy relationship is about and what you are expecting. It's very important for a couple to make 'expectations' clear and concise, right off the start. So I would communicate and let her know her actions and what she says are all about choices in how one behaves. She chooses to either make a big deal of something or simply let it go. Ask her to think about the consequences of the argument. Are they worth it? Chances are that it's not. Once she decide if it's worth bringing up, she should make sure the argument is going to solve something. Tell her not to nitpick just because she feels she's been challenged. Is it really a big deal? Both people in a relationship need to fully understand that one doesn't always have to have the last word, and often it takes the "bigger person" to simply let the conflict go. Does it matter who's really right or wrong? Just something to think about. Take care and I wish you both the best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2006): Sounds like these are not small issues to her, and you state that you both agree that she is to blame because you never get bothered by small issues. My suggestion is to stop blaming her for having issue with you getting on her computer, eating her food and taking turns being the one who drives, try to stay on track and work out a solution one by one to these little issues, because if she is blowing them out of proportion, she probably is struggling for a balance of power in your relationship, which sounds like you have more of it than she does, because her issues are so small in your opinion i.e not important enough for you to consider...if you have tried talking to her about them and you get no where, then you may be finding that you are incompatible which is a much deeper issue, find out more about the big issues and how you both match up on that, like how do you value money and the handling of money, what is your take on child rearing, who should do what in the household, how frequent will you have sex and so on...maybe it is unresolved larger issues that need to be addressed more forthrightly.
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