A
male
age
41-50,
*angerjoe
writes:Hello all,This background is going to be a little long, but I feel like I need to give enough detail before I ask my question at the end.My Girlfriend and I have been going out for over a year in a half, it will be two years in may 2011. Our relationship started off great, but now it's been really rocky for a while. She gets angry, very easily and very frequently which then causes fights. She always chalks it up to being tired or stressed out from work. When she starts to yell or get angry, she says that she's "venting." I have no problem listening, but her "venting" is borderline abusive to me. She also gets some major, major road rage, swears worse than me (and I was in the Army!). I don't know why it upsets me, but it does. Also, when she isn't "venting" (i.e. yelling for some reason) I feel like I'm walking on egg shells so I don't piss her off and start a fight. Also, if I forget to call her or don't pick up right away, she practically is accusing me of doing something bad (i.e. cheating). Also we've for the most part stopped having sex for about 4-6 months now.Some background on her, she's had quite a few boyfriends cheat on her in the past, and I have no doubt that this is why she accuses me of being untrustworthy. Also, when she was younger (late teens I believe) she was what can only be described as sexually assaulted/ raped (she performed oral sex on someone who she really didn't want to.) Also when she was slightly older (with a different guy) mid twenties I believe she had an abortion that she told only like 3 people about (including me) she never told her parents or never gotten any counseling for it. One time around Halloween of 2009, she did start going to see a therapist, after a really huge blow up that was in front of her parents, and began taking some sort of anti-depressants/hormones and it seemed to definitely help, even her co-workers noticed she seemed to have a generally better attitude. Then after a while she stopped going. The therapist had an emergency one day and had to cancel and then my girlfriend never rescheduled. I've since asked her to go back, but she tells me she felt like she could never talk about herself (she would always talk about other people and never herself directly) and that nothing seemed to change personality wise to her (which I disagree with). I understand she's had some pretty f'd up experiences and that might be part of the cause of her anger. I love her, more than anything in this world, but the constant yelling and fighting is starting to make me get touchy and angry too and then I take it out on my parents ( i live at home for now, job market hasn't been to kind to me the past year or so, she also lives with her parents for the same reasons).I think she might have some depression ( I was treated for it myself took a while for me to work through some things but I feel like I'm better and that I can notice the signs in others). I mention that to her sometimes when I ask her to go back to see a therapist/psychiatrist, that just seems to piss her right off. What should I do, should I leave? Should I stick with it more and try to ride it out? will I be able to ride it out or will it just not end until she gets help? She keeps saying things will change once I can find a job and move out and get an apartment for both of us to live in. But I honestly don't know.Help me...
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (24 January 2011):
 Buy her a boxing bag for her to vent to...
Will she change? Who knows, but from my dealings with volatile folk... no. She'll always be able to find something to justify her need to vent so even once you get a job and an apartment, her emotional/anger issues aren't just going to vanish into thin air... I think deep down you probably know that.
Personally I just don't trust people who say "I'll change, I'll change"... The people who do actually change for the better are the ones who don't need to bother convincing you that they'll change because not only are they're already working on changing, but they're doing it first and foremost for themselves- not you.
If you can't convince her to see a doctor/psych, well I dunno about you, but that's a pretty big red flag to me about her unwillingness to try to improve your relationship.
Just my 2 cents though.
Good-luck aye
A
male
reader, faenon +, writes (24 January 2011):
 Leave she sounds like a headcase with a troubled past she's placing you in the same sub standard as every dog who treated her wrong her reality isnt able to define the difference so her subconcious tells her if she acts like a bitch its preventing her from being hurt again which in turn tells anyone else with a brain if she still has hang ups over past experiences she isnt ready to move on and start dating again in the first place.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): While I do regret some of the things your GF has dealt with in life pal, in all honesty I find her very immature. She does indeed admit she has some issues and needs to get them fixed if she wishes to carry this relationship further as her subconscious past is haunting her here because she hasnt dealt with it properly and constructively. I think this woman needs a lot of support for her to go back from her friends, to you, and definitely her parents and any siblings. She needs confidence I believe and a belief. Good luck.
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