A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years now and we always a talk about getting a flat or something together and how great it would be to spend even more time together. However, when I bring up the idea of getting engaged in the near future (say in a couple of years) then getting married in the very distant future she always tries to avoid replying. She will say things like "oh I don't like to think that far ahead or marriage never crosses my mind." then recently I asked her if she thought we'd be together for a long time. And her reply was simply "I don't know." She has also been very distant the past few weeks with me. I haven't seen her in 3 weeks and when she had the chance to meet up she chose to go shopping on her own for the day instead. I can't imagine life without her, I know some people don't believe in soul mates and I'm not entirely one of those people either but if that was true then I know I've found mine. She is perfect for my in every way imaginable but I can't help but think that maybe she doesn't love me any more?Is it possible my girlfriend is considering leaving eventually? Does she perhaps only see us lasting a short time longer before one of us finds someone new or better? Could she be cheating on me?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 March 2013):
 my initial reaction is to base this on why I would be doing what she's doing to you... and that's because she knows you want more from your relationship that she does, and is trying to distance herself from you in hopes that you will get her message and do her dirty work and break up with her.
Now, I could be wrong as most of the younger folks I know are on a very different timetable than I was at your age...
It's possible she's not wanting to break up but just trying to get some space.
Sadly however I'm showing my double standard and must tell you if the roles were reversed and the young lady was posting the same exact stuff about her I would NOT be giving her the benefit of the doubt saying she's just not ready... if the roles were reversed I would be telling a young lady that her guy was just not as into her as she is into him and that by 3 years at your age he should know what he wants and if he's planning to marry you.
So to be non-biased.... yeah it's not looking good for you two for long term...
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (4 March 2013):
I think the reason your gf is being distant is because she feels pressured. She's obviously not ready for that kind of long term commitment yet (which has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how she views life at the moment). You keep quizzing her about these difficult subjects and she's probably starting to feel a bit suffocated.
If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's to never plan far ahead. Nothing, absolutely nothing ever went according to plan in my life. So I've stopped doing it and it's quite liberating. Just life in the 'now' and meet the future when you actually get there. Maybe you two will marry. Maybe you'll stay together until the last days of your lives. Maybe not. Don't plan for it; just let life play out.
All that said, if she seems indecisive about all aspects of her life (no ambition, etc.) then something is wrong. But if she simply doesn't want to make promises she's not sure she can keep (and at this stage of the relationship, there's no way you can be sure of the long term course) just leave her be. If you want an indication of future prospects, pay attention to how she's been as a gf overall: actions, not words and musings. Is she a good gf? Yes? Then you've got nothing to worry about.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): Hey, I’m a girl and have never thought about getting married to any bf! My 1st long-term bf (age 17-20) pushed the marriage idea so much that he came across as clingy, which was a total turn off and led me to finish with him. My next bf (from age 20-28) understood that I loved him, was committed to him and our future but that I don't believe in marriage but when all his mates started getting married he started putting pressure on me and talking about getting engaged every day (we lived together) and again, it turned me off and made me rethink our relationship and realise we were too different so I ended the relationship, and felt sad but relieved. My next (current) bf and I have been together for two years and he's piling on the pressure to move in together and talks about us getting engaged frequently. And guess what? It's bugging me!I want him to relax, enjoy the here and now and to back off with all the pressure. Maybe your gf is the same? Maybe she's trying to avoid you and the pressure and the potential arguments at the moment? I'd advise you to back off and do some thinking yourself about what you want.Can you be with your gf without plans for engagement etc? If not, perhaps a different girl is what you need? It may be a deal breaker issue for you and she might not realise this. Give her and yourself some space and time to think, and then talk it through with her.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (4 March 2013):
 Hi
I think the 3 weeks not seeing her then her deciding to go shopping instead of meeting you - is a warning she is stepping back and maybe reconsidering the whole relationship.
She wanted a devoted boyfriend but not one who wants 'happy ever after'. Now she has asserted her independance, she has removed herself from the pressure.
You think that after 3 years you want at least to know there IS a future,which is fair enough,she just wanted to coast along.If she is pulling back now then maybe your not THE one for happy ever after.
Perhaps you should *both* live a little,be single for a while, your both still so young.
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A
male
reader, fzald +, writes (4 March 2013):
Here's the thing. In my experience, and my observations, just about every girl dreams of being married, but when that finally might actually happen, they get apprehensive.Think about it this way. When you're in high school, for some people all you can think about is graduating and moving forward with life. But when that day actually comes - on graduation day, or the first day of college or whatever - you'll be very, very apprehensive, even though it's what you wanted.You've made your intentions clear - that you would like to be married. You have been going out 3 years and this is reasonable to discuss at this point. On the other hand, most girls just can't handle pressure well - even for something they want, like marriage.I'd say that since she knows you want marriage, the best thing for you to do now, if you still want to be with her, is to back off from the serious marriage discussions and make sure that your interactions with her are fun, light-hearted and enjoyable. Don't let her associate stress or pressure with you right now. Go with this for some time and see if she warms up towards you anymore.If after a significant time of doing everything you can to make your relationship fun, she still doesn't seem to have any interest in moving forward with you, then it'll be time for you to think things over and decide if you're willing to keep waiting or if it'd be better, even though it's hard, for you to move on.I can say all of this because I myself have had a very similar issue with my own girlfriend. The more I pressured her about "big" things (moving in together, possible marriage, etc.) the more she would get stressed out and would pull away and become distant. I know now though that she knows what my intentions are for our relationship, and I decided to just enjoy our time together and see how she reacts. She's dealing with things too - school, family issues, etc. - so the pressure of our relationship is probably a bit too much for her plate right now. But now that I've been making it a point to show her that there's still a good side to our relationship and our connection, she's starting to warm up more and we slowly are starting to be able to discuss serious matters again without all the stress and distance between us.Good luck!F
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): I don't know OP, based on what little info you've said I wouldn't jump to those conclusions.
About the marriage thing OP I think she was being genuine. She just hasn't factored that in any time soon and she quite simply isn't thinking that far ahead.
I'm mid 30's, getting married for the first time this summer. If you asked me a couple of years back about marriage I wouldn't have been able to tell you. At your age definitely not, I would have laughed in a person's face for asking about it.
The three weeks not seeing each other, being distant thing is strange but could be related to this. Maybe she feels you're on a different page and wants time to think.
Look don't assume the worst, you basically told her you want to settle down into marriage in the next couple of years. That changes everything. That's a huge step.
It doesn't mean she doesn't see a future with you, maybe she just doesn't look that far ahead and probably isn't ready to become a wife any time soon.
If I were you I'd take a big step back. You've talked about moving together, so go back to that stage and stop looking so far ahead. You now know she's nowhere near ready for marriage and maybe now she's starting to feel a bit of pressure because you seem so hell bent on it and are freaking out so much that she doesn't know.
OP let the marriage, being together forever thing go. Talk to her and ask why she's been so distant. Maybe you forced her into looking into a future she may not want, maybe marriage and kids is not in her life plan. You just don't know. You probably scared her a bit by asking those things, especially if she thinks you'll want her to commit to that right now.
Look drop it for now if you can. If you desperately need her to right now know she wants to be with you forever then you may force her to walk away altogether because on this issue you're on different pages and I can understand where's she's coming from. There is no way I would marry anyone in my 20's. now chance in hell I even thought I would ever get married. Didn't mean I didn't love people deeply, I just don't plan that far ahead.
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A
female
reader, Wildhorses +, writes (4 March 2013):
The red flags are in place, mate. If she cannot talj about or see a marriage in the future, that is a clear sign that things are not looking good. Not seeung you for 3 weeks? Warning!
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