A
male
age
36-40,
*70DLW
writes:I started dating my girlfriend back in 2010, and for me it became love at first sight. She felt the same and then we started the relationship and everything was perfect. I will admit, I was not the most emotional person and I tend to express my love by giving and providing ( this block was due to the way my ex-wife left me just out of the blue). So to speed up the story, she came to me this past December and told me that she did not know if she wanted to be in this relationship anymore. She said that she deserved to have someone in her life that was more affectionate and would love her the way that she deserved to be loved 100%. She said that she finally got to a point where she just closed her heart off to me. I love this woman and would do anything to make it right, so of course I let her know that I a willing to be that man and I'm sorry. She then told me that she needed some time to think and she would stay at her sisters house until she figured it out. A week goes by, and she tells me that she realized that she loved me and that she could not live without me, and will be coming back to me. So I had been thinking about marrying her for a few months before this occurred. I let her know that I planned to love her the way she needed to be loved for The rest of her life, and I know now more than ever that i wanted her to be my wife. She told me that she was not 100% back and felt that she needed to be in order for it to be natural and not something she has to think about. So here we are now and she is still telling me that she is soo In Love with me and I'm great man but she is still not a 100% and feel the same way. She said that she is nervous that it may not change and we will be waisting each others time. She then said that I believe in our relationship and she naturally wants to be in one with me, but she doesn't know why she feels this way. I then asked her if there was something I could do to make it better, and she responded with. You are now doing everything that I have always wanted you to do, but for some reason my thoughts have not changed. She said that it wasn't anyone else affecting her decision it is that she had become so fed up with how I was before.My girlfriend still hugs me, kiss me, and want sex from me. She still tells me that she loves me, but its painful to have that void of uncertainty about our future and post relationship status, Especially when I know all she ever wanted prior to this was for us to be married and have kids. So please help with what you think is going on with her and please offer suggestions on getting her back to where she was. Thanks
View related questions:
ex-wife, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (30 January 2013):
Make sure the woman you are going to marry is in love with YOU , and not in love with MARRIAGE.
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (30 January 2013):
 "she came to me this past December and told me that she did not know if she wanted to be in this relationship anymore"
Oh dear. This one is over. Maybe not right now but this one will end in time I'm afraid.
"She said that she deserved to have someone in her life that was more affectionate and would love her the way that she deserved to be loved 100%. She said that she finally got to a point where she just closed her heart off to me."
She deserves to have someone in her life who is more affectionate to HER? In other words she wants Mr Wimpy to do everything she wants, whenever she wants? And you said "hey, I'll be that guy!"?
Her heart is already closed to you buddy. She's cooled off and, yes, I imagine she has missed you after just a week apart. However, I can't help thinking she's has felt lonely more than missed you. She doesn't have someone around anymore.
Let me tell you something. When she told you she needed some time to think and she would stay at her sisters house until she figured it out what exactly was she trying to figure out?
If she wanted to be with you and loved you there'd be nothing to figure out. She wouldn't have questioned your relationship at all. If everything was right then she wouldn't doubt it.
"I let her know that I planned to love her the way she needed to be loved for The rest of her life, and I know now more than ever that i wanted her to be my wife."
Oh dear. Why are you willing to sacrifice everything for HER, what SHE wants, what SHE needs? WHat is she doing for you here? I tell you what is going on, she is not interested. She is not in love with you any more and keeping you there in case she doesn't find anyone better.
"She told me that she was not 100% back and felt that she needed to be in order for it to be natural and not something she has to think about."
What is there to think about? REALLY???! Grow a pair man and just leave this lady and go out date other girls and find one who likes you for YOU and wants to be with YOU. She is stringing you along.
"She is still telling me that she is so In love with me and I'm great man but she is still not a 100%"
Not 100%? Listen pal, if a woman is in love with a man and he's a great man she WOULD be 100% there. She's telling you one thing but her actions are showing you the opposite.
As for what R1 says, she hasn't a clue. Yes, you seem like a nice guy but you're bending over backwards to give her the relationship she said she wants and she's still not giving it to you?
"You feel you hurt her by not showing her the love she deserved and that she is struggling to forgive you for that despite the changes you have made."
What the hell is this about? Hurt by not showing the love she deserved? What a load of rubbish. He showed it by his actions; by giving and providing.
Struggling to forgive him? FORGIVE HIM?! FOR WHAT???! What about his happiness? She's certainly NOT showing him the love HE deserves. Hot and cold, off and on. Mixed signals. She's OUT.
If this one was with me, when she said "she deserved to have someone in her life that was more affectionate and would love her the way that she deserved to be loved 100%. She said that she finally got to a point where she just closed her heart off to me."
I would've replied "Well, it seems you've made up your mind. I'll help you pack"
I'd let her go and NOT come back.
My take is rather simple; she's not in love with you anymore. She is stringing you along until she finds someone else.
She's running hot and cold. Stop being a wimp and just quietly withdraw. Just stop calling her, seeing her as much and stop begging her (by doing everything she says she wants). If she comes chasing you, just tell her you need time to think about your future (not hers, yours!). Tell her you're busy.
She had her chance and she blew it.
Obviously, you're not happy with the situation. You can't make someone want to be with you. From your point of view you've done everything she asked and she's still not happy.
Here's THE question for you; do you really want to spend your married life with a woman like this? She is NOT 100% with you, despite what she says she is NOT in love with you, she is doing a lot of "figuring out" which is her way of saying "I need to think whether you are what I want for the rest of my life".
It's not personal. She's being an idiot. However, this is not something she'll snap out of. Next thing she'll be letting you down gently, and then topping it off with the old "we can still be friends" BS.
Once a woman's heart has gone, it's gone. And there's NOTHING you can do about it. You've already proved that by changing to be "more affectionate and loving" and it's made NO difference.
My advice to you? Don't change into Mr. Wimp. Continue to express your love by giving and providing with the next one you get together with. Don't be Mr. Sensitive or Mr. Emotional. Be yourself. If she doesn't like it, go date other women and find one that appreciates YOU and wants to be with you 100%..
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this one? You must be nuts if you do. I'd rather be with someone who makes me happy personally.
Move on buddy! You can do better. YOU deserve to be with someone who wants to be with YOU and makes YOU happy too you know?
As for R1's advice... Print it out... And flush it down the toilet.
...............................
A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (29 January 2013):
 I think you know what is going on. You feel you hurt her by not showing her the love she deserved and that she is struggling to forgive you for that despite the changes you have made. Sometimes we hurt people too much and they can never get over it. You sound like a nice guy so I hope for your sake she can get over this.
...............................
|
