A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Our 18-year-old daughter told us she had something to announce yesterday.We waited to hear, and were surprised by what she said; she admitted she felt like she should have a gender reassignment [her words!] and that people bully her in college [where she studies computing and business systems] because she looks masculine (she has naturally, from birth) and dresses feminine, and that very few boys want her, and those that do, treat her as some sort of freak thinking she's either a 'ladyboy' or something like that. The bullying only started in November last year. She told us that business systems, maths and website management were the only classes where she didn't have to worry over bullying. Her only real friends in college are a butch lesbian and her girlfriend, a geekish guy [who she likes but won't admit it to him fearing it'll ruin their friendship], and a mature student who is studying cookery.She did have a boyfriend, a lovely guy, he had Aspergers Syndrome(?isthat how you spell it), but he moved away to Ontario (we live in Burnaby) so she hasn't seen him since - he was a lovely guy, liked her for who she was and she loved him a lot - they dated for about 18 months until he moved with family (his dad got a new job at a Dodge dealer in Ontario, apparently).She doesn't use Facebook/Twitter etc. so cyber-bullying about her doesn't happen [she doesn't like social media sites, and none of her friends mentioned use it, they prefer Gmail instead].I think my daughter has low self-esteem and doesnt really understand what she's saying; she has never dressed masculine or had any masculine interests (well, except for computer programming, but that's beside the point, really... it just happens to be male-dominated).I asked her again if she was sure about the sex-change, and she tearfully admitted she had low self-esteem, and that she liked being feminine, the bullying had taken its toll on her, and she didn't really want it; in turn, I praised her for her honesty and being open enough to tell me. She said to me she's happy outside of college when with us, but inside college it feels worrying [she likes the academic but not the social side!]We complained to her college about the bullying and to the principal, but she was ineffectual,saying "It's just teenagers. Your daughter needs to toughen up.There's little we can do anyway, from a legal standpoint." I'm not certain I agree with the last statement - however, what should we do about the college situation?How can I make her feel good about herself and boost her self-esteem, and help her deal with insults about her looking masculine? She has admitted to me she wants help. She said she doesn't want to/can't move college as she's in her final year of her 2-year course from this September.I'm wondering what the best thing is we can do as a family to help her feel good about herself; in general she feels good, but she has the issues mentioned above.Apologies if this is a bit too long but I hope I've explained everything.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (30 January 2013):
 When you are young, everything is more urgent, more pressing, more extreme. But lets look at the fact. She is not butch. She doesn't get bullied in her chosen classes and she has a diverse number of friends.
But I would say she is a bit of an outsider and that isn't always easy. I was an outsider in my youth but I liked it that way, always preferred to be on the outside looking in.
But I am the exception not the rule. Your daughter seems to be trying to find who she is but also want to conform. Going your own way as a teen is incredibly brave but very hard on the soul.
While you might want to help her and talk with her. I think she is conflicted between her wants/needs/desires and what society wants/needs/desires of her. And the sad fact is, that YOU are part of society, you are part of the pressure on her to be something.
That is why people use counselors because a GOOD counselor/shrink is a neutral party who doesn't demand anything of their client so the person can talk about what THEY feel/think without worrying about upsetting her parents.
Get her into counseling but leave it open, no pressure to be cured or to be happy or to not worry about disappointing you... all those, no matter how well meant are pressures and it sounds like she has enough of them.
Just her and a person who listens and who doesn't take sides, not even hers. Then maybe she can find out who she is, what she wants and gain strength from that. And bullies don't go after strong people.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (30 January 2013):
You should help her seek counselling first or an advisor about what she can do to help her self esteem before resorting to such drastic measures. I've seen some issues about this on the Dr. Phil website so maybe you can have a look there.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (29 January 2013):
The problem is that let's say you give her a makeover and it makes her appear quite a bit more feminine, to the point that people wouldn't make fun of her. The bullies would probably just make fun of her changing.
What I'd suggest is some counseling. When she gets out of school things will be different. So if she has someone to talk to until then it could help. I'd also give her a makeover as a graduation present.
You should also contact the principals boss. Gather her principles email and ALL of her superiors email addresses. Then send an email expressing your disappointment with the principal regarding her excusing your daughter's discrimination and address it to all of them.
This is a very effective way of getting someone who is unwilling to do their job to listen up.
Congrats on being a good mom, I hope your daughter is okay until graduation. Afterwards, if she still feels like she's being treated poorly she should move to a more liberal city.
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