A
male
age
36-40,
*thacachris
writes:My girlfriend continues to talk to her ex. They haven't seen each other for over a year and she says he was verbally abusive to her. She and I have been dating for 8 months now and are very happy and in love. Yet....she still talks to her ex. As far as I know it is only through gchat but he texts and calls her once in a while. When I am there she doesn't respond. I don't know if she responds when I am not there.But I do know they gchat, almost on a daily basis during the work week. The conversations are not usually long and not too incriminating, but she complains to me that he stills pesters her to hang out and sends weird messages and that he won't stop ---- yet she still talks to him so of course he will continue trying to talk to her. I'm just fed up. If they maintained a friendship between the end of their relationship and the start of ours, I'd get over it and understand. But there's no reason for them to continue talking, and she tells me that they don't. What do I do? It is hard because I know they talk because I looked in her gchat logs. Should I tell her I snooped? When is it justified? Which is the lesser evil -- my snooping or her talking to her ex and not telling me?Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): ithacachris, you were not wrong to snoop....it is your right...(you are investing your time on her.....you are faithful to her...and you deserve the same)
If she doesn't like getting messages etc from this guy.... why on earth does she reciprocate his calls and messages? why can't she just tell this guy to STOP contacting her?
Just tell her straight...she needs to stop or you are leaving.
A
female
reader, soft2020 +, writes (21 January 2011):
 A female reader, soft2020 writes ( 21 January 2011 )
Hi Ithacachris, I know relationships can be confusing
and frustrating and seem almost impossible to success-
fully accomplish. I know it can be one of the most
tiring things in the world when all we want is that
everlasting love. "Cheer up!". Just like you I have
been experiencing problems in relationships over and
over again, time after time, again and again. Just
last Friday the 14th I went through a break up with
my boyfriend and that is all we have been doing is
breaking up and getting back together through the
whole 9 months we were together. We had a very hard
time with communicating, I had a very hard time of
getting him to relax and open up to talk to me and
discuss things. You are not alone like millions of
people we are left frustrated and with little or
no closure during, before, and after a break up.
We tend to walk around beating ourselves up
thinking what went wrong and we think that it
was us contributing to the cause of the problems
why things went wrong. The problems you are facing
with your girlfriend has nothing to do with you
or your relationsip "trust me", "Unresolve Emotional
Baggage". We end up packing it in bags and carrying it
with us everywhere we go. Your girlfriend may have some
unfinish business "issues" that she may not have realized
that she has with her ex that hasn't been resolved or
some trauma, she may have experienced as a child with
her parents maybe they might have criticized her as
a little girl. Example, " I'm going to knock you up
side the wall young lady, because you are stupid!"
"Words like these can hurts us for life!". We have
to have a good understanding relationship with our
parents as children before we can have it with anyone
in our adult life. Remember early "developmental"
teaching and learning starts at home. Your girl-
friends ex may also have unresolved emotional baggage
"issues" he may not realize he has. It could be "issues"
of a past relationship that he has not gotten over
before him and your girlfriend had gotten together
(his ex girlfriend before your girlfriend) or maybe
he has experience some form of trauma with his parents
also like your girlfriend, they may have criticized
him when he was a little boy. Example, "You are worth-
less and never going to mount to anything" and may
have left him feeling powerless to do anything about
it. Words our parents throw at us can hurt us for the
rest of our lives. Maybe you and your girlfriend can
sit down and discuss things if she is willing. There
is also some self help videos and "books" like
"Are you the one for me?", "Men are from mars and
women are from Venus, "Act like a lady and think
a man,and "He or she is just not that into you".
You may want to try some of these self help books
they worked for me, knowing whats wrong we can
began to fix the problems.
Good Luck !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): Yes, you should tell her you looked at her gchat. It's bothering you, and it's just going to continue bothering you if you don't say anything. And I think that you were justified in looking. She should not be keeping secrets, especially if she wants you to trust her. You need to ask her straight up why she is still talking to him and more importantly why she's trying to keep it from you. Be calm when you do it, though, she'll be more likely to open up if you're not sounding angry with her.
You said the conversations aren't long or incriminating, so that's a good sign nothing too serious is going on. Maybe they worked out their differences and have decided to be friends, and if so there's no harm in that. It's possible that the only reason she's keeping it from you is because she's afraid you won't understand and get mad at her. I'm not saying it's right (because it's not), but it could be something that simple. As long as she's not talking to him for hours at a time or trying to see him in person behind your back, I think you have little-to-nothing to worry about.
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A
male
reader, ithacachris +, writes (21 January 2011):
ithacachris is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have made it clear that i am not comfortable with this, and done so as best i could without letting on that i have snooped. i have made a choice to not talk to exes out of respect for her, even though sometimes i would like to see what's up with them. the sacrifice is worth it in my mind. obviously she doesn't feel the same way. it's driving me crazy how she is deceiving me and i think i have to come out and tell her i've snooped because her lying and talking to him has got to stop. it's not like they were married or have kids together. they were college boyfriend/girlfriend. the only reasons to maintain that relationship are bad reasons.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): If you are in a relationship where your gf talks/chats to her ex and she knows how you feel about it...you can tell her that if she doesn't stop you are not prepared to invest anymore of you time on her....I think if she truly loves you and wants to be with you she will stop...if she doesn't you need to find someone else...because you know this will eventually lead to.
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A
male
reader, ithacachris +, writes (21 January 2011):
ithacachris is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI see your point, BUT
this is someone she was not happy with. she tells me she does not talk to him and that she does not want to talk to him. she complains that he initiates communication. so, she is lying to me and he continues to initiate communication because she reciprocates.
snooping is wrong, but my instincts that drove me to snoop were right and she is deceiving me. she talks about us moving in together and getting married but it is harder and harder to have these conversations knowing she is being deceitful about the extent of the relationship she has with her ex.
if she was open about it and explained why it was important to maintain a relationship with, i would feel totally different.
also, if i ever spoke with an ex she would freak on me and probably break up with me. no joke. the whole situation is fishy and unfair and i don't know how to deal with it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): I am a great believer in do what your gut instincts tells you to do. If it says snoop then snoop. Everytime I have snooped I have found something which sort of justifies my snooping!
I feel that your g/f still enjoys these conversations and doesn't really feel that he is pestering her as she phrases it. If she really didn't like it then she would stop talking to him. She probably says this to make you jealous and to get more attention. My advice to you would be say that you are very unhappy about this contact and that it has to stop. If you can do this without letting on the fact that you have read her mail so much the better. People who keep contact with exes normally do so although they won't admit it, so they can use them in a fall back situation. It's like having your cake and eating it. Although you don't wish to be deemed as controlling I would put a stop to it or try at least to get her to cut down the amount of contact to a fairly infrequent level if you feel you can cope with that.
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A
female
reader, cry +, writes (21 January 2011):
 well you not the boss of her and your not married eathier shes free to tex and talk to whom ever...get over it your being controling.if its ment to be with you it will.im still in toutch with my ex even after he married some one .
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