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male
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anonymous
writes: My girlfriend who I have dated throughout College (2 years now) recently revealed to me that she was sexually molested in her early teens. I've had my suspisions since the beginning, and done my best to show my concern but never probe figuring that she would eventually reveal whatever secret she was keeping when she was ready. She has always had sensitive issues particularly about my commitment level, and about doing anything physical. And she has periodically gone through periods of depression at seemingly unrelated times. Initially I attributed her troubles to more typical, less serious problems; school, roomate issues, financial worries. But my skepticism grew when we started having sex, which was a HUGE deal for her, she shows tremendous self reliance and respect in all her undertakings, why I fell for her I suppose, but when it came down to being intimate she was uncharacteristically uncomfortable. Sorry for rambling on, but in finally confessing to me that she was indeed molested by an older boy in her early teens, it confirmed my worst suspicions.She went on to tell me that I am the only guy she has ever told this too, that she had lost her only other intimate boyfriend (from highschool) due to lack of trust in him and because she was so reluctant to do anything sexual with him.Coming from a christian background, I was impressed by her conservative, moral attitude when every other girl was throwing away all inhibitions. Besides that, I had been in a short sexual relationship that didnt work out, and had no problem waiting for her to be ready. She always stressed how important it had been that I gave her a feeling of control and never pushed any physical aspects of our relationship in doing so I allowed her a second chance at exploring intimacy that she was deprived. ANYWAY, we have a healthy, sexually active relationship, but since she told me this, she is terrified that I am going to lose interest in her, or that I wont find her appealing anymore. She apologizes for telling me and has since been very upset. I feel quite the opposite, I find her a stronger person and respect her more than ever. I am glad that she entrusted me with this most traumatic secret and am honored to do everything in my power to make our relationship more fulfilling and comfortable for her. If there are any women out there who can relate to my girlfriend, I would love to here what you needed most or what you wish someone would have done for you when you revealed your past to your partner. If there is anything I can do to make her feel especially secure in this trivial period for her I would love to know about it. Thanks for listening
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2006): I agree with yos. I almost wish you could copy your letter and show her what you wrote (although she may take that as an abuse of her trust so don't actually do that). But what I mean is that you sound absolutely adorable, and you obviously care for her a great deal. You are doing everything right. Just hang in there and continue as you are. Once she realises you are not about to run screaming for the hills (which may take a very very long time, but will happen eventually), then you will both be fine. I wish you both lots of love and happiness, and applaud you for being such a wonderful boyfriend.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2006): Jadzia1127 couldn't put it better when she writes "This is going to be a rough ride but if you love her and stick with her she will become a better person for it and love you more for not leaving when she was pushing."
I have been in a very similar situation to you and, I could probably spend hours writing to you, but I am going to keep it brief :)
You sound like a great person who is doing all the right things for her, and no doubt she will positively benefit from your trust, dedication and commitment. You need to make sure though that she is giving you as much as you are giving her and you don't fall in to wishing to be a carer for her, rather than having an equal relationship.
More importantly, you need to bare in mind that just because you have shown yourself to be an honourable person, and managed to get her to trust you, it does not necessarily mean you are through the worst of it. People who have been abused can develop massive underlying problems regarding self respect and worth. Whilst on one hand she wants your love, she may paradoxically fight it, not because of you, but because she doesn't feel she's worthy of being loved. Although she hasn't done yet, she may seek emotionalness sex, or superficial attention from men of questionable motives. She may, for no apparent reason freak out, and want time and space. You need to remember that your actions towards her will have a lasting impression on her, and if she does ever feel trapped, or hurts you, or does things you don't understand, you must have the self-confidence that everything you have done for her will come through, and, as the other person writes, she will come through. Not all women need to speak to a councellor about sexual abuse they have suffered, but most do. Most women who are abused find it hard to genuingly accept that it wasn't -their- fault, and they also need help accepting that they are equally worthy of respect and love.
I think also you need to find someone to speak to about what has happened to her. It might not bother you now, but the thoughts of thinking what she went through might bother you in the future. If you haven't already, you are likely to go through all sorts of emotional responses, some being utter regret, others being pure hatred towards the person who did it. It's possible she will never be able to answer, or hear, the things that bother you and so that's why if you need to work things out in your head, it's best to do it with someone else.
Good luck with everything. If you are both commited to this relationship, I have no doubt it will all work out. :) You will both show to that abuser that love and respect are far more powerful things than what they will ever be able to give or receive in their lifetime. Take care :)
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (29 May 2006):
 It's very significant thing that she has revealed to you. By your writing, its clear that you are a very good boyfriend for her to have.
I suggest just telling her what you wrote here, and confessing your hopes and fears to her. After what she has shared with you she deserves to know what you are going through too. Just place extra emphasis on the fact that you want to stay with her, that you respect her, and that you thing she is a strong person. The best way to make her feel secure is for her to know that she knows you, and for you to keep on reminding her that you want to be with her. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (29 May 2006):
 There are typical steps in revealing such a secret. After a secret is revealed they will feel closer to you for a brief second then the worry and distrust will try to push you away. This is going to be a rough ride but if you love her and stick with her she will become a better person for it and love you more for not leaving when she was pushing.
You need to NEVER trivialize her past, just listen and comfort her. These memories will never pass, and to say that it is a 'trivial period' in her life is very demeaning to what she went through.
You to be ready to just listen every time she needs to talk and that might be during certain days of every year. It might be a smell, a sight, a triggered memory that sets it off but if your there for her and let her talk, it will get better. Over time in a safe environment the feelings do lessen.
On other days, make a point of complimenting her appearance, her work, her strength, etc. When she is getting really down you need to learn what perks her up such as, going out, new clothes, dancing, etc. It will help pull her out of those slumps, even if she doesn't want to be.
Hopefully she has gotten counselling for this or is in counselling. The most important thing for you is to be there for her.
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