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female
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anonymous
writes: I am 20 and two years ago I met such an amazing guy, he was the first guy who respected me for who I am but because of various past experiences I was afraid to commit to a relationship and treated him quite badly for a long time. Last April we were not in a sexual relationship, I was really depressed but he stayed in my life and helped me out a lot. It was then I had a one night stand with someone, I never told him about it. Last summer we had an argument, and again, because I was so confused about my feelings, I asked for a break and in that time of a few months I had several other one night stands.These one night stands made me realise it was my boyfriend I loved, and late last year I hooked up with him again and it was so great, I completely fell in love with him and was ready to have a commited relationship with him.He found out about my one night stands last year and was devastated, he couldn't believe I had lied to him, or that I had been with any one else. I feel so guilty because he was so dedicated to me right from the start and I feel like I've ruined things, he is so understanding and that seems to make me feel worse.To make matters worse, whenever he's tried to talk about how he feels, instead of listening to him and acknowldging his feelings, all I can do is get really angry at him. I am driving him away but I don't know what to do, for ages now he feels betrayed and lied to, and he says not being able to talk to me is making it worse. My friends seem to give me completely different advice, they say it is not a big deal because we weren't in a sexual relationship but I know I have betrayed his trust and lied about so much, not only last year but so much about my past, I just never wanted him to think bad of me, but now I know if I had been truthful none of this would have happened. I never needed to lie about it, he would of understood. He knows my friends take my side and so he wants nothing to do with most of them which causes even more problems.I don't understand why I get so angry at him, I am more angry at myself for keeping these lies, and for allowing myself to fall in love with him knowing one day he would find out. I wish I had done things differently but I don't know how to make him understand.I love him so much, but last week after a bad argument he said he was unsure of how he felt about me any more. I can't hack him talking about any of this because I hate my past mistakes, its so painful to think i have done this to someone I love but i just dont know how to talk to him about any of this, i just get angry and force him away from me. He has been the love of my life, he has always been so caring and dedicated to me, but it's just all fading away :(
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male
reader, addavis8 +, writes (29 May 2006):
 Wow, your post really hits home! I am 20 as well, and was in the exact same situation you are. Only in reverse! I met an incredible girl almost two years ago, this fall actually, and cheated on her secretly over winter break two years ago; before we started having sex. Then we started having sex in late spring and I went out and had a couple one night stands over summer while I was travelling. We have since gotten through all of that and have enjoyed about 8 months together! I know how you feel, all my friends aligned on my side, and agreed that it wasnt a big deal and that since we werent even having sex for the first one that she had nothing to be too upset about. And because the subsequent ones were meaningless one nighters they didnt mean much either. However I knew in every instance that I was breeching our trust and felt terrible about them because I knew each of the events would devastate her. Hope this sounds familiar...When she came to me with her suspicions I burst out in confession. Afterwards, after I originally apologized and told her they meant nothing we didnt talk for awhile. But she came back, wanting to talk them over and I got angry with her, like you did. Even though I knew I was in the wrong. It took me awhile but I finally diagnosed that I got that way because it is really hard to ADMIT that you have caused the person you love and adore so much unnecessary harm. Its really disconcerting to know that you are capable much worse, RESPONSIBLE for their severe emotional damage. Coming to terms with that was the hard part. Next it was rough but I wrote a long letter focusing on how much she meant to me and selflessly admitting all my shortcomings and praising her for her commitment. Next I threw myself at the mercy of her indignation for about two weeks. That was what it took to begin the path towards normality. And as I said, after she knew I was genuine about wanting to continue our relationship and after she had vented about all the deceit we have enjoyed a great calm, by that I mean an undisturbed ever-deepening, intimate relationship.GOOD LUCK, and if this guy is all he is cracked up to be. Im sure he wants you back with you as much as you want to be back with him. Hope it all works out
A
female
reader, Phoebe Halliwell  +, writes (29 May 2006):
 Dear Reader,
You feel it's ruining your relationship, this shows you are committed and are a true and faithful person, girlfriend and all around good guy (well, girl lol!)
You feel angry at your boyfriend because you're trying to make him see how sorry and upset you are about having 1 night stands and all he can see is the bad side, not that it may actually make your relationship stronger, working through something like this, correct?
You need to tell him that deep down in your heart you knew it was wrong. And in your head you keep trying to think of more and more way to say sorry. Tell him you want him to know you're sorry and you want him to know you can be committed and be faithfull.
Try and learn to control your anger, find inner peace, if you want to call it that, if you get a harness on your anger, you are less likely to let it out on other people, thus not driving or pushing away your wonderful boyfriend!
Good Luck, all the best and Blessed Be,
Phoebe
xxx
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