A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Alright, my girlfriend of 2 years recently started hanging out with her one friend, who i had a feeling liked her, however i didn't want to be one of those controlling boyfriends so i said that i wasn't going to stop her from seeing him (although i did tell her that i didn't like the idea of it). Then, about two weeks ago she told me that she wanted to see if she loves only me, and asked me if she could kiss him. I said i didn't want her to and told her not to break my heart, so she said she wouldn't. In the past two weeks we hung out about 2 1/2 hours all together, seeing her only 4 times. I've been telling her that i missed her, and making it obvious that i wanted to hang out with her, but instead she would always go with her friends (including him). Today me and her got into a fight, because i said that we never hung out, and she argued it until she had to left for work. This was i think our third fight ever.Later I stopped by at her work, and she told me that wanted some "time to herself", and said that "we can still hang out on thanksgiving and Christmas". Upon hearing this i started to broke out crying (we were in private), she said it wasn't my fault and all that, and left. She then stopped over later and said that she thought about it, and realized that we haven't really seen each other at all, like i said. So, we started talking for a while and everything was good, until she started talking about "taking time off" from the relationship, and saying that she needed to get her feelings straight. She said that we can still kiss and i can tell her i love her and everything...so i didn't really get what she meant, and said that she was going to just take time to think weither she wants to be with me or him, saying that right now she greatly favors me. After that we somehow managed to..make up, but in the end it didn't change her mentality. During our talk she said that she was wishing that i told her she couldn't hang out with him, was absolutely destroyed me, and said that we haven't done anything special in a long time (which is because i have absolutely no money right now and she wasn't hanging out with me a lot).If you read all that, that i have to thank you and applaud you because i realize that was really long. Thankfully i get paid in a few days, so i made plans to go out to eat with her, and I'm also going to get her some flowers. On top of that I'm taking her to see one of her long awaited movies.I really don't know what to ask from you guys...i guess, do you think i really screwed up? And also what should i do to win her back completely. I almost always gave her what she wanted, and I've even walked to her house in the pitch black in the snowy December before, and she lives 3 miles away (several times, sometimes on bike in the snow.) She said in the end she knows that she going to be with me, it's just i don't want to take that chance of letting her go now and hopping that she comes back later...
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009): Here's another update. Today is our day to go out to eat. She seems excited, but last night was the same story of how she can't chose which person, and we both (me and him) want the same things and act the same. I'm a very passive person, but i've come to hate this person. He's like a worm or a weazel. she said that she's going to decide on friday who she wants to be with. I don't know why she can't understand how much i lose if she says no to me, and how little he'll lose. She tells me that she knows that in the end she'll end of with me somehow, and that she wants to be with me in the end (marry). I just hope she picks me...
There arn't really as many responses as i thought i'd get...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009): Hey, thanks for the quick reply. We are going out to eat tomorrow, and as i mentioned earlier we're going to the movies this weekend, along with some spotted periods of seeing each other. I know that i shouldn't pressure her, but i feel that i drastically limit the times i see her to give her complete space, that in the end it may hurt me. What i mean is, how this all started is that we went over his house because he was going to help her study since she didn't understand a subject, and at the time and before she wasn't too fond of him, and even told me that she hated him. Then she just keep seeing him, and not hanging out with me, and before i know it she's telling me that she loves him too. I think however this is one of my only reassurances, is that about a month ago she hated him, and know she says she's in love with him. When we were talking i tried to indirectly hint at that she may just think she likes him so much, but she didn't catch the hint. To add a little ironic twist, his ex, that broke up with him about 2 months/ 1 1/2 month ago is now dated who else, but my girlfriend's brother....yea. well, i still don't know what to think, i don't know what to do, and i can't stop thinking about her. I don't even know if were still together, and everything about this whole thing is killing me.
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A
female
reader, Another_Kapiti  +, writes (16 November 2009):
 I applaud you! You have gone to a lot of effort for this girl, and admire you for how you've tried not to be controlling.I don't think you've screwed up as it were, but I think that you do need to give her the time to sort her head out.The more pressure she feels, the more likely it is that she'll take the less stressful avenue (him) because that's easier than thinking about what she'll be losing (you) which is obviously hard for her.You could try saying to her, "I understand that you need some time to think things through, and I'll be here for you as I think our relationship is deep and meaningful and worth hanging on to" something like that. Keep checking in with her, via text/phone/email maybe once a week, though not putting too much pressure on again, this keeps you in the loop without her feeling trapped. Just bear in mind that you don't want to wait forever to get an actual answer to the question of your relationship surviving, so if she hasn't made up her mind in a month or two, might be better to save your sanity (rubber rooms are never fun!) and your heart and end it.In the meantime, do things you enjoy to take your mind off things while she thinks things through. Play sport, hang out with mates/family etc and you'll soon be feeling better and less dependant on her answer.Good luck! AK.
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