A
male
age
26-29,
*auly2000
writes:I'm in a bit of a dilemma as I've just started a relationship with a girl who I really thought was the one. We've been going out for about four months now and I really do love her and she loves me. She's just been on a massive rant to me today though which has concerned me. Me and my sister have a mutual friend who we've always been seeing for three years. This year we're going on holiday together and my girlfriend is insanely jealous. She's convinced that this friend fancies me (she categorically does not) and says that if I ever go on holiday with her again then we're finished. She went on to say that she's not happy with me going round friends houses when they are female. She says it's wrong and disrespectful when you're in a relationship. I have never been in a relationship and have quite a few female friends who I don't want to cut off. I love this girl but is she being unreasonable? She's made it abundantly clear that she does not like me hanging out with other girls but I have said to her that I wouldn't mind if she had male friends, but she doesn't see this viewpoint at all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2019): Dump her? For sticking to her standards? Hmmm. Maybe the OP needs to ease up on female friends. And stop taking trips with them. Or date a woman who is okay with all that. Good luck finding one...
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (27 May 2019):
Dump her. Unless you want her controlling who you can be friends with dump her. Jealousy does not get better. So for your sake drop her like a bad habit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2019): I'd like to mention to posters that holidays are often booked more than 4 months in advance (he would have been single) and that it's rarely easy to just add another person to it. He's also not going alone with the female friend,, his sister will be there too..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2019): I agree with your girlfriend. Going on a holiday with another woman and your sister while your girlfriend is not there is inappropriate. Having a female friend is fine but it can get tricky and all depends on how you behave. If you include your girlfriend to hangout and don’t act in a way to cause sensitivity it’s ok otherwise it won’t work.
It doesn’t mean she is insecure, she just finds it inappropriate. If she doesn’t have problem hanging out when she is also there then I don’t see any problem with her request.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2019): Those are HER deal breakers, OP. And there's nothing you can do to change that. She is entitled to her feelings, standards, and what she deems acceptable (or not) in a relationship. Why can't she come along on the trip with your sister and friend? Honestly, I wouldn't like it either if my bf had all these female friends and went on trips with them. Deal breaker for me.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (25 May 2019):
 I smell trouble for you. TRUST is a must if this is going to survive. While I dont think she has any right to tell you whom it is you are allowed to have friendships I do think that you need to be considerate to a certain degree. Have a talk, set some boundaries but end them...NO WAY!
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A
female
reader, Xx-Scorpio-xX +, writes (25 May 2019):
 Personally I think males and females can be friends but not close/best. I live with a male friend but we're not close at all and it works out fine but if we were super close then chances are feelings would be there on one or the others side. None of my close friendships with males have ever lasted. My boyfriend has a female friend but they rarely see each other so i don't feel threatened. If they were spending lots of time together then I would.
I don't think she should be demanding an ultimatum.
If you booked the holiday before you knew here then she's in the wrong, but if you booked it after you got in the relationship then i can fully take your girlfriends point of view~ especially if you're going alone. I couldn't tolerate a boyfriend going away alone with a close female friend even if they said there were no feelings involved.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 May 2019):
 She is being possessive and jealous, two red flags. You thought you knew this girl, well you dont. She just revealed her true self to you, and its not pretty. Accept the ultimatum and break it off with her. There will be healthier women and stronger relationships in the future.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (24 May 2019):
 Was that you Pauly 2000? I won't get off on a tangent with an anonymous poster on someone else's thread. I do reply to private messages.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 May 2019):
 Please don't take this the wrong way but you are not in LOVE, you are in LUST. You are not thinking with what is between your ears but with what is between your legs. You are so hung up on this girl because this is your first relationship. If you already had a few relationships under your belt, you would not be thinking this was love and you would not be allowing her to dictate to you who you should have as friends.
If the holiday is a problem, can your girlfriend not come too? Have you introduced her to your girl friends? Have you encouraged her to hang out with you when you are seeing them so she can get to know them herself? Perhaps then she would not feel so threatened.
This relationship is unlikely to last the duration. If you drop your friends, who will support you when you are hurt and needing a shoulder to cry on?
Stand back a little and consider what is happening here with a RATIONAL mind. Is this how you want to live, being threatened with being ditched every time you do something your girlfriend doesn't like?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2019): To clarify, is it you, your sister, and your friend going on a holiday together? Because if it's just you and the friend's, that's highly inappropriate.
Can you invite your girlfriend to join the holiday?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2019): FA, if you hang out in groups with women, how is it disrespectful? People shouldn’t ditch their friends every time they get a new partner. Can gay men in relationships not have male friends? Can lesbians in relationships not have female friends? Can bisexuals in relationships not have any friends?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2019): We have to consider whether you're dealing with insecurities; or if you have too many lady-friends. Before you commit to a relationship, you have to evaluate the personality and ways of your love-interest; to be sure you're making the right decision.
People tend to impulsively rush into commitments without actually knowing the person they are attaching their feelings to. Everyone is "in-love;" but don't exactly know why or with whom they have such deep feelings? If you've had sex, then suddenly it's as if you're married to this person.
Now let me clarify something for you. She has a right to demand respect and consideration; if she agrees to date you exclusively. If you had a few lady-friends prior to committing to her, you should introduce them; so she becomes acquainted, and understands that the connections and interactions you have with those other women are purely platonic. By no means are you to go on some special introductory-tour to make her feel more secure about herself. You're just allowing her to get to know you better; and the kind of people you consider friends. By your description, she seems possessive and controlling.
You have no responsibility to go out of your way to pacify her jealousy. If she doesn't trust or believe you; then let her go. If she doesn't trust you, she's only going to be an annoying bundle of insecurities; because she's not mature or secure enough to know that you're not sleeping with every female you know. If you are nurturing a new relationship; you should be considerate enough to know that you don't do a lot of one-on-one hanging-out with other women. Not if you want to EARN the trust you deserve.
If she's making all sorts demands and threats; she sounds like a high-maintenance demanding-personality who has trust-issues. Even if you got rid of every unrelated-female you know, it won't satisfy her insecurities. She'll be suspicious of your every move, every call, and watch you like a hawk around other females. These insecure kind of females put hooks in you, and they get worse with time!
She laid down an ultimatum and you hardly know that much about her. It's not a good sign. I think she's a problem.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 May 2019):
 While I think it's ALWAYS smart to consider a partner's feelings when it comes to friends of the opposite sex, I also FIRMLY believe that NO partner has the "right" to make demands on WHO we can befriend and stay friends with.
Generally, I think NOT it's a great idea to haves EXES of the opposite sex as friends. I think when a relationship is over, it SHOULD be over.
However, as the girl is NOT an ex, you have no romantic relationship with her, I see no problem having her as a friend. I do think men and women can be friends only.
Your GF is controlling. And she doesn't trust you AT ALL. She thinks jealousy is somehow a way of showing love, but it only shows insecurity and control issues.
Maybe because you have only been together for 4 months. Maybe because that is just who she is.
Personally, I would tell her that you ARE going on holiday as planned with your sister and friend. If she then CHOOSES to break up over this, THAT is her choice.
IF you BEND to this demand.. trust me you are going to have no social life at all. THIS is just the beginning. It will be demand after demand.
One thing though, HAS she met this female friend? If not, I would ask if she would like to meet her so she can see for herself that this girl is not a threat.
If she has met her, perhaps she just doesn't care.
Now, in a way, I get what she means. You going on vacation with two females (one is your sister) but there will be semi nudity (probably going south so to the beach) there will be drinking and dinners (which can seem like dates) - so I get what she feels, but I do wonder if she is MORE pissed off that YOU are going on vacation and SHE (your GF) isn't... or that you go with two females. Personally, at your age, I'd say a LAD'S holiday is way more worrisome!
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (24 May 2019):
I agree with your girlfriend, Hanging out with other women when you are in a relationship is disrespectful.
I also agree that your Girlfriend is over controlling, and insanely jealous. Some people make the mistake of thinking jealousy is love. Some people make the mistake of thinking a relationship is ownership. Both of these attitudes kill relationships. Love is Trust.
Ultimatums. dangerous waters. The thing is some foolish people issue ultimatums three times a day with no intent to ever carry through with the penalty. We generally advise the use of ultimatums only as a last resort after healthy communication, and only when you are fully prepared to act on the punishment.
Your trouble is finding out how prepared she is to act on the ultimatum. You have three choices:
Tell her you are going on your holiday as planned, and that you are willing to accept her choice to leave you if she feels she must. This is a way of asserting your freedom and opening discussion about the possible future.
second, You can tell her that you don't accept a relationship on her terms which you find unreasonable. This is breaking the relationship to regain your freedom.
Last, you could accept that her ultimatum is sincere, and that you desire her enough to live within her restrictions. You have been warned about this. What women won't tell you is that when you give in to this kind of demand, they will inevitably see you as weak. they will soon find you uninteresting, and the break up will happen in about a year when she fancies someone more "interesting".
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (24 May 2019):
 I’m sorry, OP, but this isn’t love. You don’t truly love someone after only 4 months; there’s not enough time for proper substance yet. Add to that her incredibly controlling and paranoid attitude, you will waste months or years of your life with her, feeling under scrutiny constantly.This is not healthy. She probably knows it, but let’s it take over anyway. If you stay when she makes demands and ultimatums like this, she will never stop. You will become isolated from good friends and you will lose your freedom.Leave. Chalk this up to a bad first relationship and a lesson of one thing to walk away from. Also, the first relationship is rarely “the one” and you shouldn’t pin so many hopes on a new relationship or you’ll find yourself ignoring bad behaviours. Take relationships slower and don’t accept poor treatment, including this.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (24 May 2019):
 Short answer: run for the hills!
Tell your girlfriend your holiday plans remain in place and if she doesn't like it she knows where the door is.
It would appear you and your girlfriend have very different views on what is, and isn't, acceptable in a relationship. Issuing ultimatums and making demands is not conducive to a lasting healthy relationship. Instead communication and discussing such issues to reach a mutual understanding is way better.
Try and discuss your girlfriend's concerns in an open, sharing manner, if she still isn't prepared to discuss them but make demands then maybe she isn't mature enough for a relationship yet and you should call it quits before you become further attached.
Good luck.
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