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male
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anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years, living together for 1. Most of the times we get on really well. We do lots of stuff, we have fun, we have a normal, healthy relationship in all aspects.However, my girlfriend has a problem. She can't cope well with stress or problems. When she has problems and stresses she becomes more or less non-functional in the relationship. She mopes around like a teenager (we are both in our late 20's). She is miserable. And she puts these problems onto me.These problems are usually work stresses. I try my hardest to help cheer her up and keep things in perspective (her issues are mainly normal work stresses that to her feel huge). But by trying to keep perspective on things I get told that I am being "unsypathetic" and that this makes her feel unloved. She says that I don't understand how huge her problems and stresses are. To make matters worse I have a job I love and I don't mind stresses or worries. She resents this.I tell her that if her job is that bad that it's making her ill with stress, she should quit and do something else. We are financially secure so this wouldn't be a problem money-wise.But, she says that simply isn't problem and I just don't understand.I have been through things in my life which make me treat everything with a "light touch". I really try to help her put things in perspective and help her work through her problems but I simply can't. When we're on holiday or she is having a period free of stresses, we have the best times. But something like this ALWAYS crops up again and makes her non-functional.I'm starting to wonder whether I have the strength of character to press on with the relationship or whether it will always be a case of me trying to "fix" her. Anyone got advice or been in a similar situation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your help everyone. Appreciate the replies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): When we live with someone who is having chronic issues of a stress related condition, it gives a person a great sense of powerlessness, over their own life. Because her inability to help herself, it does 'derail' your life as well.
As a result, the relationship gets greatly compromised because you end up getting frustrated because you get stuck too, in that caretaking role of trying to bring order to the chaos that is your relationship with her. If her stress problems are unmanageable, I would suggest you look after your own well being, here. There is nothing you can do anymore. You have done all you can, you need to accept the powerlessness you have over her problems.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Irish. Yes, this is a work-stress problem. What I find frustrating is that she seems unwilling to get further help or see that this isn't a "normal" way to live life, in a state of perpetual stress and misery.
We are planning a weekend away with friends in a few weeks and she is already telling me how she will be unable to enjoy the weekend because she will be concerned and stressed about work and thinking she should be doing work over the weekend (she sometimes brings work home).
She had counselling in the past for work stress and low self esteem and it did help but we since moved away from her old counsellor and she is unwilling to try again. I have gently suggested that it is very bad for her health to continue living like this, but she is just unwilling to get help or consider other options.
I really do feel at my wits end. How do you help someone who is making themselves miserable with work, who can't see that this is not healthy for themselves or our relationship.
The job is actually contract based so it only lasts another two months. My view if I was her would be to either knuckle down and tough out this contract and not let the stress kill me, or quit the damn thing and get another less stressful contract. But I just can't imagine another two months like this.
Regardless, unless she finds ways or accepts help in coping with stress and problems more generally in life my real fear is that this is going to continue.
Little problems and stresses that are of no great significance are blown up out of all proportion. Her old counsellor picked up on possible reasons why this was and was working through them with her... But like I say talking to her about continuing with counselling is like hitting my head against a brick wall :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): Your gf is one unhappy person and I am a bit confused over what she is doing here. She leads you to believe it's work that s causing the stress problem, but then she says, "that (work stress) is simply isn't problem and that you just don't understand."
So what else is it? If she won't tell you then I can see how this is baffling for you. So you telling me, that she mopes, becomes non-functional, and she is miserable. Either she is very unhappy here and is refusing to work at this relationship with you or she really truely does have work stress that is triggering these behaviors. When stress exceeds one's body's coping resources, it can trigger depression. And perhaps she is not fully recognizing that. I state all this because you said, she's seems fine and good, when away from the job, on a holiday, etc.
So if you can help her to establish the real problem, that would be helpful, to know how to proceed here. If she can state without a doubt, it is job stress, she does need to resolve this, or this relationship will blow up. She needs to be willing to 'fix' herself, accept that she may need better coping skills...all by seeking some professional help. And you are right, you cannot do it for, she has to do it. You can support her decisions to help herself, but she has to make the call and ask for help.
We all think that an "ideal" relationship is when both partners contribute 50/50. Not true, there are times when the female will do more of her share and the male does more than his share. There is a healthy ebb and flow. But when 'stress and/or depression' enter the relationship for one of the partners, the other partner is picking up more and more of the slack. And that is when a negative momentum begins. The longer this process goes on for you and your gf, the more resentful you will be become. And seriously, that could kill your love for her. So the key here is open honest communcation.
So I do understand the problem for you and for her. You are right in the midst of this, watching her struggle. And like most people, the way they react to stress is they look to the person they love and trust the most, and they don't hold in their feelings. But, usually they vent but then they are able to do something about it, with the support of the partner.
But if she's stuck and keeps having the same issues with stress she has to recognize that she needs help, she has to be proactive and was able to be willing to see a doctor, who would help her to control the stress and to cope better. It's crucial that does actively think positive thoughts and maintain a sense of humor, gratitude, interest, and love. If she gets the outside support, she can do this once again.
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female
reader, toomuch stress  +, writes (30 September 2010):
 You can't say that you never have bad days. And by saying she is "un-functional" in the relationship when she is stressed out is a little vague. If you truely care for someone you care for them on their good and bad days. Sometimes it a little tough to realize what someone is going through when we don't have or haven't had problems in that area. Cut her some slack and let her know you are there for her and listen to her is she needs to vent. Usually when I am stressed out I either need alone time to myself or usually I want to be comforted and if she does that will help her get over it faster and move to the point where you guys can be okay again. Good Luck
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