A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Just need some thoughts..My bf and i have been toegther for 3 yrs, we had a bad break up, and got back together. Anyways we broke up again, I told him I hated him and stay out of my life forever....Anyways 4 days after the break up, he goes to this place and sleeps with this ugly Pig. I found out because a week after he did it, he realized he made a huge mistake, and wanted us to try again. He explained EVERYTHING that happened, and he told me he was really upset cause he realized he ruined everything. He said he didn't even know why he did it, Although he was drunk (no excuse) he said he was upset mad, and hurt I know of the girl, and she is what i said an Ugly pig, he told me he regretted it imdeiatly after and wishes it never happened. I needed to decide if i could forgive what he did..He said "it wasn't cheating" cause we were broken up, But to me HE STILL DID IT. I guess my question is,,can i still trust him?? And Why do guys do those things, that mess everything up?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): Ok there i see exactly where your coming from. I've been through the same. Years ago i was the girl that was used by someone on the rebound after his ex left him. I've also had it done to me by my current b/f so I've seen both sides. The first guy who used me wrote to his ex and said i was someone who he met and that shed given him no choice as she disappeared. It turned out through all HER letters that i found (NOT HIDDEN BY THE WAY) that he'd treated her and her daughter really badly. As you said your fella treated you badly at times too. He was very immature and couldn't deal with any emotional pain. My ex was really just a boy in a mans body. He didn't change. We were together 5yrs and have a son together. I left him in the end. Anyway to second time i had it done to me. I, like you, had a massive bust up, he treated me bad, i told him i hated him etc. Within the week he'd got drunk and picked up a girl and slept with her. We got back together and he told me. I was incandescent with rage and he had to pin me to the floor. But you know what they are the ones with such low self opinion that the can only validate themselves by sleeping with some poor innocent girl to pump up their deflated egos. Their pain is so acute that they look for a quick fix. I really don't think this is a male only thing. I've known women to do it. It's just that they are fueled by their flattened egos and the need to prove they are still men. More pity the poor girl. Shes an innocent party. It took me a while to get over what my fella did. Only by him showing me he loved me and was sorry did i get over it. If you believe he loves you and means what he says give him the chance to prove it. What he did wasn't personally designed to attack you. He was in pain and grabbed the nearest women. Totally wrong and sickening but i think it sounds like his heart is with you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): I know what this girl is going through i did exactly the same to my bf of 3yrs, i was 6 weeks pregnant, confused and due to the turbulance we had ben going through for a while, after an arguement i told him i hated him, never to come near me again. within days he had picked up a girl in a club and took her back to the flat where he was staying and started a 3 week relationship with her. only difference was i didnt know about it, he came back to me a week or so after we'd split saying he wanted to make things work, he wanted me and our baby and i took him back. I was 16 weeks pregnant when i found out about this other girl and it destroyed me, although we were really not together i felt that if he really loved me why would he be so quick to try and replace me. i couldnt of even thought about having sex with someone else pregnant or not. Thing is hunni men see sex different to us women, i think it means more emotionally to us while to them it is simply and act to make them feel desirable and wanted. I cant give you advice on your relatonship but can only say i forgave him we had our son who is 12 wks and i have just found out he has cheated on me, im now nursing a broken heart.Your bf told you what he did, mine didnt he denyed it.give him a chance if you love him, he knows he did wrong. good look sweetheart xxx
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (19 September 2007):
 You Asked:....When Men do this.....Why do they do it, if they are going to come begging to come back???
Becuase for a man, sex and love are very different things.
Sex is healing, and having sex keeps us balenced. The physical act itself IS an emotional need for men, whereas sex for women is an act that address her various emotional needs.
Once the sex is done, and he has re-balenced, then the emotions become clearer, and it is only after the sex can he realise his feelings for you. So he comes back to you becuase of his feelings for you, which have nothing to do with his emotional need of sex.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): Thank you for your response, but i don't think you read my post properly.I DID NOT BREAK UP WITH HIM!!! I'm just trying to undestand why guys do those things,,and WHY COME BACK!! Yes your right her looks have NOTHING to do with it. I guess i'm bringing that up, because while he was telling me what happened his words were.."I can't believe i did what i did, she wasn't even pretty or hot, i was just drunk and missing you and hurt" I don't know, i guess i'm just looking for male feed back, ON THIS....When Men do this.....Why do they do it, if they are going to come begging to come back???
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (18 September 2007):
You told him you hated him and never wanted to see him again and broke up with him. Now you blame him for being with someone else? Get a reality check.
You were broken up. It was not cheating. He had EVERY right to be with someone that treated him better than you did, and he has EVERY right to sleep with who he wants after you split. This is very controling and unhealthy behavior on your part. Do you know what Emotional Blackmail is?
And what does what she looks like have anything to do with it? Is it at all possible that she just showed him a loving caring tenderous that you are incapable of, and THAT is why you are enraged? Are you simply jealous that she might be able to give him something that you can not?
He has nothing to apologise for, and you have no right to hold it against him.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): No....ur not getting the full picture...he wanted to end the relationship,, and he broke up with me 5 hours before we were susposed to go on a trip to another city, we had been fighting all that week, and he said some pretty nasty stuff, and thats when I said What i said.....he came back to me, wanting ME back..i didn't contact him at all. Trust me,, you should not feel sorry for this guy
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): Well, dear you did tell him "you hated him and he was to stay out of your life forever." That seemed pretty much like the final nail slamming the lid shut on this relationship, doesn't it? He likely thought 'it's over and it's done-I may has well wallow in booze and sex and try to move on". Why do guys do this? Who knows..maybe a few of the male Aunts can answer that question for you. But be careful on what you say in the future and if you say something like "I hate you' you had better mean it. I think you were 'playing with this guy's heart and head. And that was pretty immature of you. You tell him you hate him and he's to get out of your life, so he tries to move on (albeit in a stupid way) and then you scream "foul" when you find out he did just that--tried to move. Make up your mind, hun. Stop this lashing out and petty behavior and just move ahead from this dysfunctional way of conducting a relationship. This is something adolecsents would do. Sheesh!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): I realize we "were broke up" but the thing was, we ALWAYS told each other, that if we split, and either of us were with someone else, than IT WOULD BE OVER. I really shouldn't have taken him back. But yes we have been together for 3 yrs, and neither one of us had cheated. I feel pretty strong in saying that on his part. I just don't understand, HOW he could do it tho. I guess i should be thankful he told me..he didn't have to, and i never would have known. But i guess i'm just thinking now that Since he did it once, is it easy to cheat now. And if you really love someone, how can u hurt them like that. After we broke up, i certainly didn't get it on after 4 days with someone, The thoughts of even being with someone at that time, made me sick
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): Hun, you and this guy have a long, dating history, in your past. Did he ever cheat on you before and did you trust him, then? If yes, there is your answer. Listen, you guys had a angry, painful breakup and he made a selfish, poor choice to use sex and another woman's body as a healing balm for his own pain. While I think he was pretty immature and dumb to do this-neverthless, you and he were no longer together ,what you shared was over. He was free to do what he wanted. . So can you trust him...look far back on your past with him and judge it, based on that. And no need to call her an 'ugly pig' , dear...she didn't make him boink her! He was fully responsible for his own actions, here. But I do think you need to talk to him about the way he deals with painful issues and how you both 'behave' when conflict arises. In the future, ask him if the two of you can stay calm and communicate problems in a mature, adult manner. If you both feel you can't negotiate and compromise with relationship issues that crop up..then accept you both may not share the same values and make a decision to dump this 'toxic' relationship for a helathy one. Your choice. good luck.
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