A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, please let me know what you think about this... recently, I told my gf that I'm working (painting, getting furniture, etc) on the house I bought recently so she did not have to worry about anything when we get married, she would just move in. But... when I told her this, she said something similar to: "I like that you're taking the lead, but why don't you move to my house? it's bigger". By bigger, she means a little more space in the living room and dining room. I did not know what to say to her. After thinking about it for a while, I think I am a little offended that I'm working on setting up a new space for us to live in, in a nicer area of the city than where she lives, and she comes up with this. What do you think? am I making a drama? what would you do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (5 September 2011):
 You each have your own plan about what would be best for yourselves. She wants a bigger place, you want to fix up your place the way you like it.
You are inviting the other person into your life, but you are not choosing to build a new one together.
Becoming married is about merging your lives together and meeting both of your needs.
Both of you should be sitting down and talking about how you each see the future together.
A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (5 September 2011):
 She is not ready... You just broke up and got back together and now you are building a house that you say she will live in when she marries you.
You are going to lose it if you don't reel it in bro.
As they say in America, "Thems is facts".
I detect a control freak!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): You've been beating around the bush and making assumptions.Your follow up confirms that the house is in your name, not hers. She may have liked it for YOU but that doesn't mean she wants to live in it. You were single when you bought it. It would have been imprudent and impolite of her to try to influence your choice if you weren't even a couple yet. You may think that the way you broached the topic of marriage was clear but it wasn't. Asking her hypothetically if she would marry you is asking her to stick her neck out while you play it safe. You might as well have said 'I'm not asking you to marry me, but IF I did, what would your answer be?' She's supposed to go out on a limb and say 'yes' only to have you not propose? You weren't ready to ask her to marry you, but she was supposed to be ready to say yes?Living in her own home gives your girlfriend a sense of freedom and control she wouldn't have living in yours. It's in her name, she chose it, she decorated it, and she pays for it. No one gave it to her so she doesn't owe anyone any favours because of it and no one can kick her out of it when a relationship goes sour. Her house is a reflection of her. Her tastes and her lifestyle. YOUR house is just a place she gets to clean and help pay for. And it's a place she can be tossed out of if you two break up again. Instead of hinting and assuming, try straightforward communication. It makes life so much more simple.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): Is this home that you bought in your name alone or is she on the deed? How much creative input does she have in selecting styles and colours?Is she aware that the plan is for her to give up her home to move into yours which will be furnished and decorated according to your preferences? Does she know her only contribution to this home will be to clean it and help pay for it?I can understand being a bit disappointed and perhaps surprised if you've made assumptions instead of ironing out these details beforehand. Do I think you have grounds to be annoyed with her? No.Another reason she may be reluctant to move into your house is the security she'll be giving up. She owns the house she lives in and no one can kick her out. If things turn sour between you two she doesn't need to have 'I bought this house and made it nice for you!' lorded over head.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 September 2011):
 .. but a woman does not like to just up and move in a fully furnished house which she did not help decorating, as if it were an hotel room !
Did you involve her in any way ? Are you choosing the paint colours and the forniture items TOGETHER ? Are you swapping ideas, window shopping together ? Or do you just want to buy stuff and arrange it according exclusively to your taste - and she 's supposed to join you when you are done as if she were a guest not a wife ?...
Anyway : no point in getting offended , you just have different tastes and priorities. Sha favours space over location , for you it's the opposite. Talk about it together, draw a list of pros and cons, and see if you come to a joint decision about what is better for you as a couple.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
We have been together for three years, broke up and we got back together recently.
I bought the house before we got back, she saw it too and liked it.
But now when we are talking about getting married and living in this new house, she thinks it is "small".
To top it off, before we talked about the house, I asked her to imagine me giving her the ring and what would she say... her answer: "I don't know, I would freeze, not knowing what to do". I thank her for being honest, but I guess she's not all that willing to marry yet... I don't know what to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): It sounds like you have assumed she will just move into your house and vise vers. You both need to talk to each other about this. What do you mean by new girl friend, how long have you actually been a couple?? I ask this because you say new girl friend like you have not been seeing her that long and if that is the case then why are you worrying about where you both live just yet....isn't it too soon?? Or are you looking at moving in together now? I don't quite understand you, but if you both can't agree then maybe you need to sell your own houses and look for somewhere together in an area that you both agree on etc....more info needed though to be able to understand this post more!
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