A
male
age
41-50,
*id
writes:HELP!! I have had this girlfriend for about six months now and everything is great except for when she drinks. She will always acuse me of not trusting her and when i try to defend myself and tell her i do trust her she will ask me if I'm breaking up with her. I'm confused what does this mean? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chachacha  +, writes (3 March 2007):
It may be worth you instigating the conversation which tends to arise when she is drinking, at a time when she has not been drinking and can discuss it rationally.
You could ask her why she feels that you don't trust her - what aspect of your behaviour gives her that impression? How does it make her feel? and so on...... Focus on listening to her - don't try to "defend" yourself.
This will at least take this conversation out of a situation where it cannot be held properly.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2007): I have had 2 long-term relationships with women who drink (perhaps I am the problem).
I endorse the comments from the previous answers with the following alternatives;
1. She cannot take her drink and becomes aggressive in which case she should not drink excessively.
2. She has a hidden problem with you which comes out when she is drinking.You would be surprised how some of the things you have said or not said can build up worries m in somebody's mind. Sober commnication is needed here to get to the root of the problem.
3. She has a drink problem. In ths case you cannot solve this and she needs specialist help. It will not go away on its own.
Whichever it is you need to talk to her. However a word of warning! This may not work first time, you need to be gentle, constructive but firm.
Be prepared for anger and resentment. Very few people can take such criticism easily. It may take a few tries and a period of time for her to ake it on board before stability.
Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2007): You have a gf who lashes out, unnecessarily, at you when she drinks. Some people change dramatically when drinking. Being mean to those we love, is sadly the way of some of us humans. She sounds like a girl who may have some fears and alcohol gives her the false courage to say what she's been thinking. This is the way it is for a lot of people. Her accusations may not even have anything to do with you and your relationship. But she could be hanging onto some pain from her past and it's coming front and center, when alcohol is consumed. I also think, if she has these fears/insecurities, and says this stuff to you when drinking, she likely thinks about these fears when she's sober, but won't tell you.
Firstly, I suggest you and she stop drinking. She is plainly not in control of herself and she's hurting you, immensely. You will soon tire of this behavior and it could be the demise of your relationship. You two should sit down and have a mature. calm chat of what her behaviors are doing to you. The problem is, she may be forgetting what she is saying or could just be thinking "it's nothing, the alcohol made me do it'.I don't buy that excuse. People need to be responsible for what they say and do, when drinking. If they are unable to..they stop drinking entirely.
All in all, opening up the communication channels will help her. I think all she needs is reassurances from you. Set a boundary. Let her know you expect honest, clear thoughts and feelings, without the help of booze and you want to support and help her through these fears. And at all costs, avoid the drinking! However, if over time she keeps this up and you can't get through to her, you may have to look out for yourself and end this. Try talking firstand see where that goes. Good luck, dear and take care
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2007): When you say that she drinks how much do you mean exactly and how often? If she drinks like everyday she has a drink problem. If that's the case you need to chat to her about her drinking problem (when she is sober). If she doesn't like it then tough, she has to listen to your view point for this relationship to work. Drinking problems can rip relationships apart. Sometimes drinking can cause people to become violent and if that does happen you need to get out of this relationship. If she doesn't co-operate with you about her drinking habit you need to see a councillor. If she still refuses to change her drinking habits then you need to get out of this relationship.
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