A
male
age
36-40,
*homas1111
writes:Hello,After a big fight we had after 3 years(said some mean things that shocked her alot, hurt her alot, and it was too much for her). Basically, she done something that bothered me and she didnt know how fix it. Bottled up anger and vented her on, said that maybe we should break up and stuff. She broke down and cried alot. I apologized an hour later after saying that and she said she got hurt so bad, couldnt believe i would say a thing like that, and is CONFUSED. She doesnt knwo what she wants. She still wants me to talk to her. We met up on xmas and i gave her gifts that she really loved (thoughtful gifts). She still needs some space to re-adjust as she said (meaning not getting really close or touchy)she only hugged me and kissed on cheeks. She also said that She wants a 'new haircut that is tready, cool looking, and with maybe some colors.' She started to play with make up alot. The next day, i went over her house to help bake, she said about 2 things that hurt me (said ur not even wearing the sweater i bought you and I wanan go clubbing/rave with my guy friends [she didnt include me]) i dont know if shes doing this to piss me off. i took her out on a special evening to make up things and show her i really treasure the relationship, she would talk to me as a good friend not a boyfriend. We talked some more and i asked her randomly why all these changes all of a sudden... she said "during the day i broke down, my friend told me to not be dependent on someone or something for happiness, look/make your own happiness." She said she just needs more time to figure things out. I didnt know how to respond to that but just reassured her that i am here to support her, love her, be there for her, try my best to not burden her but rather be part of her happiness (hopefully good amount of it). Before the fight i would say she would find me as 50-60% of her happiness. She kissed me on the lips and it felt almost the same except the feeling that she had to stop it from progressing, so to say she didnt want to get too touchy with me.Her guy friends and her are on winter break so they have alot of time to spend with each other. So i dont know how to look at this, is she doing this because she is still angry at me for what i did? or is she afraid that if shes with me again i would let her down? or she is tired of being dependent on me for her sole happiness? help please, any advice would help :/
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (28 December 2009):
 Your girlfriend is definitely vacillating with you. The issue is that when people reach a boiling point, especially in a loving relationship, things that you thought were buried well right up to the surface and hit big time.
She was seeing things in you that she didn't know were there, and you reacted probably in the same way. It doesn't mean that the two of you don't love each other.
One of the ways you fix problems like this is to take into account how valuable you are in each others' lives. This doesn't mean she has to depend on you for her happiness. Everyone has to be able to be happy in their own right before they can be happy in a relationship.
Happiness in a relationship depends on emotional attachments and commitments that run very deep and are founded on trust. Right now she's probably trying to hang back, dial back her emotions a bit in order to discover whether or not she still has that trust inside of her for you.
The only way to fix this is if the two of you want your relationship to survive this blow up. You both have to take into account your age bracket. People in your age group are often less dependent upon each other partly because you feel "invincible" in certain respects or at least you want to feel that way. There's a tendency to aggressively pursue things and happiness that is more self-centered than other-centered.
However, all of that said, the way to do this is to heal each other, to look into each other's heart and know your own hearts. What is it that you said or did that hurt her deeply enough to generate doubts? What can you do to change your behavior to prove to her that she can trust you and love you. What has she done to you that has hurt you so badly that you felt you couldn't tell her and let it boil beneath the surface?
If you don't learn to deal with these problems now, later on in life whether the two of you are together or with other people; sooner or later the same thing will happen again. Why inflict pain or suffering on each other?
She wants to go out with her friends probably to observe them and compare notes on you. Maybe get advice. Who knows?
Whatever insecurities you have, you have to accept that if she isn't happy in your relationship, keeping her in it for your own reasons will hurt her which is not what you want.
The same can be said about you.
Remember also that relationships do take work. You can't take each other for granted and you have to pay attention to each other's needs whatever they may be.
I wish you luck but at the very least learn from it if you have to move on.
A
female
reader, Jodie_Kinsz  +, writes (27 December 2009):
 Your former partner needs time to heal and get over some of the things you said that overwhelmed and upset her.
She's depending on herself to make herself happy right now, and her guy friends are propbably helping her with her issues, as girl's really can't help you when it comes to talking about boy's feelings - so she is probably thinking along those lines.
And mentioning that she wants to go clubbing with her guy friends, and not including you is to make you jealous - and make you want and respect her more, and to sort of make you take some of the things you said that hurt her back.
Tell her that you still love her, and if she wants a break thats fine! But to please not cut you out of her love life completley. That seems the best advice I can give you on that.
I hope it helps. Jodie, x
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A
male
reader, Mimke +, writes (27 December 2009):
Well, your girlfriend sounds like my (now ex-gf) but at the beginning of her transformation. My ex gf was in a serious relationship for 4 years and they had a bad falling out and break up. He kicked her out of his house. So for the last year, my ex gf committed herself to depending only on herself for happiness and finding happiness in the smallest of things. Then, I started dating her trying to be a major part of her happiness and she couldn't handle it. She didn't want to depend on me for anything. She was unappreciative for the little things I did.
So to answer your question...she's not angry with you but she is on a course to only depend on herself for happiness. She will eventually realize that she doesn't need a guy for happiness but occasionally may "want" the temporary happiness you give her. I'm sorry but this is just my experience as of late.
When I lost the favorite person in my life I remembered the quote, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."
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