A
male
age
41-50,
*uster
writes:My girlfriend and i have not been getting along so well recently. She has recently accused me of domestic abuse which i have denied..... however i looked up the term and am now unsure as to whether my behaviour could be termed as such...... i have criticised her housework, regularly gone into moods with her because she arrives home later than planned, threatened to end our relationship a few times and insulted her family members.On rare occasions i have also put her down verbally and by ignoring her opinion..............however i have never hit her. Is this just normal relationship bickering or does she have a point? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): Agreed so wholeheartedly with the other Aunts, here. You have gotten some very insightful, great advice. Yes your gf is correct. She does have a good point. You both are experiencing a dysfunctional dynamic here and no good will come from it, if counseling isn't sought. A healthy, mature love is "not" supposed to be painful and hurtful, dear. There is some hurt involved in all relationships, but if it is a cycle of pain and you both are fighting a lot, then something is not working. I would term any diminishing, critical, admonishing words/actions/behaviors from one partner to another, as most definitely controlling and it is mental/domestic abuse. It's cruel and it totally unecessary. Loving relationships are based upon respect, appreciation, affection... not one upmanship, admonishments, manipulation and hurtfulness. Couples will have challenges, but the respect and compromise always wins out. But in your mind, you feel this is all normal? No,no no..it isn't. It's toxic and very unhealthy.
And your gf is likely concerned that this behavior of yours will escalate, in the future. In other words, she is feeling very, very unsafe in this relationship. And you are at big risk of loss here. She will tire of this, because everytime you admonish her, you are driving bigger holes in her heart. She will eventually end this.
So I have to ask, why can't you treat her with respect and honor the woman you are supposed to love, hun? This dynamic in your relationship is based on a strong lack of self-control, low self-esteem, immaturity problems and insecurities, on the part of the person who is delibrately doing the abuse. If it is you, you need individual counseling. And then if you want to save this relationship and it's future...you and this gf should seek counseling, together asap..as suggested by DrPsych. This will just worsen if you don't. You need to learn how to control that mean streak, how to respect her and most imporatntly, you need to learn about treating her as an equal partner..with emphasis on learning negotiation and compromising skills. Get the help today. Good luck and take care, dear.
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (10 July 2008):
 Your behaviour would be regarded as domestic violence by professionals because the definition includes verbal abuse as much as physical acts. By posting here, you recognise that you have a problem in your relationship and I suggest you talk to your GP about this. They can offer you both counselling as a couple or recommend sources of help.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): Rather depends on if your g/f replies in kind. If she criticises your housework or expects you to share housework but never takes her turn at servicing the car, unblocking the drain etc. then it sounds normal.
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A
female
reader, shandygirl  +, writes (10 July 2008):
 You are emotionally and mentally abusing her.
Stop!
There are ways of saying things without putting an attitude into it. If you have something to say... say it calmly and resist the urge to say anything to her that is hurtful.
If you plan on staying with her long-term, stop insulting her family. You don't want them to dislike you...do you?
Stop!
Show her some respect, by respecting her opinion. You are belittling her. Not good for a relationship.
Stop!
The recipe for a good relationship, in my opinion, is Respect, Consideration, Communication, Compromise, and a satisfying amount of Sex for both involved!
It is never too late to look at yourself from the outside, and CHANGE.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (10 July 2008):
 Hey, you have to learn to chill out and accept that no one is perfect in any relationship, and it doesn't do you or her any good at all to behave the way you say you are behaving when your partner does something that you aren't 100% happy about.
I wouldn't have called it "abuse", but it certainly isn't any way to behave if you want your relationship to last. What you describe is way past normal "bickering", and it's not something that anyone, male or female should have to tolerate.
She has a point. A very good point. If you carry on as you are then you'll probably lose her. You ought to lose her. So why not see what you can do about it - and try to be more relaxed about things. The important word is "partnership", and a relationship is just that: a partnership. You are equal partners, and if you can't respect each other, tolerate each others minor failings, and show real appreciation for each other, then you're both wasting your time together.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (10 July 2008):
 I always thought domestic abuse was when you actually hit someone. What you seem to have decribed is more verbal abuse. What you have to think about is why you are saying these things. My husband used to abuse me mentally by saying I kept a dirty house, knocked my confidence by making issues about me getting fat - I am a size 0 for god's sake, and make comments about my inability to socialise. It turned out he was bored with me. Are you bored with your partner or do you feel it is the fact that you are not getting enough attention. If you love her and you want her to spend more time with you then you must do your best to stop saying these things because the more digs you make the longer she is going to stay out and do nothing around the home. Keep quiet about her family too. If you are generally disgruntled with her because of her treatment of you then you need to sit her down and have a chat about this. I used to make endless digs about my husbands family and he absolutely hated me for it. Sadly the more it hurt him the more things I would say! Don't get into this spiral. Talk to her before it all gets too late and see how she feels about things and examine what it is you really want. From the comments you are making I don't think you feel she is taking your feelings into consideration and so making you feel isolated. The best thing to do here is communicate with her and see if you can agree on some common ground and examine what it is you both want going forward.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): Sorry Buster, but I would class this as domestic abuse and suggest you get some anger management or counselling to change your behaviour. Your girlfriend must be living in hell with you putting her down all the time and making her feel bad. You are damaging her mental health and self esteem. If you can't say anything good, I would suggest you say nothing at all. Criticism hurts even if it is well meant. Your sounding like a nasty bully, stop picking on her, stop threating to leave. One day she will wise up and leave your sorry ass.
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A
female
reader, cherrybutton +, writes (10 July 2008):
i think you need to adress whether you really love this person and ask yourself why you are doin these things. as only you know! and you can change it, as you're alredy questioning how bad your relationship is. i think it sounds like nasty bickering and she is finding something to throw back at you to make you feel guilty and stop saying these things. altho is she innocent in al this?
if you really want to make the relationship work then there are things you can do to sort this out.
For starters, if it is long term, dont feel embarrassed about seeking councelling.
more importantly, take time for just you two to spend together, do special things for one another and remind each other why you love each other! after al you are in love!
if things dont get any better and you cannot help but argue, then maybe start spending some more time apart to miss each other and appreciate each other! if you dont, i think you know the answer, however how hard ending a relationship can be!
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