A
female
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anonymous
writes:I wish there was a magic wand that could make me feel better. In just over one week, I lost my best mate because she died, then had to go for tests at the hospital (have to wait two weeks for the results) came back to work found my fella looking at a pervey website, which normally I wouldnt mind, but then went on myself because my fella had accidentally told me his password and found a picture of his penis on it. I cried about it and he removed it. To top it all, fella had to go and visit his son last night (with ex wife there) and this morning he has scratches all over his backside (he insisted that he has had a heat rash and has done this himself). I feel like I am going out of my mind. I wouldnt normally feel like this but he doesnt have sex with me hardly at all, so of course I feel Suspicious. He has shouted at me this morning and made me feel even worse, he says " I cant live like this because you dont trust me".I only want him to be honest and if he doesnt want me then to leave me. He always says that he doesnt want to leave me.It looks bad I know, and I dont want to feel like I do about him. He is really kind to me and very considerate, in fact the best B/F I ever had. I just feel so hurt all the time.I guess my question is "Is this me"
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your reply's and support. I guess I am going to have to get my act together. I just feel bashed up emotionally, and find it hard to focus on positive things. The funeral for my mate is next week, and although I am dreading saying goodbye for the last time, it will be a relief after. I know that.
As for my Fella, well! I will have to wait and see if there is something to worry about or if I am just paranoid.
But I can tell you all one thing, there is no way I would forgive him if he has strayed, thats for sure.
I think this has taught me a valuable lesson, in that I always thought thre was no harm in looking at porn. Maybe it can go to far though and thats when people get hurt.
Thank you all again for the great advice and being so sweet. XXX
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (10 July 2008):
 Right, there is no magic wand for this. But let's come up with a game plan to get you through the next few weeks, while you wait to hear about your test result.
First of all, your boyfriend is NOT helping you at this point. He should be supporting you as you mourn your friend and best mate's death. Period, end of story. He's obviously not going to step up and do what he SHOULD be doing. Also, as you're waiting for test results and no doubt worried about that, he again should be supporting you.
Instead, you find him posting pictures of his willy and then we have the suspicious scratches on his back. Idiot.
Okay, what you need to do is haul in all the support from other people that you can. This includes any family members, friends, counselor if you have one, your doctor and staff at the doctor's office (not that they'll be great at this, but it can't hurt to tell them you need support), and of course anybody here at Dear Cupid that you feel comfortable with asking for help.
Tell everyone of these people that you are going through a very bad time in your life, that you are in mourning and also worried about the hospital tests. For your close friends, I think you might be able to tell them of your concerns about his ex, though this might damage their relationship with your boyfriend if this turns out to be just a heat rash. Right. I doubt you'll want to share the willy picture one with anybody, but if you can, do it.
We can't wave a magic wand, but we CAN construct a pair of crutches for you as you've had your legs knocked out from under you. So lean on EVERYONE you can, and don't expect Mr. Idiot Boyfriend to be of much use here. This IS a kind of betrayal by him, and you have every right to be angry with him. But arguing with him now is not going to help you with what you really need, which is emotional support. Am I right?
Make sure that you are eating well, good food, try to watch the alcohol as that is a depressant. Get out and have a 20 or 30 minute walk everyday, preferably in the morning. Getting this little bit of exercise will help lift your mood through the day. I want you to load ONLY happy songs in your CD player or MP3 player or stereo. Your favorite, bright, uplifting tunes. NO SAD SONGS. Put on your most comfy and best looking clothes everyday and put on makeup if you like to wear it when you want to look good.
Obviously, if you work with your boyfriend, he is going to notice that you're backing off on using him as a support. Just ignore that, maybe he'll realize that you don't really need him, and this might catch his attention. But don't worry about that right now. Take care of yourself. You now put yourself as your number one priority, pamper yourself, spend time with people that make you feel good and happy and strengthen you. If he's not doing that right now, don't go out to dinner with him. If you're expected to prepare the meals, stop. Buy the M and S take out meals, or just go over to friends or out with them for dinner. You are on strike, you are regrouping, you are gathering all the strength you can from other people.
Whew. Sorry for going on so long, but I want to let you know that you CAN survive this, and the boyfriend thing will sort itself out as time progresses. Your number one priority should be finding help to grieve healthily (oxymoron or what?) and to support you as you wait for the test results.
PM me if you'd like for more support.
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A
male
reader, buster +, writes (10 July 2008):
Hi, i think this one is harder than it sounds. Ultimately it comes down to your level of trust in your bf. I think many men watch porn etc as a form of sexual release, getting aroused by thought of different people in different scenarios..... for most men this is just fantasy which they would never wish to act out in real life. If this is how he is getting his sexual kicks it would also explain his lack of interest in you because he is already getting this need fulfilled online. This in itself is no proof of real life cheating. It does however sound as though he may have been on some kind of contact site?.. if he is uploading pictures of himself? This brings the prospect of cheating nearer. However, as things stand you have no proof of that. I think you should talk to him about what you want from your relationship and what you mind/ dont mind about his behaviour as well as both your sexual needs. I would also raise the issue of trust, maybe he should be more open of his desires as should you?.......... Hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, cherrybutton +, writes (10 July 2008):
hi there sweety!im so sorry for all your troubles lately and i hope you can avoid anymore upset for a while, starting with that man of yours!come on now sugarplum! you dont trust him, and as it seems, with gud reason... and this situation dusnt involve sum stranger, it involves his ex, the mother of his child, so the issue and mistrust isnt goin to go away as long as he sees her from now on, and he's going to stil c her.... I think you have to ask yourself if your happy???!!!you sed he's the kindest boyfriend youv ever had, but your upset al the time.... i understand your going thru a hard time, but hu says you need a man to lean on! if you want to stay with him its up 2 you but i think you need to ask him outrite and tel him it luks bludy suspicious so sort it out! as 4 u, treat yourself, you must have been realy down lately and wat you need is to put ur gladrags on and b treated to a nite away from ur bloke and get sum attention from uva men! remind you of whats out ther! just remember to love yourself. with al thats been hapening lately he may hav felt useless and less close to you as often happens in relationships in times like these.either way, uv got thru a real tragedy, wats a man in relation to that hey babe!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): Anon, life hits us hard, sometimes, like the loss of your friend. We must deal with these things. They don't always make sense, but, we must deal, nevertheless. As to your BF, I doubt his commitment to you from the little you have said. And even if he wants the relationship to continue, I think you could do much better. You indicate that you work in the same place. Is this the case? It might be more difficult to make a break and continue to work at the same place. I can't advise you there, but you must think about it. You are a "commitment" oriented person, so you need to find a man of similar nature. They are out there, hon. But, you have have to be available and go "where they are". I think you know where BF's "scratches" came from. You will probably see them again. An "ex" is either and ex or they are not. You don't have to put up with this. No man would from a woman. Think carefully and best wishes. Tom
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