A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So my sex life with my GF has always been pretty vanilla, she doesn't really like kinky stuff and hates things like dildos or porn or anything that is in anyway a little wild. in the past I had often found that she seemed bored during sex and simply had sex with me to please me kind of thing. anyhow for some background info. She was raped when she was 15 and has a terrible family life. After this occurred she became quite promiscuous and developed horrible self esteem and an eating disorder. From what I heard of this time in her life she was very VERY wild and dated many men. She has worked through her issues in a lot of ways her self esteem is far better, she is working in a job she loves and has beaten her eating disorder.A few months back when she drank for the first time in a couple years she got quite drunk and basically asked me to roleplay a kind of rape scenario. Since then I have noticed the only time she REALLY gets into sex is when I am dominant in the bedroom where I literally have to take control of her. She goes nuts for this and the sex is amazing however due to her past experience with rape I feel somehow what I am doing, even though it is consensual, is wrong. I have read a ton of material on this matter and I know that often women who have been through this kind of experience end up doing this.Basically I am asking if anyone has been in a similar situation to me and how i should handle this. When i have tried asking her about it she gets angry and evasive and basically doesnt want to talk about what happened to her in relation to the present situations.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 February 2013):
 I understand BDSM fantasies. Some are for curiosity. Some do it for creating spice when things get old. Your girlfriend wants to regain the control she had lost as a 15 year old. By reliving the trauma she is attempting to make the abuse "okay." because deep down inside it is something impossible to accept. In reality this does nothing for healing purposes. She is reinflicting the pain and forcing herself to come to terms with trauma.
You tell her that this does not make you feel comfortable. You believe sex is part of intimacy, not a way to make to go back to a painful past. Because you know her well and care about her a lot, you do not think it is a fun thing to do. There is nothing fun about partaking the role of a rapist when in the past the perpetrator caused her genuine pain.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2013): Yeah I had two ex-girlfriends that had been abused and raped that had quirks during sex.
One of them needed it rough or it didn't do anything for her and the other I had to talk to her during sex and distract her mind so she could mentally stay with me and drift off to that event in her head.
Couple of things I've learned is this:
Rape isn't always a brutal, forced, violent act like you see in movies. From what I hear a lot of time the guy is very gentle as the woman is frozen with fear just wanting it to end, or he has convinced her he'll be done in a minute, he's started now so, or she just wakes up to find a guy screwing her, you get my point. You'd be surprized how often it can be very close to affectionate love making, except of course completely non-consensual. With my ex who it happened to that way she didn't want "sweet love making", she was numb to that now and she only felt anything when it was wild and rough.
I've also heard of some women experiencing their first orgasm through rape then needing that kind of sex again for the same effect.
It's tough old bastard to deal with, just feels wrong on so many levels, the idea of doing anything similar to what happened in bed is a deeply disturbing concept. but I got over it by realizing it was not my thing, what happened is her burden to bear and who am I to let it effect me that way and deny her good sex just because it felt wrong in a way that it really shouldn't have.
Basically OP the only thing you need to do that's different is always have her consent, that's it.
The style of the sex should be furthest from your mind because you weren't there, you don't know what he did, how he acted etc. so you can't possibly ensure you're not doing, saying the same things.
You're never going to have sex with her without her consent, all the other details are irrelevant, she's the one leading you down this sexual path, go with it, enjoy it and stop talking to her about it and worrying. Her rape is for her to deal with, don't add to that by constantly making it somehow relevant to your sex life. It's not, I did something similar until my ex straight out said I was being unfair to her, that I seemed not to be able to get over it, she'd worked years to get back to normality and there I was bringing it up a lot and letting it have a negative effect on how I was behaving towards our sex life. She told me she already felt abnormal and already worried a hell of a lot whether she would be able to be normal sexually, she didn't need me adding my own insecurities about it to that. You know? She'd finally gotten to a place where she was happy letting go and somehow I was the one having trouble with it. She was right, that really wasn't fair on her because had it wouldn't have even been an issue if rape wasn't a factor in my mind.
So I learned to let go. All she strived for was some normality in that sense so I gave her that and just went about having sex the way we were having it and the way she liked it and I put her past as far behind me as she had already done.
OP stop living in her past and let this go. I understand where you're coming from but you have to see why this is not fair on her. If this is how she enjoys sex, then just enjoy it with her, you said it's amazing, well it is for her too. If you over step any boundary of comfort she'll let you know and if you ask me it shows she's gotten to a level of comfort now where she can be herself sexually so shut up about it.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (24 February 2013):
It's not just women who have been raped. MANY women like to be dominated in the bedroom. It's kind of a primal thing and I wouldn't let it bother you. I've noticed that maybe 75% of the women I've been with (none of which have been abused as far as I know) loved me being aggressive and dominant. Not every single time, but more often than not.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (24 February 2013):
 If it feels wrong and you don't want to do it, you have a perfect right to say no to her.
If she asks you why, it should be enough to just say no and leave it at that.
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