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male
age
30-35,
*UT i love her
writes:I just found out that my brother had sex with my gf of 1 1/2 yrs, it happened before we were together but I'm really pissed at them for not telling me. I knew that they were friends (thats how I met her) but I think he should have told me before we started dating . They think I ma over reacting . Am I? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2017): are you still with her? if you wrote this you clearly loved her alot . i hope it worked out for you both.
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male
reader, Galaxy1  +, writes (17 October 2012):
It seems you are upset that they kept a secret from you, and for so long. That would be disturbing to anyone. Who told you? What was the reason for telling you now? Sounds like they werent interested in each other romantically, which would help in dealing, but get the details to make sure. The issue is the waiting for 1.5 years to tell you, and inevitably Lying. It was before you, but you need your girlfriend to take responsibility for keeping this from you. She needs to state why. Was she embarrassed, was she compelled to not disclose. She has to face it. Women seem to hate to be judged, so she probably did not want to look like a hoe. To move on and grow as a person you need to go through the process of forgiveness, but you can only do this with someone that is sincere in asking for forgiveness and values the process too. Put your position and expectations out there. If you are not respected then you have to move on. They will figure it out some day.
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female
reader, blondie1961  +, writes (25 June 2011):
 I guess that before you are asking this question here that you really don't want the relationship to finish. You are not over reacting. How did you find out about this after this length of time? That has to be a factor in your decision making process.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): Yes they Both should have told you.
You cannot trust either of them: this is a big deal, a very big deal and the fact that they lied to you....
Time to dump her and move on ... Don't settle for your brothers seconds.
LoveGirl
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011):
If it wasn't such a big deal then why did they conceal this fact from you? I would be very upset if I was you - mostly upset at your brother! I have a brother and if I saw he was interested in a girl I slept with I would tell him early on precisely to avoid the situation you are in now and then he could decide if it's a big deal to him or not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): These other replies can say "it wasn't your business" but that's easy to say when they aren't the one in your shoes. I doubt they could live by their own advice if it happened to them. They would be pretty upset about the longstanding secret being kept from them too.
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reader, Yos  +, writes (24 June 2011):
 I would be shocked if this happened to me, and also very upset I wasn't told. Whilst I believe that in general a 'don't ask don't tell' policy for exes is best, when it comes to being with a relative it does matter!
But, whatever happened, you now have a decision to make. Either accept it, and move on in the relationship without holding a grudge. Let it go, in other words.
Or decide it's really not ok and end the relationship.
What you mustn't do is stay with her but not let her off the hook for this. That's just setting you up for a long and painful decline in the quality of your relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): No, not necessarily -they were friends before, and did it when they were friends. They decided not to date and make anything of it, then you come and decide you like this friend of your brother's and so get involved, and they're still friends. No, why would htey tell you, it wasn't your business
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reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (24 June 2011):
There are different schools of thought here. One school of thought is that when a guy starts dating a girl, and his brother has slept with her a long time ago, he has a right to know, and should be told as soon as his brother finds out they are going out. Some people would say that this applies to anyone the girl has slept with that you have a close relationship with, like a brother or other family member, or good friend.
There is another school of thought, which is that when two people have sex, it isn't anyone else's business but the two people involved. The parents don't have a right to know, the friends don't have a right to know, it is personal and private, and none of anyone else's business.
A lot of this comes down to context, and we don't know the context.
I would say that both sides are entitled to their position. If this is something that has upset you, then that is how you feel, it is not a case of right or wrong, you feel the way you feel. At the same time, they aren't under any obligation to tell anyone, and they must have felt for whatever reason that choosing not to tell you was the choice they wanted to make under the circumstances. That is up to them to decide. You probably need to respect their decision. And they need to accept that you are upset about it, which I think is a normal response to this kind of thing. You are entitled to your opinion and they are entitled to yours.
At the end of the day though, whether they told you or not doesn't change anything really, it is something that happened in the past, and had nothing to do with you or your current relationship with your girlfriend or your brother. It would be useful to try and understand where they are coming from, and for them to try and understand where you are coming from, for you to best resolve this issue.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): She has been your GF for 1.5 years? Hell yes you deserved to know about it. This isn't just someone you've dated a couple times. I wouldn't trust either one of them now.
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male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (24 June 2011):
 This is a shock no doubt. If there is no longer a connection I would not be worried about it. Do expect a little bit of tension at a family gathering if your brother is there.
Have you discussed this with your brother?
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