A
male
age
41-50,
*issing us
writes:I have been dating a girl (28) for over a year now. We were both in serious relationships before meeting, and fell in love in just a few months. We would contantly talk about how great we were for each other, and how much happier we were together than in any of our past relationships. She is honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me, and she used to tell me that she felt the same way about me. We had talked about moving in with each other in a year, getting a dog together, and even a little bit about marraige (in a few years), when the time is right. Everything was great between us, almost too good, until 4 months ago, when her father had a sudden heart attack and passed away. Her family was so close, and everyone was/is devastated. She immediately quit her job and moved home, 2 hours from me, to be with her mother. Shortly after that, they both moved to the other side of the country to be with a few other memebers of their family. Whenever I would tell her that I wanted to come visit her, she would discourage the idea, and tell me "no", she just needed time to be with her family and figure out what she's going to do with her life. She has left all of her friends, including me, behind. They were only supposed to be gone for the holidays, to kind of forget about things for a little bit, but have decided to stay on the other side of the country for an indefinite period of time. Last week, she told me that we need to break up so that she can clear her head and figure out what she wants to do with her life. She told me that things are different now, and that she can't make any promises to anyone, and that her life has changed. I am so confused at what to do. We were so madly in love right before her father passed away. I just don't want to lose her, and I would be more than willing to make the long distance thing work, until she's ready to continue her life back here with me, and all of her friends. I really want to be able to plan a trip to see her, but she says that all she needs is space and time. I have no desire to date anyone else, but I have no idea how long this is going to last. If she won't let me visit her, it could be 3 to 6 months before she returns, and that's being optomistic. I just wish she'd be able to realize what we had before the incident happened 4 months ago. If something had happened between us (fighting, cheating, not being compatable, etc.) this would be a lot easier to take, and understand. I truly want to just sit back and wait, but I'm worried that she may continue to prevent us from seeing each other, and eventually have a change of heart. I have been with her several times, for brief periods of time, since her father passed, and things between us were great. Loving, fun, intimate... everything. Even since the "break up" she still calls at least once a day, and texts or emails at least once a day too. Any advice on how any of you think I should move forward would be more than apprecitated. Thank you.
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fell in love, long distance, move on, no desire, period, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Helper1022 +, writes (4 February 2009):
Just let it go for awhile i know my friend A(not reliveong the name) had a problem with her boyfriend becuse her grandfather is in a home now just give it time to heel
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2009): Write her. Make it long and from the heart, and on real paper with real pen.
Let her know you are there for her and want your plans together to become a reality.
Then wait.
If you love her like you say wait!
Patience is a virtue
possess it if you can
found seldom in a woman
and never in a man.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, missing us +, writes (4 February 2009):
missing us is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot Dazzerg. I appreciate your insight. Very helpful.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (4 February 2009):
 This is a tricky one because as you say there is no real way you can get closure. Obviously this very traumatic event has happened and shes now in limbo. One of the things about grief is that it can cast everything which has seemed permanent into doubt and makes us doubt it; a natural consequence of the loss of a person who up to this point was there for her entire life.
She's broken-up with you in essentially an act of kindness in my eyes; she doesn't want to keep you in limbo with her so has cut you loose. I take this view because it doesnt sound to me like you were exactly crowding her out beforehand so shouldnt have to push you away to get her own space.
My gut feeling is you shouldnt let this go just yet to be honest. I dont think it's what she really wants and I think there is quite a high hope she will come out of this wanting you and what you had back again. I would turn round and simply say you will always be there for her and will still be there and support her when she has made her descisions. Dont specifically say 'as friends' or 'as a partner', leave that question hanging for her to fathom then I would go about your business and offer her all the support you can in the interim.
Within yourself you have to be ready for the prospect that it is possible she will never come back anxd you wont be an item again so I would pay particularl attention to keeping your social life going to get away from your own thoughts for a bit. However, if shes still contacting you then there is high hope i think....good luck...
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