A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My gf and i have been dating for the past 1 1/2 years. I has been long distance relationship since we started going out. Every month i make a trip to see her and she does the same. After our 1 year anniversary we decided to have a conversation about our pasts...I told her that i was a virgin before i met her. And i was hoping to get the same answer but was sadly disappointed. Appartanely she had been with plenty of other guys before me. But she kept emphasising that this was in the past and she never thinks about them anymore cause she loves me and only me. I acted cool in front of her, but ever since that conversation it has been eating me up inside.It makes me both sad and angry. Sad because she was not what i expected to be, and angry becuase i love her so much (and likewise) and are planning to have a future together. After much thought, i came to the conclusion that the reasons why it bothers me is probably becuase we are so far away and only see each other once a month and therefore it allows my idle mind time to have negative thoughts about her. Also, i sometimes have negative thoughts as well in terms of me getting revenge by having sex with as many girls as she did guys in her past. However i know that is completly and utterly wrong but i just cant seem to get the thoughts of her being with someone else in the past out of my mind. Any advice would be much appreciated as i really do love her and dont want to lose her.
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anniversary, her past, long distance, revenge Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Twirly  +, writes (13 June 2008):
 Your girlfriend has done nothig wrong at all.
She has no need to apologise for sleeping with other people before meeting you and Im afraid that this an issue that's yours to deal with or move on!
If you do move on, please note that you won't be a virgin anymore and imagine how you would feel if your next girfriend felt this way about you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): I can attest to the fact that those feelings don't go away. Don't dump her to do her a favor; do it to save yourself from any more hurt. Trust me, you will feel a lot better unfettered and free. It might feel like you love her, but don't forget how powerful the feelings of attachment that come from your first sexual encounter are. I can also attest to the fact that you can and will find someone else you love and having more experience under your belt or just finding someone with a value system more in line with your own will make for a much happier relationship.
I have been exactly where you are...Please, do yourself a favor and get out there and see that you can feel this way about someone whose person doesn't tear you up.
She doesn't sound like a bad person, but does sound like someone who might be bad for you
Good luck man
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): When you have feelings of hurt and anger, and you want to "even up the numbers" a little, your feelings are not utterly wrong. Your feelings are normal and natural and understandable. Modern society just tells you that your feelings are wrong because it's politically correct.
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A
female
reader, SugarCookie  +, writes (7 June 2008):
I think the real reason it bothers you that you haven't admitted to yourself is that you are worried that you wont be able to compete. You are a virgin and you are worried that because she has experience and you dont that you wont be able to please her. No one is perfect at the begining and it will take practice but if you love eachother no matter how bad the first time is it will be special. My boyfriend and i were both virgins and the first time we tried he couldn't stay hard but it was still perfect because we loved eachother. If you really cant handle her past then the only thing that you can do is try to find someone else!
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (7 June 2008):
 There is NOTHING you can do to change the past. You have to admit to yourself that her past had NOTHING to do with you and you were of no concern to her. You did not exist then. You do now though and if you want to maintain your status of her boyfriend you'd better shape up.
You have to be honest with yourself. All those ugly images in your head most likely did happen. You need to understand the mechanics of it though. Yes, her body did react with another persons body. Certain actions took place and she DID enjoy it. You can try to convince yourself of anything but one thing is for sure. She did what she did because she enjoyed it. And remember, it had nothing to do with you. If you and her broke up today and she hooked up with a new guy, would that negate what you and her did? No it wouldn't. The next guy would have to understand that she now had a history with you too.
We all experience things in our lives. We can not make all our choices based on the future. Some things we just do because it's appropriate at the time.
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A
female
reader, taina1980 +, writes (7 June 2008):
wow ! as a female I can totally identify with this situation... I've been with my bf on & off for 4yrs... the reason it is on & off is because I am 5 yrs oldr than him & he has a huge problem with my past... when we first got together (before the love kicked in )we talk & joked as friends & so I told him about guys I slept with & told him details... I haven't even slept with that many....when the love kicked in he thru it all in my face & now calls me whore & slut... I cry @ nite because I luv him so much I wish I couldve of been a virgin when we started but no matter what I do I cant take it back what I've done... I sit home I regret these guys & the only time I think about them Is when he constantly being them up... when we are intimate he makes it seem as if I've cheated on him because he tells me I'm loose... when he gets angry with me he tells me I'm ugly & calls me all other types of names I wish not to mention... then when things cool down he says the only reason he says horrible things & gets jealous is because he's disgusted with the things I told him & that he sits up @ nite grossed out that he's with a woman like me... as you can gather I have a complex because of this individual...& no matter what I do I can't take back the past cuz that is what it is, the past...your gf tells you she loves you... she no longer thinks about these guys... she's telling you the truth... please cut the girl some slack... she loves you... nothing & no one should get in the way of love if that is what you truly feel... she doesn't deserve to be cheated on...she doesn't deserve to be thought of in this way...if you love her you will stop thinking this way...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): Let it be! Please let it be! This was before you meet. If you have enough trust to have survived all this time in a long distance relationship, do not allow thoughts of the past to haunt you. ( Be greatfull she was honest with you about it, it is not hidden in the closet).
I suggest that if this is troubling you, when you are togehter and even more specific if you are having sex, you should see a therapist for proper councelling. Do not allowe these thought to ruin what seems a otherwise lovely relationship.
Best wishes, and good luck!
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (7 June 2008):
 Join the club! This is one of the most debated questions on Dear Cupid.
It's very common for guys to be hurt by this kind of thing and become depressed by it. No one can tell you "Stop it!" because it just doesn't happen that way. No matter how irrational they are, they are still there. As you said, it eats you up inside.
My advice on this (for similar threads, do a search on "her past" or "her history") is generally the same: Recognise your feelings, they're very common and they're not wrong. Once you know that they're normal feelings to have, you'll feel less bewildered by them, which will then let you start dealing with them.
There are many ways of overcoming these feelings. Recognise that these things happened in the past and have nothing to do with the future. Accept her with all her faults and her virtues -- her past is what made her what she is now. Or go one better and EMBRACE her past. She brings her past experiences (adventures included) as a gift to you.
You should also realise that for women the EMOTIONAL bond with a partner is often much more important than the PHYSICAL aspect that men tend to obsess about. That's why you tend to get this unsatisfying advice from women -- they don't understand what it feels like! -- that "She loves you now, why worry about the past?" Unsatisfying though it may be, it's probably how women, including your girlfriend, regard the whole issue.
I hope you can conquer these feelings. They are really destructive if they get out of hand and cause all kinds of unnecessary unhappiness. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, atarisrocks +, writes (7 June 2008):
 dont let the past get to you she didnt know you and love you when she slept with these guys if she could see into the future and saw you she would have not done what she did as she would HAVE waited for you
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