A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I do love my girlfriend, but she is swallowing up my life. She constantly complains about everything i do, and cries for many hours on end, and expects me to talk with her until she feels happy again: normally many hours into the night. I have 6 weeks to write a university thesis and it hasn't even been started yet, mainly because of this relationship. I dont want to leave her, but I can't go on like this. I desperately want to tell her to put up or shut up. What do you think of this idea?
View related questions:
swallow, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2007): hi guys. Thanks again. It is true that in terms of our relationship this problem is mine as much as hers, But her problems run way beyond me, if that makes sense. I dont think I am misleading her by telling her I am going to change: I told her that I can change in the sense that I am making an effort to understand her and make her happy, but I can't change my personality. That would be impossible. I think you have to have a bottom line, really. My bottom line is that I have to get on with my thesis. Easier said than done!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2007): I am sorry that both you and your girlfriend is having trouble.I am also a senior at college, trying to finish thesis, and applying to graduate school. I completely understand that you are stressed and you can't take care of your girlfriend for 24/7. I think it would be best if you and your girlfriend talk about the situation. Simply, explain to her that you are stressed and you need personal space. Be very clear that you love her but you need to focus on your school right now and you need her support. If she has a problem, she needs to wait until you are free to discuss. When you are not working on your thesis, take her out on a date to a nice place. So, she knows that you are about her but you are busy.
...............................
A
female
reader, LauraE  +, writes (10 August 2007):
Hi,
No conflict - you can love someone without being joined at the hip. Loving someone doesn’t mean you are on indefinite 24 hour call no matter what is going on in your life. I agree that it sounds like she is suffering from depression rather than just being selfish. Get her to make an appointment with her GP, and offer to accompany her and wait for her and then take her home if that would help her. Next time she is calm and fairly happy, explain to her that you need this time to do your thesis. Maybe agree that 10am until 4pm (or whatever you need), is quiet time when she will leave you to work. Also that after midnight to 8am (or whatever), is sleep time. During these times, turn off your phone. If she can’t or won’t stick to this plan, then maybe you need to think about ending it because your education is vital to you. But please make sure that she sees her doctor if you do nothing else. Good luck with the thesis!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2007): Dont tell her to put up or shut up! The good news is she does love you (or she would walk away rather than cry) and you can totally make things work, the bad news- only if YOU make the effort to change. I think that you need to look at your behaviour towards her because I can totally relate to this. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and for the past year he has not been affectionnate/ intimate towards me- like no sex for a month, pushing me away when i kiss him etc. And I have got so upset about it that I get upset at little things that I wouldnt normally care about becuase its like they prove even more to me that he doesnt care (even though really deep down he does but it sparks the whole emotions surrounding the lack of intimacy and him not being romantic). I think your g/f loves you and wants to be with you but you arent giving her what she needs. Shes maybe complaining about the little things because she has become depressed at the bigger picture. Im not saying that this is what is definately happening but it is how i have felt towards by b/f for the past year. I have cried for hours at night and yet still he doesnt change. I dont want to leave him because I know that we have been happy in the past and we have been together for so long, and as friends we really do work and i dont want to lose that. So its like her pleding to you to change. Change what it is that shes asking you for when shes cries (if you want to stay with her)or this will carry on until she leaves you and cant bare it any longer. If whatever she is asking for is something you are unwilling to change tell her that you will not change, this is who you are and if she doesnt like it then it is best for her emtoional wellbeing for you guys to break up as much as you dont want that to happen. Warning though- dont lead her on saying that you will change just to make her happy and then not see it through- it will make things much much worse especially for her and thus therefore for you also. I feel that ultimately she is going to suffer with depression if things do not change so try and do something about it now. It cant carry on as it is. I hope this helps. Im not entirely sure what she is so upset about in the bigger sense but the little things shes maybe not so bothered about, or wouldnt be if she wasnt so unhappy at something major.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2007): Hi guys. Thanks for this. I thought it would be pretty brutal to just tell her to shut up, but im convinced its probably a good idea right now. She is depressed, and i think the fact she is dragging me in to her hole is just going to push me away from her. At the end of the day, theres only so much I can actually do for her, right?
But, what when she calls me up, desperately, at 3 in the morning! Is it okay to just tell her to sort herself out, I have to sleep, Ive got other things I need to do? How can I claim that I deeply love her, Ill always be there for her, etc, etc... but then say 'not now' at the same time? Is there not a pretty fundamental conflict there?
any ideas?
...............................
A
female
reader, dontknowwhattodo +, writes (10 August 2007):
i think she has got depression get her to go to the doctors
...............................
A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (10 August 2007):
 This girl is emotionally draining you, to a point where you are clutching at straws as to know what to do to please her. Ask yourself this, What has she ever done for to make you happy? Can't remember?. I think you need a complete break from emotional co-dependant person,who does not allow you room to breathe and throws childish tantrums if things don't go her way.
Concentrate on your studies and move on, find someone who makes you happy and puts an equal input in a relationship.
Good Luck and keep in touch.
...............................
A
male
reader, Karlos Omnis +, writes (10 August 2007):
 I have to agree with anon, only one chance to get your education right, but there's plenty of opportunities to meet girls.If she's like this now, imagine what she'll be like five years down the line. Can you really see yourself with her?It sounds like she needs to love herself before she can love anyone else, she needs constant reassurance from you as she doesn't have any self-esteem, and neglects your feelings as its not within her ability to consider them.Definitely tell her to pack it in, or show her the door
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2007): I personally don't think there is much you can do. She has got to realise on her own how selfish she is being towards you. She's not happy with herself. She might even be a little depressed. She's kind of taking your constant availability for granted a little bit. But it's got to come from her own initiative to realise it and change.
As for you, you have to to get started and finish that thesis, with or without her. That's the most important thing right now.
Do this. Set a date as soon as possible and tell her that from that day on you NEED private time to work on your thesis. I mean ideally you shouldn't have to explain this to someone who "loves" you. If she can't handle that I would avoid her and go ahead and choose school and my future over a selfish girlfriend. I mean she's being selfish too, so why not?
...............................
|
