A
male
age
41-50,
*PD540
writes:I'm writing because my girlfriend of about two years and I are having some issues. I would say there are lots of them, but I'm convinced the majority of our issues are consequential to a couple "core" issues.First things first. I'm 27, she is 20. We have one daughter (9 months), together. She is also about two months pregnant, currently. We had been together a little over a year and a half when she abruptly cheated, and left. The second child is a product of our 3-month "break". I know there were some post-partum issues after our daughter was born. I also know she was sexually abused at about 13 years of age by a stepfather.To summarize... I do my best to provide everything I can. Emotional support, money (though I don't make much), getting things accomplished (doing things for her to help - as she cares for our daughter all day, every day) etc. I make a conscious effort to tell her how much she means to me and how beautiful I truly believe she is. Flowers for no reason, breakfast in bed, letting her sleep in while I entertain our daughter...All that being said, it never seems good enough. No matter what I do, there's always a complaint or a comment (i.e: "you just want some"). I just don't matter. I am coming in dead last, behind our daughter (and appropriately so), herself, and her family and friends. I have to appear happy, regardless of stresses...otherwise I'm depressing. But she can snap at me constantly, and appear any way she wants to. It's not ok for me to be upset or withdrawn for any reason, and especially not because of the chief reason I get withdrawn - lack of intimacy.What I think, do, and want is ok...as long as it's congruent with what she wants. And if things don't happen exactly as she wants, life gets miserable. She throws her tantrums, while I'm not permitted to be upset about anything.She is always right, she always knows more. Seems like she is just determined to find a way for me to be wrong - in thought, word, and deed.Seems like she wants to be respected as an adult, while acting like a child. Like she wants the rights and privileges of adults, while shirking responsibility. Though, I'm hounded to get things accomplished. My money goes to bills, and hers goes to whatever she chooses. I have never met anybody so full of excuses for ANYTHING. She has even admitted her prowess in that arena.Intimacy is suffering, even physically. Approaching three weeks, actually. I am a physical person, who needs intimacy with that someone special. To boot, I'm human. We discussed it, and came up with "ways" to take care of certain things without objectifying her...but none of that is going on, either.It's like I'm here to get things done and do her bidding, and other than that, I might as well not be here. I live with the fact that she wants to (and does) make decisions, while not thinking for herself. I live with the knowledge that even our existence as a couple depends almost entirely upon what her mother and sister tell her they think she should do. Which, brings me to my closing point... She talks to, and relies on, her mother and sister about what's troubling her - including our relationship. However, she gets upset when I consult with family and friends in confidence because she doesn't want them to think less of her.My question... What is going on here? What do you perceive the key issues to possibly be?
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female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (7 January 2008):
 Your girlfriend is immature and controlling. It may have been something about the way she was raised. It's almost like she loathes men in general, especially you. I suggest couples counseling because you need to tell her how you feel, without interruption and she needs someone neutral that can show her how she's self-destructing this relationship with her behavior, and allowing her family to interfere. It will also teach you to have more of a voice in the partnership, and teach her how to respect you and stop being so bossy and mean. I wish you the best.
A
female
reader, howcomehoney  +, writes (6 January 2008):
 Your girlfriend sounds like a nightmare. Sorry, but she does. And to be honest... well, you don't sound as though you like her all that much. I'm sure you love her, but do you respect her?
She probably has little to no confidence in herself. That's why she hates for you to talk to other people about your problems - she can tell people her bad points, that's fine, that's just modesty; but if you do it, well, those bad points might actually exist.
She needs to get into therapy. Until she sorts out her issues, she will not be able to have a satisfying, loving relationship with anyone, you included.
As for yourself, the longer you stay in this situation, the worse it's going to get. You are going to feel rejected and alone, and you're going to start to feel bitter about all the work you're doing for someone who takes it so thoroughly for granted that the only way she'll notice it is if it stops. You're also going to start despising your girlfriend, if you don't already, and she will pick up on this and her confidence issues will become even worse, and the circle continues.
She is probably basically a masochist. The worse she treats you, the worse you feel; she sees this and is confirmed in her negative view of herself.
Well, that's my perception. I don't know how on the mark I am, but that's the way I'm seeing it. As for what you should do... well, that's another question, and if you didn't have a child the answer would be very clear.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): The age differebce seems to be a big factor here. She is lacking maturity and you seem very mature and ready to settle down. It seems as though children came into the picture to quickly within your relationship before you both had a real chance to get to know one another. The pressures of life and a probally lack of social growth on her part seem to have contributed to many of the issues that you are experiencing today, coupled with the fact that she has just given birth 9 months ago and is due to have another child so soon. There are alot of emotions running around and the pressures are most deffinately on. You both sound as though you are stuck in your ways. Her more than you. You sound as though you are trying your best with her doing everything exactly the way you should and she is lacking intamacy. It is understandable that you would as she say 'want some' and why not? There must be a reason why she doesnot want to be intamate and there could be a value reason for that. She is pregnant and the hormones could be playng a big part but it could be something else. There may be several reasons for this but your relationship will continue in a downward slope if you both do not get to the root cause of your trouibles. You need to both be able to communicate with one another and find out what is troubling her. Why did she cheat?, Has she dealt with issues relating to the abuse? How is she coping with being a young mum? How is you coping with the thought of having another child? (two children under two) What exactly does she want from you, herself and from life. You guys need to do something and quick, possibly couple counselling. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): I remember it well.
The moment I realised I was being mentally bullied. We were driving in the car and my partner complained I was quiet and never had nothing to say, and I realised if I did speak it would shot down in flames. Cornered like an animal.
The common complaint was I never told her my feelings. It was then the penny dropped! I was giving her the ammunition.
you say whats going on here? I asked the same, then researched bullying on the net and it all became clear.
Good Luck You need it.
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