A
female
age
41-50,
*udra23
writes:I am in an open relationship with a man I care about very much, I'll call him Calum. He's a professional musician and travels a lot with his bad so we have an understanding that when we are together we love each other but never ask questions about time spent apart. We've been seeing each other for almost a year and while it's not always easy for the most part it works and suits both our lifestyles.I have also known and had a serious crush on another musician for the last 3 years, I'll call him Duncan. I don't live in the same area as Duncan but we see each other periodically at festivals, gigs and the like. I've always felt a bit of a tension between us, and though he's not usually a very flirtatious man he could always make me blush by the way he looks at me and sometimes saying things that I think he shouldn't say to me .. cause he is happily married with children.So here it goes, I was at a new year party with Duncan (his band were playing), his family wasn't there and at the end of the night we ended up alone for the first time ever and ,we were both drunk and I couldn't resist temptation even though I knew it was totally wrong. We didn't have full sex but we shared some very nice time in bed together. And now I feel SO bad because firstly, Duncan knows Calum (they are professional contemporaries)and obviously because Duncan is married. I'm also disappointed because I thought so highly of Duncan before, and never thought he would do something like cheat on his wife and family and I don't understand WHY men do this. I feel even worse because as much as my conscience troubles me I can't bring myself to regret it entirely as it was so amazing to be with him after years of fantasizing about it. I know Duncan loves his wife and family so I'm struggling to understand why he would let something like this happen. I know it's just as much my fault and I even apologised to him for puting him in temptation but he just said 'it takes two to tango.. we just got carried away'. He claims he's never cheated on his wife before and I'd like to believe him but I now have my doubts.Do ALL men cheat under certain circumstances? Can you be intimate with one person and still truly love someone else? If you marry a man and bear him his children after X amount of years will he inevitably start looking else where for sexual gratification no matter how hard you try to please him? God my head is in a pickle.
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male
reader, Golfer  +, writes (15 February 2008):
A bizzare thought is this: I personally think many men cheat. I am married to a wonderful wife and have two wonderful kid. But I still cheat on my wife. Previously, they were commercial sex ie pay and go. In the last 3.5 years, it was with a special someone. I will tell my son this when he grows up. If you think you have the tendency to cheat, and cheat all the time, perhaps you shouldnt consider marriage. If you want to get married, be sure it is a woman that you are most sexually compatible with. You would notice that most men have mistresses or cheat on their wives largely because they are not getting the best sex at home. If I were to start all over again, I would marry the woman I have having an affair with because she and I are just perfect in bed. Too bad, we cant be together anymore. I will miss the sex more than I miss her. But I can say that if I had married her, I probably wont cheat on her.
A
male
reader, Sandman  +, writes (11 January 2008):
 I guess sexual faithfulness would only be as important as the couple makes it. There are couple who "swing" or engage in sexual activities with other couples and for them this is okay. For other couples this would absolutely be a deal breaker. So the bottom line to that is if you think open relationships are the way go - then by all means, so long as all parties have equal understanding of what open means. If you're with someone who doesn't approve of such a thing, then attempting an open relationship would be disastrous - obviously.
I'm not sure if i was one of the people you felt were judging you. That was never my intention. I (no one for that matter) am in no position to judge anyone on their behavior. I'm no saint. What I was trying to convey is that we need to be careful when involving ourselves with married persons or involving ourselves with others if we are married because not everyone regards marriage the same way. My soon-to-be-ex-wife didn't feel the same way about marriage when she did her deeds with her guy on the side. So long as I didn't find out it wasn't a problem. But the moment I discovered the infidelity it becomes a great issue. Duncan might not see the err of his ways right now because he doesn't think (in his eyes) that he's doing anything wrong. But if his wife where to find out, it would definitely be a great issue. That's all I was trying to say. I'm not judging you by any means.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, kudra23 +, writes (10 January 2008):
kudra23 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks to all the respondents, some more thoughtful than others... Although maybe I didn't make it clear in my original question, I didn't have sex with this man, and I certainly didn't 'seduce' him. I wont be pursuing him by any means either and just because I said I lost some of my previously sky high respect for him, doesn't mean I didn't lose respect for myself as well.. It's a disappointing situation all round and I'm not attributing a larger portion of blame to either myself or Duncan. It's something that happened and I'm trying to learn from it.I didn't post on this site to be judged, though I know that might be a bit naive of me considering many people reading this site may have been on the painful receiving end of a cheating spouse. My original and remaining question is one that concerns the relevance of sexual fidelity. I know that Duncan loves his wife, adores his children and wouldn't dream of leaving them - yet he is able to enjoy an extra marital time with another woman - without affecting his relationship. This is a question on the nature of relationships in general. Is sexual faithfulness as important as we think it is? After 14 years of experience in a variety of relationships I have come to the point where I consider open relationships are perhaps the only way to go.. and I definitely don't think either gender particularly benefit from such an arrangement.Thanks again to all the people who took the time to answer my query, it's been very helpful for me to hear a variety of different perspectives.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2008): "Sweet-thing"
I couldnt of said better, a woman that sleeps with a married man knowingly and then feels that the man is not as respectful as she thought WHAT! If you took part in the whole bed peek-a-boo game then you are just as bad as he is, that is why the guilt honey. Good Luck having the guilt on your conscience. Oh did you say he had children?... WOW..You will really feel it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): Of course all men don't cheat. Most respectable men wouldn't let the situation come that close to cheating either- ie. if there wass an attractive woman clearly coming on to them , they would quickly shut down her advances or leave. it's all about respect and self-control. I'm a woman and I have to say that in my experience women cheat more than men do anyway, at least all the women i have known have been cheaters and only a few men. Decent men won't be out drinking and flirting with women when they have a wife at home.
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A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (7 January 2008):
No, ALL men do not cheat under certain circumstances. That is a very unfair "guilt by association" assumption to make; that since we are men and have sexual needs that we WILL cheat on our wives when given the opportunity and that just isn't true. There are men out there who hold marriage in the highest regard and would never think of cheating on their wives if given ANY opportunity.
If that statement is to be made about men, then the same must be true for women. That ALL women will cheat on their husbands if given the right circumstances - is that true?
This is not to say that men (or women) will not have a moment of weakness when presented with a few obstacle busters - i.e. alcohol. Alcohol is blamed for many one night stands and unwanted sexual encounters but at what point do people take responsibility for their actions? I have been under the influence many nights and have been in the company of very beautiful women - but never gave thought to cheating on my wife. And were times when a woman might have attempted to "seduce" me into alcohol-induced sexual activities but I rejected all advances because I loved my wife. I removed myself from any situation that might cause me to fail in my quest to always be faithful to my wife. Other men, I'm sure, have done the same.
So no. It's not safe to assume that all men will cheat. It is safe to assume that while we are all different, SOME men will take the opportunity to make love to another woman without his wife's knowledge. Duncan might be one of those men. Or was it the alcohol? Or was it you?
I agree with Sweet-thing, cut ties with Duncan and remind him of his vows to his wife. That might assist you in your guilt you've been feeling.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (6 January 2008):
 To answer your question "Do all men cheat under certain circumstances?"...Yes. They will ALL cheat if given the right circumstances (meaning, an attractive women who is interested in them) the right situation (their significant other is not present and the chance of being caught are slim to none) and the right ingredients (alcohol and a secluded place). If you are in an "open" relationship, then you shouldn't worry so much about cheating on Calum. If he spends as much time away from you as you indicated, I can promise you he's probably not always alone. Now you may be disappointed with Duncan's lack of integrity, given the fact that he is married, with a family but this is probably something you should've thought about BEFORE you seduced him. Afterall, what if you were the wife, with the kids and he was cheating on you with some lovely gal that made him an offer? But alas, some young women simply get caught up in the chase without considering the consequences. Perhaps it would be wise to cut your ties with Duncan and allow him to remember that he loves his wife without further distraction from you. That should redeem your guilt tremendously. Good luck.
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