A
male
age
36-40,
*AporisX
writes:hey guys n girls, longer story....help me....im sorry if im not typing correctly to be honest im so depressed and sad. ok 3 yrs ago me and my gf got into a very big fight and she smacked me in my face then later she hit me with a bottle. I left her for a few months and was seeing someone else, she found out and was really upset cause she knew the girl. she say i cheated but i grab my things and left. I told her i needed to be alone cause I grew up in domestic abuse home and i hated it, she knows this and still did it. i left the other girl alone. i stopped talking and all.....me and my ex had many fights. Last summer she told me she was at a guys house and they kissed....she didnt say in person over facebook. then she later said she lied cause she know it would make me jealous, then in november she said she wanted to F another dude that she wanted a threesome, i said no. recently i lost mu grandmother and my cousin while this happened i was already depressed knowing she didnt want me but another and now this???? I was alone trying to cope with this on a Friday she wanted me to take her to work same friday i found out my granny was really bad and me and my father had to get to the hospital to prep the funeral and death papers. she was soo mad that i didnt take her she hide my games and toss my clothes around she said i was lying and was seeing another women. later that night i had a drink with my fam trying to find comfort cause all she did was nag and shown no care for my lost....non.Day my granny died i sttod over at my fathers house cause he was not taking it well, she assumed i was cheating and destroyed a 2 thousand dollar computer and wrecked my business, she sent picks and said" look at what YOU did" she played games with me now????basically she put me out of business she trashed my machine and my equipment then told me it was over and leave. then she started hanging with her ex same time.(coincidence?) she called me and said"hey lets work this out" so i went back cause we also have a 2 yr old girl. Everytime me and her got into arguement she said "oh u want the next chick then leave!" or " you never wanted this family why u here?" or "just go, cause ur cheating on me now i know it" every time she complains about the other girl cause she hears alot about her and the fact the other girl and her graduated from HS but other girl had honers ex didnt. other in collage ex droped ou, other has alot of friends family my ex father married 3 times and has 9 kids he dont see or call. ex says i dont care....so why did i go back and taker her out and stuff, tried to spend time but she always complaining. I got tired, so tired...1. granny cuz died u dont care 2.she breaks my stuff after death 3. this was all in a week of my bday. 4. she continued to hang with ex after i said stop. 5. she hit me again.i left, am I wrong cause i left her long ago due to abuse and saw someone else. i dropped the other women for my ex and now i wonder maybe i wasted my time? I tried guys, but my ex continues to think im doing something the other girl told her we not doing sh*t and we rarly talk. so whats my ex problem is she crazy? did what happen years ago do some mental damage? she says "i dont care" so why im i fighting for if she blames everybody for our problems rather face that WE both f ed up??? HELP ME!!!!
View related questions:
cousin, depressed, facebook, grandmother, her ex, jealous, my ex, threesome Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (27 May 2011):
Your feelings and distress are very typical for victims of domestic violence. You are completely normal, as far as any normal person would be when put into this situation. As a result of the abuse, your self esteem is so eroded, you doubt your own sanity and judgment, your sense of reality is shaky...this is typical of abusive relationships, there is nothing wrong with you, and is a further sign that you must leave this relationship.
So what if you were in a psych hospital in the past for depression treatment? that doesn't change the fact that you still need help now. If anything, maybe it was your abusive relationship that contributed to your previous breakdown, all the more reason you need to leave and use whatever resources are available to help you do that.
She will not change, abusers rarely do and her history has shown she doesn't even feel that she has any problem to begin with (because she blames it all on you, as most abusers do). Thus, there's little to no chance of her changing any time soon. If she does, it will only be a temporary ploy to get you to stay or come back to her so she can keep using you.
Another thing your girlfriend is doing that's typical of abusive partners is telling you that you are worthless and no one else will ever love or want you so she is "it" as far as relationships are concerned. Again, this is very typical of things abusers say and do to their victims, so don't believe it, it's not true. And remember, she doesn't love you, she just "needs" you around in her life when it's convenient for her, to fulfill her own needs. If she loved you, she would treat you with love not destroying you. She is selfish and cares only for herself. When you leave her, she'll easily replace you with another victim.
You love your daughter, so you need to fight for her. Don't let your girlfriend use your daughter to hold you hostage to this relationship.
A
male
reader, XAporisX +, writes (26 May 2011):
XAporisX is verified as being by the original poster of the question Everyone...thank you...thank you. I thought maybe it was me...that I did this to myself. I cant help to feel I could have stopped this in some way. Im scared to seek help cause I was in a psych hospital few yrs back cause I was depressed. Me and the ex talked she thinks nobody will agree with me and that other women will leave me cause "Im selfish and care bout no one" She refuse to seek help she says that its me im the problem that if i want my daughter i be with her. I am depressed....I am broken. Never in my life i felt so....used, like a broken down used car with no engine no way to get my esteem going...idk how long it will take. i love my little girl daddy misses you baby....
...............................
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (26 May 2011):
 1st of all sorry for your loss, my condolences, I too lost my mom 2002 and its very difficult..
The best thing for you is to end this toxic relationship! She's destroying you mentally, physically, emotionally.
You said you have a 2 year old daughther together? That means she will never change. She's not a good example for your daughther.
The way she's behaving towards you is not love. My 1st boyfriend didn't let me go out, see my friends, dress certain way, etc. At that time I thought he loved me so much and that he cared for me. NO!! He was just being selfish. Why? Because, he's insecure, have his own issues!! Its not love!!!
I am not sure if she's crazy, but definetly anger issues!! She's out of control!! Threesome? Omg! Hey, people have different taste, but she knows you for years, she should know you well enough by now if this is something you would agree?
Besides the anger issues, being selfish, she's a little immature? 3some, make up stories kiss guy facebook? Too much drama, she does it on purpose to get attention from you and to make you angry...
Really? You are still very young, thank God that after growing up in a violent home, you're against violence, I say that because, usually when you grow up seeing that, you end up like that...meaning, the violence also become part of your life.. I am glad you are a good, passive guy.
Please, try to be civil for your daughther sake!! She's a new life and its not her fault. She deserve a happy, normal life!!
As for you, stay away...you've been through enough already, its time for you... You need time to heal and be in peace otherwise you'll get crazy.. Be around your friends, happy, positive people... By the way, seeing the other girl? You didn't do anything wrong at all!! I bet the other girl was pleasant and nice to you!!!
Please, do what's best for you and your daughther!!!
Wish you luck! And hope you feel better! Its up to you!! You control your life and destiny!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 May 2011):
 Long post short answer : Move on ! let her be ! Kick her ass out of your life for good !
All you have written about her past, the other girl, blah blah is irrelevant. What is relevant is :
- she smacked you in your face
- she hit you with a bottle
- she destroyed your computer.
If after all that you still go sniffing around her, you are not just a victim of abuse, you are an ACCOMPLICE of abuse !
If she's got issues, she can go tell it to her therapist.
You need to man up, and say enough is enough.
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (26 May 2011):
You're right that you are in an abusive relationship. She is physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. There is no doubt about it. And like most victims of abuse, you are worn down, your sense of reality is distorted, and your self esteem so eroded that you continue to stay with her and go back to her despite the abuse.
You need to break the cycle once and for all. Read back what you have written, this woman is violent and toxic. She's worn down your self esteem so much that you continue to stay with her and go back to her, even leaving what was probably a more normal and healthier relationship, to go back to this abuser. she's messed up, and she has messed you up.
It's unfortunate that you came from a home with domestic violence, that could be why you're susceptible to being in an abusive relationship now. But it's not too late for you to break free. the good sign is that you realize that you are in an abusive relationship. Many people who are, never realize it or admit it.
This has to stop. You need to leave her once and for all, and not fall for her "hooks" like guilt tripping you about leaving the family because you have a child with her. You are not the one breaking up the family if you leave. She is the one who destroyed the family already by her abusive behavior toward you.
Having a child with someone is not a reason to stay in an abusive relationship, in fact if you do you will be imprinting on your child the idea that this kind of behavior between adult partners is normal. Your child will grow up to be in the same kind of abusive relationship. You yourself grew up in a home with domestic violence, and now you are in an abusive relationship because that's what was imprinted on you. You need to break this cycle for your own sake and to not pass it onto your child by allowing her mother to have a victim to abuse.
When you leave her, she'll probably once again say "let's work this out." This time, don't believe it. Abusers often will change only for as long as it takes to get you to come back. Then they invariable go back to their previous abusive ways. You've already seen that happen with her, so don't fall for it again.
get the support of your family and friends, tell them that you are leaving this relationship, make it "official" so they will support you in it during the times when you're second guessing yourself and tempted to go back. Get a lawyer to figure out child support and visitation issues. Maybe you can get custody of your child if you can prove that your girlfriend is a violent person.
But don't go it alone, leaving an abusive relationship is harder than leaving a normal relationship, so you need the support of people who care about you. You need to gather together your resources and educate yourself on what you're going through and what needs to be done.
Here's a site that has a lot of information for men in abusive relationships.
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/index.htm
If needed, call your local domestic violence hotline and they can help you make a plan to leave this relationship. It can also help to see a counselor or therapist for help in developing the strength to leave this relationship. good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (26 May 2011):
 wow. so this girl is nuttier than squirrel turds, man. you need to get the hell away from her. nobody has any right to damage your property for any reason. you should have had her crazy ass thrown in jail for that. afterall, you were mourning the death of a family member at the time, and instead of being there for you, she trashed your belongings because she's delusional and believes you're cheating.what you did after she hit you; dating another woman, there was nothing wrong with that. don't let her make you feel guilty for what you did. you rightfully ended the relationship with her because you didn't like how she behaved. and you moved on and met someone else. someone who you probably should have stayed with instead in hindsight. now she's claiming you cheated on her and using that as a justification for acting like a wild, crazy, screaming banshee. let me tell you this. coming from someone who is still with their partner after LEGITIMATELY discovering they cheated, i would NEVER behave like that in a million years. there is no justification or rationalization for her illogical, insane behavior. she needs serious counseling. LEAVE THIS WOMAN. and do your child a favor and take your daughter with you. no good will ever come from your relationship as long as she behaves like this.
...............................
|
