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male
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anonymous
writes: I am a 20 year old male and in a relationship with my high school sweetheart after taking a year and a half off when we went to college.The problem we are having right now is that she says she loves me and cares about me, but isn't happy anymore and does not feel attracted to me physically or emotionally. I'm trying to be there for her and work things out, but she doesn't seem to want to work things out because they might not work and she will still feel the same. On the other hand she doesn't want to break up because she knows how much it will hurt me and she doesn't know if she'll find the love we have once again.What can i do to convince her to work things out? All i can do is listen to what she says and express how i feel. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, rokks +, writes (27 July 2006):
i can't really write from experience here but i may be able to give you a little perspective.
i've recently posted on here about my relationship problems with my gf. we started seeing each other in the 2nd half of our last year at uni. in 3 3/4 years our sex life went from great to once a month if lucky. i'm stuck feeling it's me, she says it's not and now after a long time in this routine, i'm starting to feel less 'in love' and she's become more a friend.
since we left uni, she's got a great job with the govenrment and had lots of promotion and i took over the family flooring business. both very different. her priorities have changed, she's a manager at work. i'm trying out for the royal marines in february next year. we're both becomming very different. the only thing we have in common any more is our friends.
what i hope you can see from this is that we've both changed a lot since university and i'm starting to come to terms with the fact that maybe we're not to be anymore.
you have to take a step back and look at the bigger picture, i'm having to do this myself. talking with your gf is paramount, know what's going on inside her head, is it the same as it was when you we're first together?
don't just stick together for the sake of it, i think i am and i'm trying to sort this with my gf. it hurts lots and i feel so bad but if it's the end then don't worry. i sincerely hope that things turn out right for you, be honest to each other. i'll let you know how things go in my situation if you like, get in touch
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (6 July 2006):
 Unfortunately, there's no way to make a person feel attracted to you. It's painful, but there's no way around that. If she says it's over, then I'm sorry. It's over.
Relationships that start in high school have a way of sputtering out, because those first years at uni and in the adult world cause you to pursue different interests from each other. You also meet hundreds of new people, and head in novel directions with your lives. You grow up.
Having all that, and keeping what you had when you were 17 is monumentally hard. For your girlfriend it's like trying to wear the same skirt she loved in Year 11; however strong her feelings about it, she's grown out of it.
Try to accept that she feels a kind of love for you and doesn't want you to be hurt, but at the same instant, she knows that what you had as kids is faded. She deserves more. YOU deserve more. The sensible response is to make the break and realise that it wasn't that there was anything wrong with either of you; it's just that the relationship had reached its end.
It often feels like you'll never find another person to love, but in fact, it rarely works out that way. You love her, but she doesn't love you in the same way any more. Cut her loose, deal with the pain, and use what you've learned to find a new girl who *does* love you.
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