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male
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*eamer
writes: I am 41 and my girlfriend is 30. My girlfriend has admitted to me that she slept with another woman (her close friend) I have been in a good strong relationship with her for 5 years and everything was fantastic. At first I thought she just wanted to tick a box as she has always fantasized about it but I believe she has strong feelings for this girl. Now she has postponed our wedding plans and says she's confused about her sexuality. I ve told her that I do regard it as cheating but I'm willing to totally forgive her as I have always believed she's the only girl for me and before this happened our relationship was so good. She feels really guilty and keeps beating herself up about it, i ve told her that what has happened is a mistake and we must look to the future. Now she is questioning her sexuality and asking herself whether it would be fair to carry on our relationship, I seem to be suspended in a void and don't know what I can do to sort this mess out. I understand she may have been experimenting and I know she loves me dearly. I'm not 100% sure I could cope with her seeing her friend as well as me but I would rather deal with that heartache than loose her. I know she has got a lot of thinking to do and she must be emotionally distressed with all these different confusing thoughts about who she is, what she is and what she wants, I have given her time away from me over the weekend to think things through. I miss her terribly already but I know she needs time on her own. Any advice would be much appreciated
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reader, Beamer +, writes (9 September 2006):
Beamer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your comments missaqua777, i would disagree with you on the notion that you think she may be immature she came into this relationship with her eyes wide open, she's taken on a single parent of two teenage boys and I know she just wants to be 100% sure before we get married. She's had a relationship with someone who's very close to her and she's come to a time in her life where there are some uncertainties in the back of her mind that she needs to think through. This affair with her friend might just make us both realise the weak parts of our relationship and that we can work on. I truly truly believe she didn't mean to hurt me,and the very fact that she has told me indicates that. We have always been honest with each other that's the basis of our relationship, my ex wife doesn't come anywhere near in comparison of what a good decent person she is. Yes I do feel cheated but I am willing to support her while she works things through. I don't think she is calling the shots or bidding her time till she turns round and breaks my heart. She hates herself for what she has done and has done nothing than but beat herself up about it. I realise i will have to wait for her to come to terms with what she really wants and who she is, this will cause me some heartache but my instincts are telling me to work it through, it would probably be easier to just draw a line under everything and call it a day but surely somethings are worth fighting for. If she does turn out to be fully bisexual then that's something I'm going to have to deal with at that time in the future. I will put my happiness first and at the moment that's putting all my efforts into making things right. If I don't succeed then at least I have tried and I can live with that. If I don't try then my loss would be my own doing. I do appreciate your response and perhaps its difficult for you to see the big picture with the limited amount of information I have given you.
Thank you for your thoughts
Beamer x
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reader, Robin +, writes (9 September 2006):
Life ain't simple is it?
Sounds to me like this is both of yours first real committed relationship?
I don't know your personal backgrounds or your upbringing which makes things more difficult for me but, I have to presume that one or both of you didn't have private education i.e. boarding school?
In which case you would probably not had the opportunity at a younger age to explore your sexuality with the same sex.
We all, both male and female go through a period in our younger lives when we have a "crush" on usually older people, maybe same sex maybe not.
If we have not had the chance to get this out of our system when young it does tend to resurface in later life, I think that your lady is at present experiencing this, there is absolutely nothing that you can do to stop this happening.
Before she commits herself to a lifelong partnership with you, she feels that she needs to find out whether she is more attracted to the same sex than to the opposite sex.
What she is doing is NOT a mistake, not if you want to sustain a permanent relationship, and not in my opinion is it "cheating" she has been open and frank with you and is not doing this behind your back.
All I suggest you do is support her in all ways, she will respect you for this and your friendship will survive. This is not the end of the world for you, believe me.
Give her her head, let her discover herself. Whatever the outcome move on from there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2006): If she's confused about her sexualality at thirty, don't you think she's a bit immature for you? It's totally normal for girls, and young women to get crushes on their best friends, and although we don't all admit it, loads of girls have fantasies about experimenting with the same sex, it's natural curiosity, which isn't a bad thing. However, isn's thirty a bit old to be considering changing her sexualality?She should've sorted it all out ages ago.She sound's immature and indecisive. You say you're planning to marry her, for one her idea to postpone the wedding i think is a hint that you shouldn't pin all your hopes on this relationship, as i don't think she's planning it to go much further. I'm so sorry to sound harsh, but it really does sound to me like she's purposely calling all the shots and biding her time, and one of these days she's just gonna suddenly turn round and break your heart.
If she does turn out to be biosexual, then obviously there's nothing you can do about it, but if she really loved you as much as you love her, she wouldn't put you through the heartache. What i mean is, the right thing she should do if she realises shes biosexual is end the relationship, and if she doesn't it can't be a fair relationship.But she's leaving you in one of these states where you're confused and anxious and there's nothing you can do until she decides to make a decision. You might think she's the one and the best thing, but if she doesnt feel the same way you are gonna get your heart broken. You're already in ocean deep, don't let her get you in even deeper, follow your instincts and if you feel like she's making you live in heartache, then do whatever you have to do even though it may be the hardest thing. Basically she's not the biggest loss if she think's it's ok to keep you hanging while she goes off with other women. Whatever she does, remember you deserve the best chance of happiness, like everyone else and lasting relationships should be equal. I'm sure it'll turn out to be fine, as long as you put your happiness first xxx good luck xxxxx
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