A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my exs relationship ended almost 3 years ago and I've been with my now gf for 2 years. My ex gf messaged me on Facebook last Saturday night (we had not spoken for like 8 months prior to this, we don't speak hardly at all to be honest). We chatted and then she gave me her new number and we texted for a little while talking about school and our family, etc. My gf was not okay with her giving me her number.I feel ashamed to say this but when I got together with my now gf, I still had feelings and missed my ex, and my gf knows this. This is why I think she's upset. But to be clear, I never did anything inappropriate or wrong with my ex, never cheated, I wasn't even hardly speaking with my ex at the time I got with my gf. My gf knows I would never hurt her. We've had talks about this situation. Occasionally, when my ex and I would talk my gf would get upset, it's always been like this. I think she gets paranoid or intimidated for whatever reason and I don't know what to do about it. I would consider me and my ex friends, her and I enjoy talking to each other and have fun conversations, but that's it. She no longer lives in my area, all we do is talk online sometimes. Does it sound like my gf is scared to lose me? Does she not trust me? I don't know what I should be doing
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2015): I think most people, when they get involved in a new relationship, they are still dwelling over a past one. At least at first. And then you get to know this new person, fall in love with them, and the ex suddenly seems unimportant.
In your case, however, the ex still holds a special place in your heart.
The problem with that is that you are not giving yourself fully to your current girlfriend. You may think you are but if you are still communicating with your ex, and putting time into catching up with her, that's time you are taking away from your present girlfriend. That is space in your heart that you are excluding her from and offering to another woman.
If you want a relationship to work out, you have to give yourself fully to that person and set boundaries for these types of communications with other women.
I have ex boyfriends who I've stayed in contact with. As soon as they are in a relationship, they become less available and more short with me. I respect that. They are now in love with somebody and don't want to ruin a good thing on account of shooting the shit with me, an ex girlfriend from a long time ago, who lives thousands of miles away, and in the grand scheme of things, I don't have nor can I offer them the love and significance that their current flame gives them.
You are in a relationship now with a girl who loves you. Her word and her feelings should be the only thing that matters. You really shouldn't be talking to this ex girlfriend. I get that she said hi on Facebook and there's no harm in saying hi back. But you took it a little too far. I think you should've kept things short. "Hi how are you? I'm doing great! Glad you are well too. Just been working, spending time with my girlfriend. How about you? Oh awesome! Well it was good talking to you." And end it right then and there. But you kept going and going and took this farther than it should've gone. Exchanging numbers and texting back and forth, that's a bit much. And it's disrespectful to your current flame.
Obviously you are trying to keep your relationship with her alive. You were probably curious about her and wanted to know more in depth what is going on in her life, how she feels, etc. So you saved her number, started texting her. And now your girlfriend is justifiedly upset.
It's not that complicated. If you want things to work out with your girlfriend you can't be making yourself so open and available to ex girlfriends.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 March 2015):
 I can't say what your gf is feeling or if she does or does not trust you.
I can tell you that if this was my house, I would NOT have made any attempts to have ongoing contact with an EX without first discussing it with my partner. IF he was OK with it I would set up a meeting for him and my ex if my current partner wanted it.
FWIW, when I was asked to make a choice between friends (just friends not ex partners) and my current spouse, I opted to go for the spouse. the friends had made the request but it was unreasonable.
What do to to fix this: ask your gf for permission to contact the ex one more time (IN FRONT OF GF) and then call her and say "I'm sorry I made a mistake and I think it's best if we remain OUT OF CONTACT" then delete and block her number and unfriend her on facebook and move forward.
bTW if this idea does not appeal to you then you must consider that your GF is not the one for you since you are not willing to give up the ex.
Now if you asked your gf how she felt about it and she said "sure go ahead" and then got pissy that's a different kettle of fish but you did this all on your own without discussing it with your partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2015): Well,I know that everyone says you can't etc. but in my personal opinion you can be FRIENDS with exes. Yup, just friends,nothing else.
BUT in your case-I don't think so.
You haven't kept in touch with her after the break-up,you were still hurting etc. and you admit you still had feelings fr her.
That's a totally different game.
IF you were to TRY and remain friends AFTER the break-up, build bridges over animosity, hurt feelings etc.-ok,it can work.
But you didn't put in the hard work and now you want the rewards. I don't know why (as in the real question is: what do you GET out of this "friendship"?)
Exes can be friends, but in your case-either attempt to start from scratch (i.e build the friendship when there is no gf of yours on the horizon) or just shelve it (it's been a while now,no?)
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (25 March 2015):
 I guess by now you should know that it really ISN'T OK or possible to keep in contact with an ex if your current girlfriend does not approve of it. Rule of thumb regarding exes is to always put your current girlfriend's feelings first.
However, if you shall choose to challenge the system, I can give you some suggestions.
#1. Absolutely NO in person meetings with the ex. NO. NONE. ZERO.
#2. Tell your ex that you're in a committed relationship. Introduce them.
#3. Incorporate your girlfriend into your chats, texts, phone convos. "Today my girl and I went here for dinner, it's great, you should go try too." "Oh really? My girl and I enjoy doing that too". Etc... Etc... Etc...
#4. When on the phone with ex, tell your girl to say Hi. Hand her the phone to chit chat a bit if she'd like. Do this occassionally.. not just once. (my boyfriend used to do this with his ex, so she feels she knows and chatted with all his female friends and they know of her)
#5. When texting with ex, hand the phone to your girl and ask her to reply to a few texts on your behalf.
#6. Limit text and calls with ex when your girl is there. If your ex contacts you, send a friendly reply, then let her know that you're with your girl now and you'll get back to her later.
#7. Always be 110% honest and remember to communicate with your girl.
A lot of times men tend to think 'I haven't done anything I shouldn't with the ex, never gave your girlfriend a reason to not trust you', why can't you be friends with your ex. What you don't realize is because of the history you had with the ex, the contact and communication style will be a bit different than that with a platonic friend. Your girlfriend sees and feels it. If there is a way for you to show your girlfriend (through actions, not words), that all you are and care to be is only friends with your ex, then you might have a chance at it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 March 2015):
 Your GF isn't scared to lose you. Your GF is pissed that you established contact with your ex including a red-carpet promise to continue contact by giving her your number without so much as a single thought to how she would feel about it.
YOU should be afraid to lose HER, because what you did should have her kicking you to the curb, to be honest.
You are being disloyal. You do not become friends with exes or past sexual partners. You just don't, unless the circumstances are unusual and your current partner is in FULL agreement with it. Your girlfriend isn't, and you admitted not having gotten over that ex.
What if she were to get back into contact with an ex boyfriend or a hot guy in her life she had sex with at one point or had strong feelings for in the past? I'm guessing you wouldn't be anything close to confused as to how you would feel if she had feelings for a guy she just gave her phone number to while she was with you.
What were you thinking? You don't do what you did. What's next, you and your (non)friend going out on a "date" while trying to make the excuse that it isn't one? Would you see this ex behind your current GF's back??
You really are mistreating your girlfriend by being disloyal to her. I hope you stop taking her for granted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2015): 1) How would you feel if your GF' ex contacted her to give her his new number, how would you feel? how would it feel if you knew she still had feelings for him when you first met her?
2)you should be considerate to your girlfriend especially if what makes her uncomfortable or upset is within your reach to fix. who's more important the feelings of your current GF or your ex?
3)if your ex was respectful enough she wouldn't initiate contact, knowing you have a girlfriend. That's what respectful people do.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (24 March 2015):
Actions speak louder than words, but words are your life. Give it a thought, how would you feel if your now gf did the same thing you are doing? Knowing she was with another guy and she tells you "but I havn't done anything with him". Would you even trust her ex who gave her his number? We want every one to be happy but you are going to learn the hard way that you can't have your cake and eat it too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2015): You are being selfish and unreasonable by not understanding where your girlfriend is coming from. Here's what to do when an EX messages you - DELETE. People who don't want to be contacted BLOCK and CHANGE NUMBERS. So frustrating
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2015): The problem is not your girlfriend. She doesn't have irrational insecurities nor is she being clingy, controlling, or jealous. Your girlfriend is a wonderful woman for being patient enough for this nonsense.
I would have called it quits the first time you contacted her knowing it causes problems between us.
The problem is your lack of boundaries. The problem is you value your ex being in your life more than the supposed woman of your dreams. Yes, you do have to choose in most cases. If it's not obvious to you that keeping your missus is a priority then you shouldn't be with her. She deserves someone who actually cares about the relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2015): You can obviously be happy without a texts from the ex since you manage just fine without that little contact most of the time. Are a couple texts really worth making THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE, FUTURE WIFE / MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN upset?(I realise it's rather presumptive to think this is what everyone strives for but I'm speaking in general terms and most people do want this)If you think those texts are more important then let your girlfriend know that since she is only a place holder, her feelings or opinions will not be taken into consideration when you conduct your personal business.If you don't think they are worth it, then wish your ex all the best and cut contact. It literally is that simple.If you really struggle to see what you should do in this situation then maybe you are not ready to be in a long-term relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 March 2015):
 I agree with WiseOwlE
I think in this day and age where people think the more Facebook "friend" and contacts they have on their cell phone the greater things are.
IS there any REAL good reason to be friend with this ex?
IF you still had feelings for her when you FIRST got together your your now GF, no wonder she feels upset about it. Because it doesn't LOOK like just two old friends catching up. It can as easily look like YOU never got over the ex and now you are hedging your bets between the two of them.. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe... So many girls, so little time..
Being friends with an EX can work, IF you BOTH (the ex and you) feel the same platonic way and TREAT each other as friends, which would mean .... INTRODUCING HER to the GF, just like you would any other ex.
In your case though, there is already some build up resentment over this girl (and you caused that) so trying to make it a "friendship" might not work at all for your GF.
You will have to decide what is more important in THIS case, your GF feelings OR being friend with a woman you once dated.
It's really not that hard.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2015): We get so many of these posts regarding maintaining friendships with exes.
My rule is, if the ex was your friend when I met you. No problem. If they come out of the blue? No way! I will pull up stakes and go; and will not compete, nor stand in the way. I know when people still have feelings for each-other. I've been around the block, and I've gotten plenty of experience under my belt. I minimize drama by using common-sense. I'm not always right, but I can't afford to be wrong.
I immediately introduce my dates or prospects to all my friends. I remove any threat, and evaluate how they interact with my friends. So far, it has gone consistently well. Even with the present person I'm seeing. I know all his friends. He wants nothing to do with his exes. Nor do I.
"I feel ashamed to say this but when I got together with my now gf, I still had feelings and missed my ex, and my gf knows this."
All the more reason for her to feel threatened; because it is hard to invest your feelings in someone who still feels the need to maintain active friendships with exes; when it is uncertain if you're totally over them. The more resistant you are to your girlfriend's concerns about it, the more she will feel insecure. Don't get me wrong, she has no right to deny you friends. When it involves an ex, she has some say. Just consider how new friends/old-flames affect the people you love now, and who love you.
Here's a thought. Your girlfriend can dump you, if she doesn't want to deal with it.
If that doesn't matter... fine!
It's not always whether she can trust you, it's whether she can trust the motives behind your ex suddenly coming out of the past, and needing to restart this friendship.
There is no one-answer fits-all response to this topic.
It depends a lot on how strong the trust is in your relationship, how important your girlfriend's feelings are to you, over those of your ex-girlfriend's; and if you're not trying to have your cake and eat it too. Which is more often the case. It's just too convenient for YOU!
I think, you should kindly decline continued communication with your ex. Your girlfriend knows her, she also knows of your continued feelings after you broke-up. Someday some guy she was intimate with, is going to come-out of her past. How will you behave when the shoe's on the other foot? Men have a double-standard when women befriend their exes. They claim it's okay verbally, not mentally.
As far as cheating? Never say never. Too much time spent rekindling old relationships to recycle into "friendships;" sometimes draws your attention away from the one you have. Exes often secretly manipulate behind the scenes, and their undercover motive is to destabilize what you have; because their lives aren't going as well. Their problems become your problems. They expect you to support them like you did when you were together, ignoring what conflict that may arise in your current relationship. I've witnessed it dozens of times. People discuss their problems with current relationships with exes. Then the trouble begins.
Your girlfriend isn't stupid, and she knows you still carry a flame for your ex. You're adding unnecessary complications and you're not completely being honest here. You miss your ex-girlfriend too much for your girlfriend to trust you. Boyfriends play dumb in the middle, while the women fight it out. Don't be surprised if you find your ass on the curb, with your broken-heart in your hands. You might think your ex will be there to rescue you. What if she's not? You'll also be jealous, when the ex dates and has sex with other men. Think about that!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2015): Is it more important to you that you don't upset your current girlfriend or that have your ex girlfriend as a friend.
You choose.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (24 March 2015):
 Your girlfriend's behaviour is entirely understandable. She feels threatened by your ex, and you are not helping the situation.
If you want to stay with your girlfriend, you need to break off contact with your ex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2015): Did your ex GF send you a friend request? Did you accept it? Or was she already your friend on FB? You do not have to be friends with someone necessarily to send them a message on FB.Your GF is right to be upset. She is scared to lose you. It does not necessarily mean she does not trust you. But she does not want you to put yourself in a position where her trust in you can be betrayed. Being in contact with an ex GF is putting yourself in a bad position. There is no need on earth to remain friends or accept the phone number of a woman who is in your past, over and done with. Your current GF is smart enough to know that this other woman - your EX GF - is angling toward worming her way back into your life. And you are too naïve to see it. Why else would she give you her number? What purpose does that serve except to cause trouble in your current relationship?So, what do you do? If the ex is already a friend, unfriend her NOW. If she is not a friend, BLOCK HER NOW. Cut off all contact and there is no reason to give her an explanation. She is in the past. Leave her there. There is a good reason your relationship ended.If you LOVE your GF you will listen to my advice. If you don't want to risk LOSING your GF, you will understand exactly what I have told you.Out of respect to your GF, cut out this ex. Your ex is up to no good. Do it now. If you don't want to and remain friends, I can assure you your GF will probably leave you. She will not accept that just as much as you would NOT LIKE your GF being in touch with her EX BF. Put yourself in HER place, will you?
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